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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2015 07:13

We had no gift list, no poems, no requests for cash.
But ppl did ask. Almost everyone gave a gift, mainly money (ranging from £20 to £2k - all gratefully received with a thank you letter of course)
Ppl were surprised and some iritated that we didnt offer a gift list on request. I couldnt bear to do one tbh.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 19/01/2015 07:22

Is there a reason you don't want to pay for your own wedding Maggie? If you can't afford it then scale back or save longer.

I hate the poems but if I had an invite saying come but you need to pay for the wedding well words would fail me. A wedding is supposed to be about exchanging vows not let's see how much cash we can get out of our guests.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 19/01/2015 07:29

I stick with lists if there is one, so if they ask for money that's what they get. I might do a token gift alongside the money.

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 19/01/2015 07:30

I wonder if years ago, people looked at wedding lists and thought that anything on there that wasn't completely essential was being vulgar.

'Oh look they want an electric carving knife, how grabby. Can't afford an electric knife? Don't have one. After all its not an essential part of setting up a home together is it?'

Hmm

I have given 'honeymoon' contributions to a few friends now, and my only thought about it has been that I hoped that it might be able to get them something nice to enjoy on their honeymoon, like a nice massage or dinner. I completely and utterly fail to see what is wrong with this?

In Ireland the going rate is about €250 and lucky me, I'm going to one this year...........

Original poster
chicaguapa · 19/01/2015 07:41

I don't know what the background is between OP and her sister, but OP sounds like really, really hard work.

ODFOD. Seeing as we're making wild assumptions, you sound really, really stupid. Hmm

Thanks for everyone else's comments. I know it's a split opinion and that lots of people welcome the opportunity to simply stick a cheque in an envelope and cover their obligations. I can't see how my preferring to give a gift is quite so controversial if I'm going to speak to them first and see if there's something else they want. Particularly if I might not be going to the wedding.

But such is the wonder of MN. Grin

OP posts:
UngratefulMoo · 19/01/2015 07:41

Koala - I actually completely disagree. I have had so many people tell me how much they like and need gift lists as they want to get the couple something they actually need or want - whether that's a gift or cash. Mumsnet is the only place I've ever heard wedding guests being so sodding uptight about it.

For what it's worth, we asked for contributions towards a honeymoon (did one of those lists where people could buy us an experience) and plenty of people ignored us and bought a physical gift and some people got us nothing - all equally fine.

Asking for money did not make us grabby - the lovely, kind, wonderful friends and family that we invited wanted to give us something and appreciated the guidance. That's all it was, guidance. Not an admission fee, for god's sake. I wonder why some people on MN go to weddings when they clearly don't like the people getting married (not you, OP).

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 07:44

There really is no should when it comes to weddings, just your opinion and since the B&G will eventually offend/annoy someone they best go by what they believe is right. Some of their guests may disagree, some may be pleased.

I hate the poems, they instantly annoy me- I don't know why. I wouldn't do myself. I just eyeroll and think 'cash', same with a gift list before I'm not a fan as most of the stuff is so expensive but again eye roll. My DH loves perusing a gift list, mainly because he's bloody nosy and my Dsis thinks those crappy poems are so cute.

There is no one thing people can do to make no one annoyed or offended at some point in the wedding- someone always will be. It's the same with most social gatherings. Unless you have just extremely close ten people, you can say to yourself 'well no one was annoyed at mine' chances are you are wrong and you upset great aunt Ethel by not seating her close enough to the top table or Uncle Hubert because he didn't get enough free wine and had to go to the bar. Even with ten you can get someone upset, likely someone who wasn't invited and felt snubbed.

Saying wait to be asked as shown by this thread can annoy guests too. My Dsis has many comments behind her back, mainly from the IL's about how she made them go out of their way and stressed them out of gifts. Completely dramatic of them, they could have defaulted to cash but they're all drama queens and flappers and who doesn't know at least one of them? Or perhaps are them?

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 07:47

OP it's not controversial, unless you are planing a passive aggressive gift lol. Ask your sister and see what she says, she may still want cash, she may even want food shop vouchers like my cousin did just don't shoot yourself in the foot and get a specific thing. Get an idea. You don't want to be told 'oh a dyson would be lovely' and feel obligated, though in that situation I'd just ask what shop from and get vouchers toward :)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2015 08:14

op your last post was rude.

I would recommend you stop being uptight about it.
give money (unless you can't bear for your sister to actually have something nice that she wants Confused )
if you are not close enough to be able to think of a suitable alternative to that which has been requested then it's foolish to go "off piste"
and yes, selfish, in response to your question.

KoalaDownUnder · 19/01/2015 08:26

The point is, why can't the people getting married at least wait to be asked? Simultaneously inviting somebody to be your guest and giving 'guidance' about what to bring you? Rude.

You don't hint/guide/tell people what you give you as a gift, unless they ask first. It applies as much to weddings as to anything else.

