About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

[Fanfeckintastic]

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

My mum was a martyr mum who made snarky comments about women who stayed out late when they had DCs. We have a 'difficult' relationship now.

Your relationship is the way it is because your mother is snarky, not because she chose not to leave her baby/ies with other people.

I have an inkling that some of the posters who find the notion of leaving their child with their father for two days so inconceivable, are sadly probably the same that complain on the relationship section about their DHs being utterly useless.

In which case I can understand why it would be so difficult for you to leave your child with someone who hasn't the ability or point blank refuses to provide adequate care.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have partners who are more that capable, which doesn't make the decision to have a day or two to yourself quite so unbearable.

Fanfeckintastic- thanks for making me laugh!

Nobody cares about whether mothers choose not to leave their babies. They care about them being judgemental about people who do.

All this fourth trimester claptrap and 'you obviously didn't bond as well as I did' is the stuff that is putting people's backs up.

No problem bigblue, seems like you really need a good laugh

Why is the term martyr being thrown about?

Doesn't that imply that the mothers who wouldn't leave their babies are sacrificing something they really want to do, or are suffering in some way because they choose to keep their baby with them?

The term kind of implies that the mothers stay with the baby because they feel like they have, as though it's a sense of duty when really they'd rather be somewhere else??

I don't think any of the mothers who wouldn't leave their babies feel that way and I doubt they feel that missing out on social events is a sacrifice they must endure.

My guess is the mothers actually want to be with their baby as opposed to being anywhere else. That isn't martyrdom.

Not sure if that comment was directed at mefantastic* but nope my dh is an absolute amazing father (and husband) some girls just get all the luck

Totally agree writer i enjoy being at home and happen to love motherhood and don't ever feel i need a break from it particularly,however there are plenty of other things i don't enjoy,that others do. Each to their own

writer I used that term because although they may want to be with their babies all the time others don't - yet they expect mums to do the same, expecting them sacrifice their wants and needs (effectively becoming martyr)

That's the problem squoosh no-one can actually give a substantial reason

AndyWarholesOrange, I found your post very moving and enlightening. Particularly this part:

It was only when I begn to get some time away from him, to meet friends or go to the gym (in other words to get a bit of myself back) that I really fell in love with him. I missed him so much when he wasn't with me and the beams I got when I came home made my heart melt.

I remember getting those beams from my daughter when I started to leave her for lie ins / going back to work etc. Lovely.

OP, despite my previous confusion at why someone would want to leave their baby that young, I do actually think your friends are being unreasonable to judge / bitch about your other friend. Have they not even tried to understand her point of view before jumping to firm conclusions about her situation? Seems mean and unfriendlike.

I flew 2 continents away for 6 days when my youngest was 10 months old. Looking back I can't believe I did that to a baby but, at the time, it felt fine bloody brilliant.

bitof - my DS is 10m old next week and the idea of 6 days away sounds quite heavenly. I'd miss the bones of him but I would relish the lie-ins, the personal time, the quiet and the freedom of responsibility

As a PP mentioned m, it's intriguing to question what age it is considered ok to leave a baby....

I also think the retrospect opinion I have is due to nostalgia about my last baby.

I'll take your word for that ispent

I think for me "control" has a little bit to do with it. I found the early weeks and months quite anxious so to supervise,implement a strict routine,read everything and anything to do with babies and be ready with that knowledge was the best thing for me. If i had "been away" i wouldn't have been there doing this and if something then went wrong i would have been guilt ridden. However,it also felt * the right thing to do*very difficult admittedly to completely articulate but just a sense of mothers instinct and the fact that i seemed to understand what each cry,sound,look meant almost instinctively even in those early days. Yes,my life was fraught,but i honestly wouldn't have had it any other way. Our bond is incredible btw but i dont attribute it to that but every little "insignificant" decision i have made.

i seemed to understand what each cry,sound,look meant almost instinctively even in those early days

Would you say more so than your husband? Just curious

I think in the first few months mothers do have a bond with the baby that's on a different level compared to the bond between the father and the baby.

Surely you can only be sure of your own experience writer

If you have a closer bond with your baby than your partner does that perfectly okay, but you can't speak for women in general I'm afraid.

Absolutely fan but equally he is quite laid back about certain things which i am unable to be....temp of room,attire for bed,washing bottles thoroughly( yes,i am aware i probably sound insane)

That's a good point and I'm happy to stand corrected In my experience I certainly feel that I had a much deeper and stronger bond to DS than DH did.

Was what its worth my daughter is glowing with health

No I don't think you do sound insane at all but I'm the complete opposite and that's perfectly okay too. That's the point of this whole thread, people parent differently and it's really unfair to judge someone who parents differently to you!

For* sorry for typos,on my phone

ispent - I sometimes look at the outfit that DH has dressed DS in and I really have to bite my tongue