To ask them to leave the screens at home?

[goindowntoyasgursfarm]

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

OP you and your friends are both on such opposite ends of the spectrum. Whilst (as I said before) it is spectacularly rude to play on screens whilst at a social occasion (walking in already playing, jeez), you are much more restrictive than the norm. "Self-regulating" screen time clearly doesn't work in their household, not at all.

What I don't get is why its ok for her to say what you think, and not for you? Or and why you pussy-footed around the issue so much in the first place. Perhaps you could have had a proper discussion and compromised on no screens till after lunch/playing out, or that they can play on it after an agreed time when everyone's tired etc.

You may find that your next invitation for the families to get together may be politely declined.

Or not so politely...

I do think that it is the height of rudeness to visit someone and have your head buried in a screen. Not just screens mind, I still wouldn't allow mine to visit someone else and sit ignoring everyone with their head in a book all day either.

Screen time is strictly regulated in my house and they are absolutely never allowed at mealtimes, they must be switched off and left in my office (where they all live on a bank of chargers when not in use so I can have them all together in one place to easily police them).

That said, you can't hope to address this without looking like you're telling someone else how to parent so I would just let it go.
If their DC's are ignoring yours then you don't have to allow yours to become 'zombies', just tell them to forget the other kids and carry on with whatever they were doing anyway. To be fair, some of my friends DC's are more tolerable when they're engrossed in an Ipad, at least they're quiet and still!

Bowlers I would include physical games like sardines in the good games category, clearly. Not meaning to confuse by singling out board games only.

my girls (12/14) take their devices to their Grans - I have a video of the 2 girls and their Gran all lined up on the sofa, playing a game together on their Nintendo DS's (Gran has one too!) having a whale of a time.

They take their devices to Grandma's too - that way they can share their stuff with their cousins and v.v - they all get to know how to use bluetooth, how to unlock this and that - lots of online skills that one or the other of them teach each other. They share youtube stuff that they find funny, they share stuff that is "cool" so no one gets left out or left behind at school.

(Ours are already so uncool because they don't watch soaps or reality TV - we are not leaving devices and popular culture behind completely - they would die a social death at school - at least the devices need skills to use them fully.)

We'd probably be judged as crappy parents, but hey ho - my kids are great so who cares what others think about my own unique parenting style -

we all have one of those...

Hmm I have to disagree with the eye contact thing too, when I am referring "in your face!" wrestling matches between ds and his mates because someone was a "Bad Winner" it certainly feels like there is loads of interaction going on.

Refereeing that should be

I don't get all this anti-screen angst you see on Mumsnet at times. I don't tend to restrict the time my sons aged 7 and 12 have with their tablets, Playstation etc ....and they manage not to be "slack jawed zombies" and funny enough so does my 21 year old DS who grew up the same. The younger 2 still have lots of other interests in things in life, I've always found restricting anything makes kids crave it even more, sometimes to the point of obsession.

My last point on this as I don't think the OP is listening

There is a world of difference between children playing say on the x-box together, multiple controllers, TV screen, chatting and laughing whilst playing
Vs
Her friend's ds walking in already glued to an iPad not interacting and then just sitting there playing it alone. That is rude. But no more rude than walking in reading a book and sitting there all day ignoring everyone reading his book.

Stop blaming the screen!

The guests were rude... However as you asked I do think 30 mins 3 times a week is not a lot for an 8 year old.. However this depends what he does online..My ds (7) can play educational games in the week.... But then we get into the what is educational.

This also depends do they have after school activities , do they have after school childcare. It sounds like your DC enjoy playing games so unless there is an issue in you can carry on your own way

Loads if board games do not necessarily involve eye contact )chess) and some actively discourage empathy (monopoly).

It does sound as if the older DC at least is reluctant to play with your DC, who sounds distraught that the friendship has changed. I'd be wanting to explore that more bit in the realisation that once close friends can grow apart.

FWIW I think letting their DC bring screens in the knowledge that they will be glued to them against your wishes us trying to hint that their DC don't want to play with yours. Maybe you need a frank chat with your friend about this?

Amidaiawash exactly.

And for all that I've been speaking up in favour of computer and board games being equivalent, actually for myself I love board games and wish I could persuade my sons to play with me more often!

Most board games don't encourage empathy IME - they encourage competitiveness! DS plays both but I'd say that he and his friends demonstrate teamworking a lot more when they're playing a video game together.

Well, you have a few choices here OP.