And no, it's not 'only on Mumsnet' that people care. The posters in MN are actually people in real life, you know. Many of your guests will still love you and wish you well, but secretly think you have acted rudely.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 19/01/2015 08:29

I agree that you can't please everyone, I'd rather have a list or cash request up front than no guidance at all.

Jengnr · 19/01/2015 08:31

Because whilst the gift giver might only ask once the recipient will probably get asked 150 times. Sending something out with the invitations saves mithering.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 08:32

KoalaDownUnder That's your opinion, not a fact. People have said on this very thread that that in itself has caused offence.

There is no right way to do it, there's just the B&G way of doing it and whether you think it great, don't care or rude.

No matter how many times people stress that it's rude to do something or that it's rude not to do something...it's still just your opinion, it's not a fact and in different cultures/communities/friendship groups rudeness is different and in the eye of the beholder.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 08:36

And while X amount of people at a wedding may think it's rude, X won't. The last wedding I went to didn't even ask for cash or gifts, their account details were just on the back of the invite. I found that so rude, not even with a request. DH and the close friends of mine at the party they thought it great because it was organised and meant they didn't have to use their chequebooks and be waiting around for money to come out.

Different stokes for different folks. You're always going to piss someone off, might as well be something petty like a request or lack of one on the invites then something at the actual wedding.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 19/01/2015 08:46

It's certainly not just on MN, a work colleague recently did the twee poem asking for money and it went down like a lead balloon. Even worse for some as they were only evening guests so already second tier without adding insult to injury.

UngratefulMoo · 19/01/2015 08:53

Koala, I have heard from plenty of people in real life who have felt massively awkward if there wasn't a gift list. They feel awkward about asking, they don't want to bother the bride and groom, they forget and then feel guilty. These days, in my experience (and I've been to loads of weddings) gift lists save the guests hassle and most of them appreciate it. I've never felt obligated to buy a gift or felt offended that close friends and family have said, 'all we really want is to see you but if you do want to get us a gift then x would be lovely'. And neither has anyone I know!

BringMeTea · 19/01/2015 08:54

Oh I love these threads! Almost as much as shoes on or off as a guest. Personally I think any mention of 'cash/vouchers' in a wedding invitation is poor manners. Culturally, the UK is more gift list based. Fine. But the whole 'your presence is our present BUT...' is awful. I agree with pp who have said it smacks of 'don't give us tat (be that shop bought or home made) we want cash!!' That may not be their intention but that is how it comes across.

To the OP. As it is your sister maybe speak to her about preferring to buy a gift. I am sure she will be fine with that. If she flat-out says no, gimme cash then she really is a rude grasper. (Trying to avoid 'grabby). Grin

clearingaspaceforthecat · 19/01/2015 08:57

The thing is OP, you decided to ask if you were being unreasonable.

People have very few facts on which to give their opinions (which you actively sought) and you seem reluctant to take on board what anyone is saying that doesn't fit with your original viewpoint.

Given the few facts you have given (you and your sister aren't close; you probably wont attend the wedding anyway) and how you are coming across on here it seems that you are not having a real dilemma about this and seeking opinions, but are just being a bit grumpy, inflexible and lacking any joy about your sister's big day because her way of doing things is different from yours.

Whatever you do, I really hope you can either enjoy celebrating with your sister on her wedding day or wish her well from afar if you are not going.

This could be a great opportunity to become closer as sisters if you wanted to.

UngratefulMoo · 19/01/2015 08:59

And sorry OP, to answer your question, IMO lists are there for guidance - if you'd prefer to get something else, you go for it.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:01

Culturally, the UK is more gift list based

Not in my experience, especially if you are including Ireland in that which is more cash presents imo. I think I've had two gift lists in the dozen or so weddings I've been invited too. 1 in Ireland, 1 in Wales and the rest in England. Thankfully only two poems.

I saw the gift list as very old fashioned when I received it i was surprised.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:05

Why would anyone include Ireland in the UK?

BringMeTea · 19/01/2015 09:06

Hi Fishin No I wouldn't dream of including Ireland as the UK as I have several Irish friends who would skin me! I have learned that cash is more usual there though. I have mostly known gift list and only one cash request (which as it came with the 'your presence is our present' and the wedding is on the other side of the world, irked me).

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:09

Really, not even northern Ireland? It is part of it Hmm

BringMeTea In other side of the word wedding, I'd take them at their word and maybe give bubbly or send something instead of going.

I'm not surprised it irked you, bank details on an invite irked me. Different stokes.

BringMeTea · 19/01/2015 09:12

Well, yes N. Ireland but I thought you meant Ireland. And I am attending the other side of the world and I am bringing a card. Smile

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:15

Lol it's okay I meant more to expat who seemed confused about why it would even be thought of. My friend's in the north are always happy to be part of the UK but my southern mates they'd kill me too!

Well that's what the invite asked for Grin Have fun at the wedding.