To ask them to leave the screens at home?

[goindowntoyasgursfarm]

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

I'm sympathetic to the OP, I also don't like it when visiting children, or adults, are glued to screens. And I would not permit my children (2 of whom are teenagers now) to do that - not while I'm watching, or while we're all together at someone's house.

But you can't really ask other people to limit screen time, it only ends badly. I was really offended one time when babysitting a 6yo boy for the afternoon, as a favour, and the father asked me not to let him watch TV (or go in the car, I'd suggested a nice wholesome trip to the nearby forest) or go out scooting around the village). I wasn't going to turn the tv on but I was offended at being asked not to.

Adults are frequently more attentive to their phones than to the people they're with too, it's not just children. but again you can't really ask an adult friend to put away their phone in the pub.

Agree that forced board games can be hell. and that computer games can be interactional and cooperative. I think for me it's just the fact that if you are attending a social event you should probably be prepared to interact with the people there, not with people elsewhere. Or why bother?

Yes it's rude. But it's not the OP's job to fix. They are guests in her house, nothing more.

You can't force someone else's kid to eat more than just cake either.

What comes across is that the OP is quite particular and is trying to bend other people to her way of doing stuff.

I don't think it's alright. As I have said, it's rude...particularly walking in whilst glued to the screen.

But I also think the OP comes across as quite judgemental and overbearing, in that she's taken it upon herself to decide for everyone what sort of leisure activities her friend's should be doing while they visit.

Part of being a good host is being gracious, not overbearing, judgemental and attaching conditions to her guest's lunch invites.

I'm not a fan of your house, your rules Lotta whether it's an MN favourite or not. I think guests should be made comfortable in your home, not uncomfortable and dictated to. And what has jumping on the furniture got to do with amything? They weren't.

I don't think it's ok as in "yay, what a wonderful way to be" but I agree with Worra that the the OP seems very black and white about things.

I think the furniture-jumping is a good point. If that's ok in your friend's home, must it also be in yours?

It's not ungracious, overbearing or judgmental to want to protect your furniture from being damaged...

Furniture jumping is irrelevant. You would just say do you mind not doing that or you'll break the furniture.

Playing a game on a computer screen is not wrecking your house.

OP, you've fought the good fight on this thread. I'm afraid I'm off though. It's just getting too bonkers and I dont' have the energy. Good luck and well done again!

I think you absolutely can police screen time of somebody elses children if it's in you home.

I have read the thread and don't understand why you just couldn't have called your friend in the first place and say your son was sad they didn't play or whatever. Surely friends talk to each other, not send cryptic texts?

Even if it goes against the wishes of the visiting childrens parents nevergoogle?

Is it easier in the summer when you can all be outside op? Do they still play on them then.

I'm not totally unsympathetic, op, it's a shame for your children. But where we differ is that i don't think its your place to dictate what they do because they are in your home.

Maybe invite different families round with their dc who are happy to play games with yours; and either accept this is what will happen when this family comes round or just see the adults separately from all the children.

I think that's the best solution Bowlersarm

i guess yes. an example would be when friends are round and the children are playing the wii. I cannot bear the negotiations and countdowns from parents when it's time to go. So if a kid is whining about not wanting to stop when it's time to go and the parent is giving it, 'but sweetie darling', I will take the remote control and switch it off. It's time to go!

Although if a child has say aspergers I would take the parents lead.

i am also completely aware that this does not make me popular.

it's a good job i dont' give a fuck.

Thanks for the peaceable kingdom recommendation OP! Off to have a look now.

OP I have to say the more you post the more I'm getting a definite sense of 'I have lovely wholesome children who have lovely wholesome manners and want to play lovely wholesome games'.

Whilst you give the impression - this might not be what you actually think, but it's what comes across - that your friends' DC are ill mannered and slack jawed and by far inferior to your own lovely wholesome DC.

As I say- might not be what you think, but it's how you are coming across on here.

And if that's how you come across in real life, I'm not surprised your friends felt defensive.

Why don't you just stop seeing them? Genuine question, you don't sound as if you like their DCs much and clearly disapprove of your friends parenting...why put yourselves through it?

In 1970s My parents labeled me anti-social and rude because at social occasions like OP describes I didn't join in. This happened lots. My folks were very angry about it. I wanted to read a book or do puzzles instead.

Maybe my parents were embarrassed?

We don't invite whole families around for meals, but if other kids did turn up at our house with screens my kids would sit down and enjoy watching the others on their games. It's part of how my kids socialise. Or they can play outside. They're flexible.

If I were OP's friends I wouldn't want to go around to OP's house any more.

Oh, okay - you don't like things organised, OP. But you do like things to be structured, don't you?
A structured day is what I try to do but it always seems to fall by the wayside/I end up feeling like a sergeant major and not really having people on board.

Sorry, but these are two sides of the same coin to me. Which is why I wondered if their DC preferred a more free and easy atmosphere. it does sound like that as the DCs have grown there are personality clashes, with your DC preferring different activities and getting upset when their guests refuse to budge. Which is rude of them (the guests). Presumably their parents don't give them the talk about how you behave in other people's houses, which would include greeting them pleasantly on arrival, btw!

I think these DC are making it pretty clear that they don't want to do the sort of activities your DC enjoy. it doesn't sounds as if either lot of DC get much from the visits.

the PARENTS are YOUR friends. The fact that your children & their children are the same age doesn't automatically mean they'll be friends or like each other or have the same interests.. The other children may simply not want to play with your children but have to tag along with mum and dad.

My thoughts too.

it was 45 mins until I tried to take 4yo away. The DC, altogether, were on for a heck of a lot longer than that

I'm afraid I don't understand. After 45 mins you tried to get the 4 yr old away and he tantrums even after the parents put the iPad away

"heck of a lot longer" - How long was your 4 year old tantruming for?

You also say I don't see why screens should be imposed on my DC, in my own house did your kids really feel imposed on? Like they were 'forced' to play/watch? Or could they have gone off and done their own thing?

I really think you have blown this out of all proportion. You have potentially spoiled a friendship, over a once-in-a-while breaking of your (rather inflexible imo) rules. Even if your children had spent hours using screens that day, it wouldn't have ruined them - you could have gone straight back to your own rules the minute your friends walked back out the door.

I think this friendship has run its course, you obviously don't agree with each other's parenting styles, and you've both been offended/judgemental about it. Maybe you should look for friends whose children/parenting style you do approve of.

Say they saw that there was chocolate cake for pudding and they refused to eat anything else except the cake - would that be fine too? because that's what they want, and they can't be 'forced' to do anything else?

Absolutely fine. "The my house my rules" mantra is far, far, far worse by a very long way than a child "guest" (who probably doesn't want to be there in the first place) refusing to eat his vegetables.

And I see the old cliché of jumping on furniture as the justification for "my house my rules" rears its head.

Maybe OP if you spent less screen time in your phone you would have phoned and talked to your friend rather than texting her .

I do think you could have been more assertive in your original message and FWIW their oldest sounded rude. Maybe if you'd talked about it though you could have reached a compromise - screen time after lunch but not before? Maybe you could meet then halfway if you want to continue seeing them.

Our DS is only really allowed to play on our tablet when we are trying to have some rare grown up time with friends (he's 4) and there are no other DC there. I imagine that will increase as he gets older. He does use it in cafes and pubs - I do think some people would judge us on that but it's the kind of places that are boring for children and where I would read the news or mumsnet if I was on my own.