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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to leave the screens at home?

235 replies

goindowntoyasgursfarm · 17/01/2015 20:26

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 19/01/2015 14:19

OP, I can see where you're coming from (and fwiw I think it was very rude of them to allow a child to literally walk into your house without raising eyes from the screen to say hello) but it sounds to me as if your DC and your friends' DC have simply outgrown their friendship. Or, to put it another way, they may well still really like each other as people but now, at the ages they're at,simply enjoy doing such different things that time spent together has become more or less incompatible.

I think you either accept this and carry on, or accept it and stop trying to force the kids on each other and do nice evening dinners or whatever without DC there. As someone else said - they are your friends, not your DC's. It would be a shame for you to lose the friendship you have with your friends, but maybe it's time to accept that the children need to move on and not spend time together any more.

Fwiw, I think your screen time limits are probably about right for the under eight age range and probably more restrictive than the 'norm' for the over eights. But that's fine, your DC are clearly happy with it. You do sound more judgemental about screen time than the average mum of upper primary boys, too, but again-your family, it obviously works for you.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 14:25

It's all ME ME ME, I want to play on the iPad and that's it, the rest of you can fuck off

Don't mince your words now, Tam Wink Grin

Totally agree though.

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 19/01/2015 14:27

They could all play console games together but I'm guessing you wouldn't approve of that. If you're anti screen time your DC will be increasing out of step with their peers.

amidaiwish · 19/01/2015 14:29

Answer me this OP

If the boy had walked in reading a book, didn't say hello, didn't greet anyone, then just sat and read it all day is that worse, in your view, than walking in on his iPad?

Your problem seems to be with the screen when actually your friend's dc is just downright ignorant.

EveDallasRetd · 19/01/2015 14:38

I don't regulate screen time for my DD (9) at all. She can use the iPad as much or as little as she wants. When she has friends over they often bring theirs, and sometimes they play MPG, or use them together.

DD isn't a 'slack jawed zombie' and neither are any of her mates. We had a mate over yesterday for 8 hours. I reckon an hour of that was on the iPad, the rest just pootling around getting on with each other. At no point did I have to provide crafts/games/interference.

At age 8/9/10 I don't see why you are getting so involved. Your DS should have had the sense to say "I'm getting bored of watching, let's play something else" and if they didn't, gone off and done something he wanted to do (maybe with his siblings). I know DD would have had no problem doing that, so why did you feel the need to get involved?

var123 · 19/01/2015 14:43

Slack jawed zombies are more or less what i see when my DC are engrossed in a game.

Let's put it this way, even when they join up with other children who are in the same room, they never look at anyone's face because their eyes are glued to the screens.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 14:45

Amidaiwish, I'd consider it equally rude for a child to walk in staring at a book or an iPad. However, I think it's more likely that a child would be told to put the book down and play, in company, than being allowed to continue with the distraction of the iPad, pretty much indefinitely. They're both as rude as each other, but the screen is more accepted these days, it seems.

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 19/01/2015 14:46

Do you make the other mother do crafts too?

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 14:53

Your DS should have had the sense to say "I'm getting bored of watching ..."

Yep, he did, a couple of times, and wandered off a couple of times. He was met with "Wait! Just a minute, just need to get to the next level!/Just need to kill XXX"

Ach, Suki, crafts was just an example fgs.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 19/01/2015 14:59

I was going to say replace 'screen' with 'book', if you're happy with screens - the behaviour is equally rude.

Children need to learn that there is a time and a place. They weren't in their own home, they were in someone else's home, as guests. It doesn't have to be all formal, drawing-room etiquette, but surely, surely, there are basics that everyone adhers to?

EveDallasRetd · 19/01/2015 15:01

It was 45mins, then the parents put away the iPads and your 4 yr old had a tantrum.

I'm surprised your eldest couldn't amuse himself for 45 minutes in his own home.

KatieKaye · 19/01/2015 15:11

So your DS wandered off to do something else - but then came back to the guests? Who were still sitting there playing onscreen.

It sounds like they really didn't want to do whatever he was suggesting, which is a bit rude - give and take is nice. But it sounds as if they felt they'd "given" by just coming to your house in the first place. Did your DS start playing something else in the same room?

Perhaps the issue is that you like to have organised activities as you said, and they prefer to be more free and easy?

BathshebaDarkstone · 19/01/2015 15:15

I don't think you're depriving your DC. My DD has 2 hours total screen time a day, my DS has 10 minutes every time he's on the loo (potty training Grin). I often think my DD has too much screen time as she demands my phone and gets angry if I say no, so I think I'll be cutting it. Sad

RolandRatRocks · 19/01/2015 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 15:19

I'm surprised your eldest couldn't amuse himself for 45 mins in his own home.

