To ask them to leave the screens at home?

[goindowntoyasgursfarm]

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

What absolute nonsense pinkreindeer. I home educate one of my autistic children and we are constantly busy or out and about on trips to do with current topic. When at home he has free rein on his devices and does self regulate. Most children would IMHO, if allowed to,

or ' regulated' = helicopter parenting

works both ways

If I let my son, he'll play on computer games all day (age 7). It's like sweets. My son also loves them and if available would stuff himself every day. Should I let him self regulate??

Many children do manage to, if allowed. I know quite a few. It's something to try it might work for your child it might not.

re screens being a source of playing together, I agree that my 3 can be heard giggling away and talking to each other while playing on Disney Infinity or similar so no more anti-social than playing a board game.

But individuals glued to their individual screens not interacting with others is definitely a bad thing. Having said that, it's not every day.

My son (4) has one friend who he loves who is obsessed with computer games. When he went to his house for the day, they played computer games all day, except when they watched the Lego Movie. I wouldn't let mine have that much screen time usually but it won't kill him for once. Same child brought his DS with him when he came to play. I tried to get them playing other things together, which they did a bit, but kept reverting back to the screen. BUT, they were looking at it together and giggling, and basically had a good time so I basically think it's fine.

mine would self regulate.
Maybe yours are just greedy?

HTH

mine are really sporty ( play 3 plus sports each) and ALSO into computer games.
They do one when they are bored of the other.

Lol, well yours are different to mine then. Point is if you see your children aren't self-regulating you need to help them learn to, not ignore it as that would be irresponsible. My son is also very sporty, but given the choice he prefers computer games. Hopefully this will balance out as he gets older.

Ps lol at your greedy comment, not going to rise to the bait though, sorry

mmm such an interesting post that is very dear to my heart right now. OP I completely sympathise with you and share your views completely.

I have a 10 year old who despite being an extremely bright boy with lots of outside interests seems to constantly crave a screen like some kind of addiction. Self regulating doesn't work with all kids I can assure you!We have to limit the time to 20 or 30 mins a go and only after he has done homework etc. We would never take a screen to a house for lunch. Over my dead body.

His friends are all similar. Luckily the adult friends that I do see - I try to view it as only a short time and usually if its minecraft then they actually do interact OR they do something else first and then end up on a screen OR we agree up front - no screens and we get them involved in another fun activity.

I think if friends are close enough then you should be able to discuss it (maybe one to one prior to meeting) but maybe these friends of yours are not that close?

Its clear that your friends and you have different views on how you see technology. Personally- I am at a point where I could ban it all together and never set eyes on a video game again in my house. There is so much else to do in life. Despite the fact that I am mastered degree educated in Computer Science, work for a technology company and configure systems all day - it just appalls me to see children growing up with such an addiction to these things. If these friends children were self regulating then how come they can't turn off the screen when walking in the front door? I also hate seeing adults addicted to phones. Truly awful!

I think I am very scared that children who spend so much time and place so much value on screen time are missing out on so many other important things in life - a lack of social manners and social skills as a starter for ten.

Given my own personal views - I think if I really liked the people for other reasons than their parenting views then I would see them in the evening without kids. But the fact that you are unable to discuss it with them or that they are not sensitive to your concerns particularly where your own kids are concerned makes me think that these are not really true friends at all.

Our two sons have always played computer games. They are 22 & 23 now. Both have degrees. One is doing his Masters. They both appear completely 'normal' (Whatever that is). No need to worry!!

Letting your kids "self-regulate" their screen time ( and even that sounds pompous tbh) is lazy patenting now is it? How smug and judgemental does that sound haha! Because of course you've got to micro manage every minute of your children's lifes to be a good parent

Mine self regulate too, they also do so with sweets/treats, fizzy drinks etc they are 12 and 14 now,

none of them are forbidden, restricted etc, but they buy sweets/chocolate maybe once a fortnight, have a fizzy drink on pizza night at the weekend and use their screens to check in with friends once or twice an evening and maybe for a couple of hours game play after homework at the weekend....

because I have taught them to,

because I think the act of self regulating (self control) is a very valuable one to have as an adult - and you only learn this through childhood if you are taught how to do it and trusted to do it.

I don't want their first attempts at self control to be at Uni...

I am genuinely interested how people taught there child to self regulate screen time..

My Ds would spend the whole day watching TV and playing electronic games left to his own devices...His mood then detiorates and we no longer have a happy home. I have tested this

Some kids are more or less interested in electronics games...I could do generally let him have sweets choc on request unless I am making serving up tea ... but screen time I dont see how to teach him other than putting reasonable limits on..

You create an environment at home where self-control/self regulation is continually and consistently rewarded.

You take turns, play games that require them to spend time away from the screen as well as on it.

You help them plan ahead and get them to talk you through their day - "if I play on here for an hour that still gives me time to go to the shop/read my comic/finish my homework/watch the film we all want to see". Have a mix of things that NEED to be done as well as things that are more valued than screen time.

