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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to leave the screens at home?

235 replies

goindowntoyasgursfarm · 17/01/2015 20:26

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/01/2015 09:51

Well you both have different ideas on how you like things and you both didn't like being criticised for it. You tried to impose your way and it was sent back to you quite nicely.

You can't police other people's kids sadly.

cozietoesie · 19/01/2015 09:52

No-one, youngsters or adults, is allowed to sit on screens at our house during social events and if they don't want to come because of that, tough.

It does mean ensuring that the youngsters have things to do though and that they're included in any goings-on. (I recall sitting feeling like a spare wheel when I was a youngster myself because I had no social skills and the adults seemed disinclined to include us. We try ro avoid that.)

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 09:53

But youlllikeitnotalot does have a good point...

nottheOP · 19/01/2015 09:55

I would say that you're trying to limit screen time at the moment and ask that they accommodate you. Say your kids will get jealous if not.

Basically make it about your kids rather than theirs

APlaceInTheWinter · 19/01/2015 09:55

You don't sound very friendly tbh. If you have rules for your DCs then that's fine. You don't have a right to impose them on your friends' DCs and it's a bit of a cop out to blame your friend's DCs for your DC throwing a tantrum.

I also agree with YoullLikeIt . The parents are supposed to be your friends that doesn't mean your DCs will automatically like each other. I think your friend only criticised your approach to screens because you had commented negatively on her approach first.

Kittymum03 · 19/01/2015 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 09:58

yellowdinosaur "We'll have to agree to disagree" is exactly the phrase I used with my friend, in fact. It all ended pretty cordially - we've known each other for decades and I hope it won't affect our friendship really, I might just have to think of more creative ways of getting them out and about.

Whoever said the DC are not friends with each other no, they really are, theyve all known each other their entire lives and until about 2 years ago, were always out playing in the garden whenever we met up.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 09:58

They are just different and you will probably never agree in this one.

What did you say in return?

I personally hate to see kids glued to screens and do think it verges on rude but each to their own.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 10:00

gamerchick if I hadn't 'tried to impose my way', then their DCs' way would have been imposed on my kids. Which, in fact, it was. In their home, maybe, but I'm a little bit pissed off with it happening in my home.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 19/01/2015 10:00

Oh that's a shame :(

My DCs get 15 mins each a day on the iPad during the week, and 30 mins each at the weekend. That's plenty for them. Obviously if they have computer related homework then they have that as extra. So no I don't think you are being too strict.

I think self regulation can work well (that's what mine do with TV at the weekend - went through a phase of demanding DVDs all day, but now happily watch one and run off to play for hours after) - however, it doesn't seem like it's working that well if their DCs aren't even engaging with their friends or willing to do other stuff? I don't know.

It sounds like she did read the message but couldn't persuade the DCs to leave the screens.

Unfortunately it just comes down to parenting differences - I do agree it's rude of them TBH but you can't do anything about it, especially now they've said that, so it's a case of putting up with it when you see them, or not seeing them.

nottheOP · 19/01/2015 10:00

Sorry, should have rtft!

I limit time on the tablets to when ds is needing to be entertained when we're out. I do put the TV on too much at home though but he usually plays alongside it too. He's only 2.5 though.

Self regulating screens doesn't sound great though. I don't think ds would want to play with anything else!

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 10:01

Jeez, APlaceintheWinter, I'm not sure how not wanting my DC to turn into slack-jawed zombies for hours at a time equates to being 'not very friendly tbh'

OP posts:
OldBeanbagz · 19/01/2015 10:05

It's a shame that kids rely so much on screens these days and you should be proud of your DS for wanting actual quality play time with his friends.

I was Shock when a child starting got out his iPad at my DS's birthday party. It wasn't a party at home either, they were out doing an activity!

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 10:07

Yikes OldBeanbagz, so rude! How old was the child?

OP posts:
OddFodd · 19/01/2015 10:08

I think 30 minutes 3 times a week is pretty low (not for the 4 year old but for 8 and 9 year olds) but that's your choice and it's as valid as your friends. It's very tricky with friends if you have very different ideas about suitable screen time. The only thing I can suggest is that you go out for a walk after lunch.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 10:08

We were out for lunch yesterday and waitress said 'that's a rare sight these days' at dd doing her colouring etc at the table....she's probably right.

thegreylady · 19/01/2015 10:13

My dgs aged 5.11 and 8.4 are allowed 30 minutes a day at weekends, including Friday evening. Anything else is a rare extra. They never complain.

fuzzpig · 19/01/2015 10:17

OldBeanbagz Shock what did you do?

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 10:18

That sounds good to me, thegreylady. I just feel that any more than that prevents them from doing all the other things they need to be doing at that age.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/01/2015 10:19

Id just say "maybe we should just meet up when we are child free. I dont feel its fair on my kids for them to have friends round to their house who basically ignore them while they play on their tablets the whole time. It is actually quite rude. I wouldnt sit on my phone the whole time I am round and your house"

In for a penny in for a pound.

tumbletumble · 19/01/2015 10:25

This is tricky in the same way as it's always difficult when you and your friends have different parenting strategies.

For example, when they were little my DC were allowed to leave the table whenever they wanted to, (except for Sunday lunch or a special occasion). My friend (a close friend who we saw frequently) made her DC sit at the table until everyone had finished. Partly because she had a very fussy eater who would leave the table without eating anything if he could.

I don't think either or us were 'right' or wrong - just different. But it resulted in some tense meal times when the DC were toddlers, with either me trying to force mine to sit for ages in front of an empty plate (her DC are VERY slow eaters!) or hers getting upset because mine were off playing.

In general I believe you can't impose your parenting rules on another family. So although I think it's a real shame they bring their screens to a play date (and I would never let my DC's do that personally) I think you have to either put up with it or stop inviting them. Sorry.

Original poster
goindowntoyasgursfarm · 19/01/2015 10:31

I think you're probably right, tumble. Hm, we have the food problem you describe with another family too (my cousin's family, in fact). Tension at the table is not the word! Maybe we're the weird ones ... Grin

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 19/01/2015 10:36

How often do you see your friends? And are you actually concerned that the extra screen time while they are at your house will have a negative impact on your children?

For what it's worth, I agree with you that taking screens to other people's houses is rude and unneccesary. I never allow my children (of exactly the same age) to take them out with them. My brother allows his lot to take them to my parents when we are all there and I think it's a shame really. When they don't have screens they all play really nicely together.

However, your friends have different rules to you and I really don't think it's worth falling out over - unless you see them every weekend or something. Are your children really having loads of extra screen time because of this?

OldBeanbagz · 19/01/2015 10:38

I asked him to put it away and he reluctantly did. The boy in question is 10yo and is hardly ever without a device Sad

APlaceInTheWinter · 19/01/2015 10:46

APlaceintheWinter, I'm not sure how not wanting my DC to turn into slack-jawed zombies for hours at a time equates to being 'not very friendly tbh'

Just checked, nope, I didn't say anything about you wanting your DC to turn into a 'slack-jawed zombie'.

To clarify my post, since it seems to have confused you. You don't sound very friendly with the parents . I would have had a chat with my friend about it, explained why it was bothering me and asked for a mutual solution. However if my friend didn't have a problem with their DCs being on screens then I wouldn't have sent a PA text about playing outside. That's not very friendly imo.

fwiw I don't let my DS take screens with him when visiting. But, I also have a pretty good grasp of what's going on in my friend's lives and their parenting stances, and if they are in my house with their DCs then it's their call if their DCs are playing on screens.