You can either let the situation continue as it is (which I wouldn't do, what's the bloody point of getting the kids together if they all sit there doing something completely separate!)

Invite them over, but let your kids do whatever they want to do elsewhere. Even let them invite other friends over as well, so that they've got someone to play with.

Invite the parents but tell them your DC won't be there, and send your DC off to friends' houses - 'I'm sure you're DC won't mind, they'll probably enjoy the quiet time on their gamepads'.

Stop inviting them over, or only see them in the evenings without children.

I haven't read the whole thread but I feel your pain. We planned a wonderful holiday in a big house with a pool somewhere hot with three families. The two other families came attached to their I-pads and the pool barely got a look in. The other two ten year olds sat inside for many hours while my ds played in the pool with the little ones. Waste of time.

  We don't live in the UK and it shocks me to see how very reliant even tiny children are on their tablets etc when I go home. I don't see it here.

Heh, OddFodd, I do have a selection of cooperative boardgames from Peaceable Kingdom that actually discourage competitiveness, just to add to my perceived weirdness ...

Goin I also have cooperative games and they're great for variety. Forbidden island, forbidden desert and pandemic.... Competitive ones are fun too but it's nice to have a bit of both

I do not regulate screen time, my kids just don't need that though I understand not all children are like that. I do think it can often be chicken and egg though. You regulate so they become obsessive or they are obsessive so you regulate and it's really hard to determine which way round it is.

However there's no possible way my dc would be sat on screens while there was a swimming pool to be in, that I don't understand. When we are away on holiday, the requests to go to the pool or beach begin the moment they open their eyes in the morning. They would prefer to be doing physical activity above all else. I am very active though and have always hauled them along even as babies so maybe that's it.

Agree, yellow. It's about variety. And I suppose I look at screen time as a bit of variety into my DC's lives, along with books, outdoor play, baking, drawing, what have you. Part of their lives, but not the default norm.

I don't have a problem with screens but if my children walked into someone else's house with their nose pressed against one, or demanded to play a game on my phone the second they didn't feel 100% entertained then I would flip. It is incredibly rude. We have friends over for Sunday lunch a few months ago, the children all came with iPads and within minutes of arriving were lined up on a sofa glued to them. No interaction with our DC whatsoever despite all being friends. I was really hacked off and so were my DC, who had spent the morning plotting things to do with their friends. We all have tech, in various forms, in our house - but DH and I are very keen for our DC to have the social skills I go out into the big wide world and look people in the eye. Our two youngest spend 65% of their time with their mother, she never plays with the children and they spend their time with her watching TV or on tablets, which is her prerogative, however they really struggle to entertain themselves without a screen. I know computer skills are essential, but surely social skills are just as important?

'I know computer skills are essential, but surely social skills are just as important?'

Or - here's a crazy thought - maybe even more so?!!!

Her DC don't want to play with your DC. They're not causing any trouble. They're just entertaining themselves. What's wrong with that?

SukieTuesday - what's wrong with that is that her DC are visiting teh other DC's home.

However, it would be just as bad if they all went for a pub lunch or the other family were the hosts.

Its just as rude as if you went to a work outing but refused to speak to anyone because you don't really like them.

Precisely, Lotta

Sukie, as I mentioned upthread, that's not the case. The problem is that her DC think that they are 'playing with my DC' by all being on screens together in the same room for most of the afternoon. That's them playing!

but what about social skills? Aren't they important to learn? Any and every child needs to learn that you simply do not walk into your hosts' home glued to your screen and (it appears) only put it down for long enough to eat.

We don't have any tablets and your laptops are a bit elderly so we don't do anything on screens. I can see that there are some really good things out there that are educational and social. Great. But the situation the op describes, regardless of your views on screens, is really bad. Those children are clearly not being taught any kind of social behaviour, manners, etiquette, call it what you like. Put the screen issue aside. They are very, very rude. Clearly no concept of how to greet your host, make conversation, ask what other people would like to do. It's all ME ME ME, I want to play on the iPad and that's it, the rest of you can fuck off. They weren't even going to give doing anything else a chance.

I'm PMSL at the poor darlings being 'forced' to do something they don't want to (though the OP contradicts that, saying that the DC are all friendly with each other), as if that gives anyone carte blanche to leave their manners (if they have any) at home. I might not always want to see, I don't know, FIL, for lunch. But I will go along and be a good guest, not a sulky, mardy cow because DH has 'forced' me to do something that I might not 100% want to do, for approximately 4 hours.