It is just the same as for any other part of life that needs self regulation really - reward the behaviour you want and remind them of the consequences of not following that behaviour, model that behaviour yourself as well - lead by example I guess

O Blimey! Most people observe other peoples house rules/guide lines - it is important kids learn different rules, different places & people and to observe out of respect. So I do think your friend is a bit rude.

Unfortunately there are times in our life when we need to cut loose people who we used to be on a par with, but are now not. It doesn't mean to say somebody s wrong; just that they now have different and incompatible thoughts on stuff.

As for your children not getting enough screen time; most of us are battling with it & trying to reduce it, take note of that. If it suits your kids in your home & is reasonable, don't even consider changing.

As for self regulating children - gosh I wish my Mum had allowed me to self regulate, TV, Junk Food, bed time, and chocolate .... I would have been SUCH a happy child - fat, unhealthy, socially unaware and knackered ... but hey at least she could say it was all my fault as I failed to 'self regulate' very well.

it is not "allowing" to self regulate - it is teaching to self regulate - an important difference

when do you expect your kids to self regulate? when they leave home for the first time?

I seem unable to regulate my own screen time and I am 43!.

Some people have such a B&W view of the world.

DS loves playing Monopoly atm, if he is unable to drum up interest to play it over the board, he'll happily play it on his i-pad. Is this a good thing - as related to childhood game that we all know about and helps with arithmetic, forward planning and strategy , or is it a bad thing - as it involves a screen and is therefore the work of the devil?

Everyone in the scenario seems rude here. DCs walking in playing on their screens already - agree is rude. OP telling her guests what they can and cannot bring with them and acting like Hi-de-Hi camp ents organiser with friends children, rude and slightly bonkers.

empimp it's so funny you say that because NONE of the NT self children I know whose parents allow them to self regulate are fat, unhealthy or socially unaware, in fact I would go so far as to say that they're more independent and switched on than I would usually expect of from children of their age. My ds is a bit socially unaware but that's because he's autistic.

It's not a case of a big free for all where everyone just carries on however they want to. The day is structured, like most peoples and actually really busy. There's not actually enough time in the day for my dc to be sat for 8 hours straight at a screen, there's too much else going on, too many things to interrupt that. If you've a child who is sat for hours straight day after day at a screen you many want to ask yourself, the adult, why that child has all that time to do so with nothing else going on.

My DS does not sit on laptop, TV all day..We do not have the time..I did it once as an experiment.

The point it we do go out have homework to do places to go. so I say to him finish that game and we will then go out, we might come home play a game..

I wouldn't allow him in OP situation to take electronic toys with him. He enjoys other things but he gets sucked into an electronic world...

He is 7...So yes I do decide lots of things like what he eats when he baths, when he goes to bed... Life doesn't work otherwise.

As I said I don't like the words self-regulation anyway is not the same to me as letting kids go what they like when they like - of course I still have a say about mealtimes, bedtimes etc. to me it's not dictating their leisure time, but if I felt my 7 year old had been on the Playstation or whatever too long I would say so and he would find something else to do, not so much with my 12 year old - it's up to him, and as much as he loves his X box which is in his room, he's just as likely to be up there reading or out at his youth club. Partly it's because I don't think "screens" are the devil and turn kids into anti-social zombies or whatever, I do know some kids who come to our house are obsessed and that tends to be because they don't have them at home, nothing to do with me what their parents think or parent of course.

Nicki so, these children aren't really self-regulating, are they? To me, a truly self regulating child would switch off even if there wasn't anything else in particular to do. But if you're saying that they self-regulate because there are other things going on - that is not the same - they are 'self-regulating' in a very regulated world. If that regulated world vanished, are you confident they would carry on 'self-regulating'?

You start off teaching them to self regulate by having many other things that need doing, or that are nice to do... this leads to the ability to do other things by choice even if nothing is pressing. It is not something kids can do overnight, that is what parents are for - to guide them to want to make the right choices..

I have 2 girls - 12 and 14 - they set their own bedtimes, set their own screen hours, set their own sweet intake etc, because they have been taught to take care of their own wellbeing, that over indulgence in these things is ok sometimes, but continued over indulgence has consequences for their whole life, for their physical and mental health.

If you do not get your kids to "invest" in their OWN future wellbeing, no-body else is going to pick up that slack, you cannot and should not be there holding the reins forever - start young, it is easier to not let habits form.

Yes, I am very confident as I see it every day. They get fed up with screens and will do other stuff. Dd is very creative and prefers drawing and baking and will often come and ask for other things to do, knitting is the most recent thing we are in to.

Ds probably less so but he is a model railway enthusiast so spends quite a lot of time on that.

I know it's hard to believe but that's what they're like and always have been. I have never controlled screens, even when small. In addition they very rarely watch tv either, the odd DVD, or download usually a Disney movie and we go to the cinema sometimes, certainly they have no regular TV programmes they watch these days except Top Gear, ds is mad about that.