To ask them to leave the screens at home?

[goindowntoyasgursfarm]

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

Exactly as somewhere says.

so it's a taught skill? Because some of the stuff I've read on here (MN in general) seems to suggest that children should be allowed to self-regulate, the implication being that they'll do it automatically. Which is surely pure luck as to whether any particular child actually does regulate, or whether they binge (I grew up in a house with a larder full of biscuits and Mr Kipling cakes, to which anyone could help themselves whenever. Did I ever learn to self-regulate (I certainly wasn't taught)? Did I fuck. Porky teenager with a mouthful of fillings).

But as a very carefully taught skill - that is of course completely different. And (in the context of this thread) you would hope that along with being taught how to regulate your intake (of screens, food, whatever), they would be taught some manners and social skills too - which the children in the OP don't appear to have been taught - either the regulation or the manners.

So perhaps people should stop sweepingly, and rather smugly, saying 'my children have always self-regulated', they should say (more honestly) 'I spent a lot of time and energy in teaching my children to regulate their intake [of whatever] and at age 12 they are reaping the benefits' or 'my children self-regulate, dunno why as they were never taught, but it's handy, eh, could easily have gone the other way'. Because it's obvious that there are plenty of children out there whose parents aren't (for whatever reason) giving them a structured life packed full of exciting opportunities to knit or learn tae kwondo or whatever else. They just have a screen.

I'm not being sweeping and I am not being smug. I believe I said earlier in the thread that I was aware it wouldn't work for all children. It worked for mine, I am lucky. I don't believe it was carefully taught either. I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be and acted accordingly. It worked.

I do believe though that many parents don't trust their own instincts because there are so many different parenting theories out there and we are all so terrified of getting it "wrong".

This is the one I tried to follow and it always worked well for me .

CTFD

Oh and that was combined with a healthy dose of "whatever advice my Mum gives me, Do The Opposite".

OP - I can see where you are coming from, but I don't think you can tell guests what their children can and cannot do.
However well-meaning, and even if you are right, giving other people parenting 'advice' always gets taken badly, particularly if it is done via email or text. And however nice your text was, no matter how many smileys, the meaning of it was obvious.
The one and only time I have had to unfriend someone was when she emailed me to give me advice (that I hadn't asked for) on how to deal with my 3 year old DD having a tantrum. Yes she was well-meaning, she may even have been right (we all have good and bad parenting days) but her email made me feel like crap and I decided that being a parent is difficult and guilt-ridden enough without feeling like your friends are judging you as well.

Your friend may even be aware that her children have too much screen time, it might even be an issue she is struggling with, but no-one would take kindly to having someone else judging them on it.
I have noticed from your posts that you haven't liked it at all when other posters have made assumptions about your family, or made suggestions about your parenting. Well, that is just how your friend is likely to feel now!

I also thought it interesting that whilst you are obviously not into much screen time for kids, you thought it was OK to communicate something fairly sensitive to your friend via a screen (text)? In my experience text and email can easily get taken the wrong way when used for sensitive issues. In person or phone call is much better.

For example, we have long-standing friends who come over for lunch and their children are very picky eaters, but to me the friendship is far more important that whether or not their kids like my cooking. To avoid any awkward situations we usually have a chat on the phone beforehand, I'll mention what we are having for lunch, and what their kids might be likely to eat. We have a bit of a joke about it! Their kids will grow up, they won't be picky eaters for ever, and I'd like to still have my friends at the end of it.

FWIW, I do think their son was very rude to walk in the house with his face in a screen and I would never ever let my children do that, nor would anyone I know. I wonder if it was a reaction to your text?

Re screen time. As you asked, the amount of computer time your kids have doesn't seem a lot to me, but it is your family and your decision, as long as it works for you that's fine. My kids have more than that, but in winter it does tend to be more than in summer.

Re your 4 year old's tantrum. I think the computer screen is a red-herring here, it wouldn't be unusual at a get-together with a mix of ages for a 4 year old to get a bit bothersome whatever games the older ones were playing, and have a tantrum, whether it is a computer game, lego, board game, den-making, crafts, whatever. The number of times I've had to intervene over the years because the youngest one has 'wrecked' whatever game it is the older ones were playing!

At the end of the day, you have make the decision - whether or not the friendship is more important to you; or the children's interactions / your kids access to computer games is the most important.
If the former, you just have to let it go, and hold your tongue, try not to be bothered by it. If the latter, you have to either lose them as friends, or arrange to meet adults-only, or at a pre-arranged activity (e.g. soft play).

However the damage may already have been done, sorry....

PS I forgot to say the one thing you CAN prescribe is the age-appropriateness of computer games. So for example, if a teenager was over and was playing some 15 rated games, they shouldn't do that in front of a 5 year old. Many people are particularly bothered about games that involve shooting and guns.
So when we visit my sister, my teenage nephew knows that he can't get out his first-person shooting games when my son is there, or put on films that are not PG.

If your friend's son was saying he had to finish 'killing' something he may have been playing something that was not appropriate for your 4 year old? In which case YANBU to ask him to turn that particular game off. You could ask if the game has an age certificate, and if he has something more appropriate he can play.

My DD was once at a playdate and described how the friend's dad was playing a computer game that sounded just like Grand Theft Auto. She hasn't been on a playdate there since....

One more thing! Computer games don't have to be kids sitting separately staring at individual screens 'like zombies'. The Wii is good for collaborative games (Just Dance and Wii Super Mario Sports being two that my kids and their cousins/friends have loads of fun with) they encourage teamwork, competitiveness, hand/eye coordination. Minecraft can be collaborative and creative, and there are plenty of other games that allow two+ players. On the tablet you can make music videos, edit photos etc.
Of course all of these still need children to consider others, take turns, be polite. The basic rules of play apply whether it's a computer game or other sort of game. If kids are just staring at their own screens and not even making an effort to share the games or join in with others then they are being antisocial IMO.

Would never be happy with anyone coming round with devices like this. Would not let a 4 year old use a screen at all. If I allowed my 9 yr old to self regulate, he would be playing computer games all day every day. Overuse has an effect on concentration and sleeping, not to mention social interaction. How rude to have a nose in a screen on arrival at someone else's house, and how rude to impose this activity on your hosts children! Sorry I would have no compunction in saying please don't bring them, my child will want to do nothing else and I don't think it's good for him. If they are offended, then so be it. I take the view that different people have different priorities, and different things annoy different parents.

but... if a child wants to do nothing else and can't self regulate - there are a fair few of those on this thread- is anybody doing anything about it? or just keeping the addicts away from their "drug" of choice?

all these 8/9/10/11/12 etc year old kids with a lack of self control worry me.

The important bit about self control/self regulation is the SELF bit - that needs to be modelled and taught by us parents - not imposed, it doesn't work that way.

I think on occasions it doesn't hurt to relax the rules on screen time, it won't do any harm. A 'structured day' filled with worthy activities sounds like very hard work to me.
I don't really get the angst on here about screen time. I never limited it and both dc (23 & 19 now) are fine, clever, sociable young men.