Eve, of course he can, what a strange thing to say. He was politely sitting with his friends, joining in with what they wanted to do as they were the guests (and yeah, of course he likes a certain amount of games himself).

It was 45 mins until I tried to take 4yo away. The DC, altogether, were on for a heck of a lot longer than that.

Nope I don't prefer organised activities at all, Katie. My ideal would be for the DC to disappear into the back garden for a couple of hours playing.

OP posts:
Hmmm2014 · 19/01/2015 15:19

I don't agree with self regulating for the kids. But I do think 3 x 30 mins a week is very paltry.

I'd just suck up the screens when you see these friends (although I do think it's rude too to bring all the screens out). Just see them less often if it really stresses you out.

alicemalice · 19/01/2015 15:26

I think you're pretty strict with your own kids' screen time.

It was rude of the kid to wander in with an iPad but I don't think you should intervene at all. It's not your place. I don't think you should try to impose your parenting on other families, no matter how much you disagree.

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2015 15:44

You say the last couple of times they've been round they've done this.

Last time, your eldest DC whined for over an hour an hour about it and told you he was 'actually really sad about the whole issue. '

If that hadn't have been the case, would you still have decided on behalf of everyone that the kids should play outside, not bring computer games and direct them towards activities they clearly don't want to do, such as board games/craft bits and pieces/table football etc?

You see it sounds as though you're attaching conditions to your friend's lunch invites. Do everything your way to suit you and your kids, or risk pissing you off.

I'm guessing your friends are pretty pissed off with your text, which is why they ignored it and commented about your rules on screen time for your kids.

What I think they're basically saying is, butt out and stop trying to organise everyone just to make you and your kids happy.

Harsh, but if they get so much as a hint of how judgey you are about their parenting, I can see why they might be so defensive.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 15:53

Worra, I take exception - he didn't fucking whine. We had a lovely long talk that night when he was in bed - a mature, sensible boy having a calm discussion with his mum about something that was bothering him. I am so happy he feels he can talk to me like that. Read into it what you like, you obviously are, but he didn't fucking whine.

People's assumptions on this thread - their DC don't like my DC; my DS is unable to amuse himself are really starting to piss me off.

I hope my friend wasn't pissed off with the text I sent - I thought it was really pretty polite - but I will ask her.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/01/2015 16:04

What? For over an hour because the kid preferred screen play to what your son wanted him to play? Hmm

Of course your friend was pissed off. Why do you think she ignored it, even though she'd been on Facebook?

You were attaching conditions to your lunch invite.

As a PP said back up the thread, no doubt they'll start to decline if it carries on.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 16:04

Do you think your son knows you were disappointed that they bought their tablets?

I agree it is rude to have a guest walk in glued to a gadget. I'm just not sure it's worth upsetting a good friendship over though.

I personally cringe seeing kids glued to screens for the entirety of a meal etc so I'm getting where you are coming from.

I think she had planned that comeback to you about screen time. It sounds like she realises its your pet hate.

Lottapianos · 19/01/2015 16:06

Whatever happened to that old MN favourite - your house, your rules? It's reasonable to expect to follow some rules when in someone else's home, and that goes for children as well as adults. If OP's friend's children are allowed to jump on the furniture in their home, does that mean that she should allow the same?

NickiFury · 19/01/2015 16:07

I think you sound very black and white and I can never really take that kind of thinking seriously.

Your kids - mature, sensible, want to play worthy games and do jolly activities.

Her kids - rude and ill mannered, podgy and inactive, only interested in screen time.

I would have ignored your message too and probably had a good laugh with DH about it. She will be sensing how you feel about her kids and I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to establish some distance between you, I know I would.

Tinkerball · 19/01/2015 16:08

What age is their eldest who walked in?

RiverTam · 19/01/2015 16:15

to those who think this is alright - do you or do you not think it's rude for a child (or anyone of any age for that matter) to come through their host's door glued to a screen (or a book, if you like) and spend all day, pretty much, with their nose in that item? And just because that's what they 'want' to do? Do you always let your DC do what they want in every given situation? Say they saw that there was chocolate cake for pudding and they refused to eat anything else except the cake - would that be fine too? because that's what they want, and they can't be 'forced' to do anything else?

I do think the OP is being a tad over the top with regard to screen usage. But there is the issue of the other DC apparently having no manners to speak of, which to my mind is far more important, especially when looked at in conjunction with screen usage - I doubt that these DC are slack-jawed, but they do seem to be lacking in social graces - how much might that be tied in with their parents' more laissez-faire attitude to screens?