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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:

Greylilypad · 16/01/2015 20:44

Am genuinely surprised at all the judgement. I'm going away for a night to a spa in a few weeks leaving behind my 9 month old (who is breastfed) and my 4 year old. It never even crossed my mind that there would be people who would judge me for this! (Or is 9 months old enough to not be judged!!??) I am not the only one of the group leaving behind a baby either. No one has batted an eyelid in my group of friends. And it certainly never crossed my mind that I should be questioning whether I have bonded well or not with my little dd who I am besotted with. All I can think about is how much I am looking forward to a lovely few glasses of wine, long uninterrupted chats with great friends and more than 2 or 3 hours consecutive sleep for the first time in quite a long time!

GraysAnalogy · 16/01/2015 21:13

My mum never let anyone watch me until I was about 2. Fair enough that was her decision and good for her

My auntie had hers babysat once a weekend a month since they were about 5months. And the same applies, fair enough her decision good for her.

Both my mum and my auntie are fantastic mothers. There's no extra bond between me and my mum.

People here are passing judgement because they have this innate feeling of it's wrongness and the fact that having this feeling cannot be backed up by any sort of reasoning just shows how it's a silly judgement to make.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/01/2015 21:36

My sister first spent a night away from her first baby when he was 6 weeks old and sent him to MIL for a sleepover. Her reason was that she was desperate for some sleep

My DS is coming up 10 months and over the last few weeks I've been thinking about sending him to my parents one night for a sleepover but I still feel it's a way off.

One of my favourite times of the day of when I go into his nursery in the morning to get him up and he's standing in his cot, stretching his arms out to be picked up and he always has the biggest smile on his face. I'm not ready to miss out on that yet, lol

AndyWarholsOrange · 16/01/2015 21:40

There's a huge difference between saying 'I couldn't do something but it's absolutely the right thing for someone else to do' and ' I couldn't do something therefore anyone who does things differently to me is wrong.'
There's so much shit talked about bonding: I didn't bond with DD until she was about a year old for various reasons including PND. She's 12 now and we really couldn't be closer.
When I was a student nurse on my midwifery placement, I worked with a mother who went into complete liver failure after her baby was born and didn't get to even touch him until he was nearly 3 months old. He must be in his early 20's now and I often see him walking around arm in arm with his mum.The closeness they have is really striking.
The whole 'wild horses wouldn't have kept me from my baybees' implies that anyone who feels differently isn't a 'real' mother.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 21:55

That's crap.

The stories about early difficulties and forced separations are heartwarming, but that's not point. If we were in those circumstances then none of us would have a choice. While these outcomes sound good I can't imagine you are suggesting these separations are ideal.

We do however have a choice when we leave our babies for a "weekend of debauchery".

GraysAnalogy · 16/01/2015 22:06

I think the point of the matter is the baby will not suffer at all, like people are trying to suggest with all this bonding and fourth trimester malarky.

Why do people keep picking up on 'weekend of debauchery'. It's just a saying for going out and getting pissed. Or are mums supposed to stop doing that now they've given birth.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 22:12

I get that , but " not suffering" or coping isn't enough for me.

GraysAnalogy · 16/01/2015 22:17

Kids don't have to be tied to you until they turn 7 for them to get benefit from being around you. You seem to think having them latched to you for all their baby life seems to be the best idea. The baby would be with it's other parent, getting quality time with them - which in itself is beneficial for all.

If I were a father reading this I'd be really fucked off with the amount of people who think mothers are the superior parent and that their babies can't possibly go a weekend without them - or if they do there's something wrong with the bond

squoosh · 16/01/2015 22:18

Or 'being perfectly happy in Dad's care for two days'.

bigbluestars · 16/01/2015 22:24

But we are not talking about a 7 year old- we are talking about a 10 week old baby and his primary caregiver. No-one is saying that a mother is the "superior" parent, but will usually be the person that a baby is most closely attached to at 10 weeks.

feelingunsupported · 16/01/2015 22:29

This thread has brought out some of the nastiest, most self righteous posts I've ever read.

My bitch of a sister in law commented on how it was a shame I couldn't bond properly with ds as he was in nicu. I've barely spoken to her since and she's got nothing on some of you judgemental posters.

Vile behaviour and 'judginess'

GraysAnalogy · 16/01/2015 22:32

You missed my point completely I know we're not talking about a 7 year old

As long as that baby is being fed, cuddled and changed there will be absolutely nothing wrong with him/her being away from the 'primary caregiver' for a spell. And they don't exactly have a concept of time or thought process to think 'oh no mummys gone for a whole two days'. 2 hours =/ 2 days to a baby, they haven't a clue.

