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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to leave the screens at home?

235 replies

goindowntoyasgursfarm · 17/01/2015 20:26

Got friends coming for lunch tomorrow, their DCs are 9 and 8, similar to our 3. The last couple of times they've been round, their DC have brought ipad/phone/pod some combination or all of the above ...

All the DC retreat and basically stare at screens for the duration, more or less. My older DS tries to suggest other games to play, but they're usually not interested.

Last time they came, DS1 talked to me for over an hour after they'd gone home, saying he would like to play more with friends' older DS "but not on screens". He was actually really sad about the whole issue.

WIBU to ask the parents to leave all the devices at home tomorrow? I'm sooo tired of watching all the DC turn into zombies whenever these friends come round, but at the same time it feels kind of demanding/unwelcoming ...WWYD?

OP posts:
Karasea · 19/01/2015 10:54

It's one of those areas where reasonable people disagree. I think it's obvious you do so prob best to ignore, friendships being worth my more and all that. I do agree with you though I find it rude behaviour and so disruptive to the play dynamic that would be there otherwise.

I met a woman from school so our boys could play, we met in a playground. Her 7yr old had a hand held gaming device with him and never looked up! Odd behaviour all round.

We have iPads but they are not much used really, no play station and limited tv too. I am so out of step with the other parents we know but that is fine, they can think me bonkers and I can be delighted my kids love being outside. I know the two aren't a mutually incompatible but I think it is naive to expect children to be good at self regulating screen time when adults mostly aren't either.

wanttosqueezeyou · 19/01/2015 11:04

Someone suggested the children aren't friends.

Still think its rude to rock up at someones house already glued to a device and no surer way to kill a friendship/conversation. Perhaps they are allowing their children to 'self-regulate' manners too.

I think your screentime limits are reasonable and within typical limits. Ours are a little longer but weekend based.

I know people whose children spend a lot longer than this but they would still not arrive and walk through the door glued to a device.

LingDiLong · 19/01/2015 11:04

I probably allow my kids more screen time than the OP - around 30 minutes after school every day and then a couple of hours each day on the weekend. My 4 year old has loads less than that because she's not interested in screens so much yet. That works fine for me and the kids still love to be outside, draw, write, do board games, read etc etc

I think it's important they know how to be sociable and socialise though. And if it would be rude for an adult to take an ipad round to a friend's house and ignore them all evening then it's rude for a child to do likewise.

tumbletumble · 19/01/2015 11:19

I've just remembered that the friend I mentioned in my post knows my MN username Blush

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 11:20

Don't you mean ex friend?Grin

amidaiwish · 19/01/2015 11:22

I'm a bit in the middle here.
Yesterday we had friends with dc's over.
Dd1 and her son a bit older spent most of the afternoon in the front room playing minecraft then Disney infinity on the x-box. 2 controllers playing with each other talking and laughing, no harm in that? Obviously they came to eat and also happily played a board game a 5 year old son of another friend had brought when asked to.
Dd2 and their daughter spent the whole afternoon upstairs playing sylvanian families. Then they made a sylvanian movie on the iPad. Then a disco using spotify on the iPad.
All enjoyable sociable activities but all on screens/technology.

During the week it is limited purely by their activities, reading, homework etc each evening. In the holidays I do actively limit to 45 mins then a break to do something else.

amidaiwish · 19/01/2015 11:24

But walking into your house already on an iPad is just downright rude

I hate to say it but are you sure your dcs get on that well? It sounds like she's letting them bring their devices to entertain themselves as they don't want to come.

Ludoole · 19/01/2015 11:24

Where as i dont think its acceptable to sit looking at screens while visiting, my kids have never liked board games or crafty things to do.
I used to have a friend who came round to chat with me and although our kids were best friends they didnt always want to do things together. Are the children actually all friends or are your friends children just there because the parents are iyswim?

var123 · 19/01/2015 11:27

To the OP... I really sympathise. We were in exactly the same situation a couple of years ago (kids were aged between 8 & 10 and adult friendships went back to mid-80s).

There was no way to ask them to in any way limit their kids gadget time when we all met up. My kids actually found it boring after a while, especially Ds1. There was no attempt to compromise, as long as their children were content then all was right with the world.

We knew the other people so well, had been friends from uni, through our 20s and 30s, met up regularly when everyone was single, through engagements, weddings, first children all born at the same time etc, holidays together etc., etc.

Now we send Christmas cards and that's it. We couldn't bring ourselves to keeping putting DS1 and Ds2 through another long afternoon sitting feeling awkward while their kids pointedly ignored them, then the tears afterwards. They sort of knew but really didn't care as long as their children got what they wanted 100% of the time. So, we just stopped seeing them.

Maybe we will resume the friendship in a couple of years time when we can meet up again without the children, but I suspect something has broken for good.

Seriouslyffs · 19/01/2015 11:29

My teenagers are pretty much glued to their screens- it's a constant source of strife.
But they didn't get them until they were 13+, don't get them out in company or at a meal and are incredibly judgemental about younger children on screens, eg in restaurants or travelling.
I'm incredibly grateful that they weren't around when mine were younger and can see that it's a parenting/ socialising/ developmental minefield!

amidaiwish · 19/01/2015 11:32

Travelling?? Like on a long flight? That's when mine can use them completely unrestricted!!

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2015 11:32

It is rude

But WRT the kids being friends, it's possible they feel 'dragged' to your house and don't really want to be there, whether they get on with your kids or not.