What exactly is it that you're worried of, can you even say?

What people on here are doing are projecting their own dislike of being away from their babies and because of this are trying to suggest that they're either better mums for not doing so or throwing in buzz words like attachment and bonding as though either of those will be affected.

LillyGrinter · 16/01/2015 23:40

Wasn't away from my DD at all for the first six months but certainly wasn't ' bonded' with her. I sometimes feel I must be lacking maternal instincts as the few months I was just meeting her physical needs and if someone had come along and done exactly the same things, she would have been ok. Even when they start smiling they'll do it for anyone. Older babies, toddlers and pre schoolers need primary caregivers far more I think.

LillyGrinter · 16/01/2015 23:49

Actually my friend a year old baby last January and they have a beautiful bond now so how does that fit in with the attachment theory?

Chunderella · 17/01/2015 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snapespotions · 17/01/2015 08:48

I don't understand the "secretly judge" comments. What is there to judge? .

There is no way that I'd have left my baby at that stage, primarily because she was exclusively breastfed, but also because I'd have been too anxious about it. However, I get that we aren't all the same, and if this mum felt ok about going away, then I can't see the issue. It's not as if the baby wouldn't be perfectly well looked after, so surely it's just a matter of personal preference.

zeezeek · 17/01/2015 11:20

I find all this talk about women being the "primary caregiver" complete bollocks and really insulting to fantastic Dads - like my DH, who, technically has been the "primary caregiver" for most of our DDs lives as I needed to go back to work quickly and he was semi-retired. We've both left the kids for up to 2 weeks when they were babies - either separately or together and last year I left them both for 3 months. As long as they are fed, cuddled and safe small babies don't really care who looks after them and if children grow up thinking that being away from mum and dad sometimes is perfectly normal - then it's ok.

My mother never left my brother and I - she was the perfect martyr mum who gave up on a good career to look after her children all the time - until we were old enough to be shipped off to boarding school so she could go back to work - though she then continued to be martyr mum by complaining to all and sundry about how much money they had to sacrifice for our education!

I aim to not have the fucked up relationship with my own DDs that I have with my own mother and if that means I sometimes prioritise my career over being there all day every day for them, then so be it.

mytimewillcome · 17/01/2015 11:53

The term being bandied about 'martyr mum' I think is hugely offensive to anyone who makes the choice to stay with their children as much as possible. It definitely should not be seen as a negative. I've still got my career, albeit part time, but the rest of the time I try to spend as much time as possible with my children. I'm past weekends of debauchery and even before children I probably wouldn't have either so I don't choose to do it. Like the previous poster said it's personal choice. This thread is nowhere close to the 12 day old baby being taken on holiday with its granny. I think the fact that the baby is being left with its father is a good thing.

AndyWarholsOrange · 17/01/2015 12:56

For some women, spending time away from their baby can actually help with bonding. When I had DS, I found being with him 24/7 suffocating and I began to feel resentful which made me feel guilty which made me feel even more depressed- hardly conducive to bonding. It was only when I begn to get some time away from him, to meet friends or go to the gym (in other words to get a bit of myself back) that I really fell in love with him. I missed him so much when he wasn't with me and the beams I got when I came home made my heart melt.
There are so many children who grow up in total misery - with parents that emotionally abuse them or ignore them, never read to them or play with them. Save your sadness and judginness for those children and families, not a baby spending a weekend with their dad.

DurhamDurham · 17/01/2015 15:32

When I went away with my husband and left our baby with my parents I didn't feel in need of a break from her, we had bonded just fine, she was a dream baby so no sleep deprivation to speak of. We just wanted a holiday in the sun and my mum was keen to look after her so it suited all of us. As I mentioned up thread my daughter is 21 now and has suffered no ill effects of being abandoned into the care of her grandparents for a few days.

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 15:48

Never left my dd and she is now 15 months,not sure if/when that will ever change,i assume she will want to move out one day...

i judge

sorry

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 15:50

In fact i don't so much judge,as find it inconceivable for me personally

squoosh · 17/01/2015 15:56

And what exactly is it about a woman leaving her baby in the care of their father for two days do you find so upsetting? Aside from 'I wouldn't do it'.

Try to be specific.

306235388 · 17/01/2015 15:59

I didn't and couldn't have done this but I wouldn't judge - I'd probably only think they were more of a chilled out mother than me and be jealous of that.

Jackieharris · 17/01/2015 16:31

I pity the future DILs of some of the martyr mothers on this thread.

My mum was a martyr mum who made snarky comments about women who stayed out late when they had DCs. We have a 'difficult' relationship now.

There is no evidence that 100% continuous contact in the early months impacts on long term attachment.

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