It's no excuse but if they really wanted to play with your kids, they'd put their screens down.

I used to get dragged to my parent's friends house and would take a book to escape into Blush

Mind you, my Mum would make me put it down and forced me to play with them.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 19/01/2015 11:34

wanttosqueezeyou

Someone suggested the children aren't friends.

Still think its rude to rock up at someones house already glued to a device and no surer way to kill a friendship/conversation. Perhaps they are allowing their children to 'self-regulate' manners too.

Yes, agree to an extent, but I'm sure most people can imagine a situation along the lines of "yes I know Katie cheats at board games and Thomas gets overly aggressive at football, but your dad and I really want to see Peter and Jane for a couple of hours, so take your tablets and suck it up eh?"

It's not ideal, but I'd struggle to be bothered by it really. it's not a playdate (sorry, cringe!) is it?

Sorry OP, not suggesting YOUR children are cheats & aggressors, just trying to show it's not always as simple as "oh all just play together".

FishCanFly · 19/01/2015 11:36

It is awkward. Might be lazy parenting, but i find screens are pretty effective to keep kids entertained and out of trouble when you want to have a quiet cup of coffee with your friends.

Bowlersarm · 19/01/2015 11:41

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You see these people occasionally, not every week right? It's hardly the end of the world if your chilldren muddle through the day with them, rather than doing what you dictate.

Sundayplease · 19/01/2015 11:41

I do know what you mean but I would just let them get on with it and enjoy the peace.

RiverTam · 19/01/2015 11:42

well, they don't sound like they're teaching their DC any manners - walking through the door glued to the screen with a mumbled greeting thrown your way? I'm not making lunch for someone that ill-mannered!

Sundayplease · 19/01/2015 11:42

Sometimes it's such a pain to police and I feel like I'm making up rules for the sake of it.

wonderingsoul · 19/01/2015 11:45

I think it's quite rude to bring devices over to a friends, unless it's been planned.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2015 11:51

I'm not sure how not wanting my DC to turn into slack-jawed zombies for hours at a time

A tad over the top, no?

I think if your friends are happy that the children have their devices on visits, that's fine for the car, but that's where they're left. Walking in to someone's house without a greeting is beyond rude.

Maybe meet them out not at home?

ChippingInLatteLover · 19/01/2015 11:54

I don't understand why you dragged your 4 yo away and created a scene tbh. Why not just leave them be when they were happy?

You invited your friends for lunch for all of the adults benefit, not the children's.

The children weren't arguing or fighting etc.

If your children are bored with the screens then it's their house, they can play with their toys as if the others weren't there. The others were not 'imposing' on your children, they were minding their own business.

The other children are made to visit, as long as they're not being naughty, it's really none if your business how they amuse themselves nor is it your children's right to be played with.

I get that you want this idyllic 'adults chat, children all play together, jolly good fun' scenario, but you can't force it. Yes, it used to be the case, but children grow, develop their own personalities and friendships.

Your children's screen time is quite limited, but that's your right as their parent. Your friend wasn't rude, she made a reasonable comment to you, I have no idea why you were 'aghast'.

chillybits · 19/01/2015 12:04

I think its rude and am strict on no devices when visiting as a family or when we have guests, unless the visit/guest has pretty much nothing to do with the children. So no devices at Grandparents, when friends come for lunch or to stay etc but when friends come without their children then our kids need to be polite, have a conversation about school or whatever and then are free to do what they want including ipods etc.

However, I also think good manners goes both ways and creating a situation with your 4 year old seems an OTT reaction. Children can learn that other families have other rules, sometimes you'll go along with them to be kind and also to show your children you aren't rigid and inflexible.

PeaStalks · 19/01/2015 12:18

This is very tricky. Mine are teenagers and never had a gadget so young, when they did they were strictly limited. I don't impose limits now except in the sense of good manners.
They would never bring a phone or iPad to the table, never use one in a restaurant and most definitely not when visiting someone.
It is rude to use gadgets of any kind (including tv ) when you have guests or when you are out.

You are never going to agree with your friend and this will get much worse as the DC get older. Soon there will be the dilemma of age appropriate gaming Wink.

While the DC may have grown up together because of your friendship with the mum, there comes a time when they don't necessarily have to be friends.
If you want to stay friends with these people you need to meet up without children.

OddFodd · 19/01/2015 12:30

ChippingIn - because the OP doesn't want her 4 year old to be a slack-jawed zombie!

You do sound very down on electronic games OP - there's nothing intrinsically better about playing a board game on a table than taking turns playing a game on a screen. Except for it being something that the Famous Five are more likely to do.

ChippingInLatteLover · 19/01/2015 12:32

I don't think it's necessary for the OP to meet up without the children, but just accept that the visiting children don't want to play with her children. Their kids are happy on their devices, her children are at home so can carry on as normal. If 'age restriction' games become as issue then the visiting DC can be allocated a room to play those games in, and the ops children can stay out of the room.

Just to clarify, my 'default' is NOT taking 'screens'. However, if the children are being forced to go along when they really don't want to, then I think some leeway should be allowed. I would encourage them to play with the ops children, or take a book, colouring etc if I knew the hits was very anti screen, but at the end of the day, if I'm choosing to do something for my benefit/pleasure which they really don't want to do, I think it's a bit mean not to allow them to amuse themselves in their way of choice whilst enduring it. There are certain situations where they'd be forced to endure it too though, even if they didn't enjoy it (visiting grandparents etc).