About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

[Fanfeckintastic]

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

I breastfed dc2 for 9 months. First went out for night out after 2 weeks. Never had the feeling I always had to be with them.

Do people who claim that things are/were totally equal between themselves and their partner not have maternity leave? DH is as close to the children now as I am (they are teenagers) but that certainly wasn't the case when they were couple of months old as I was with my children all day long and doing the night feeds while he just saw them for a couple of hours in the evening.

I had maternity leave of a few weeks with 2 of them with the other dh did lots of night feeds even when breastfeeding for a long time.

I think it is different if you are in a true equal relationship and you know you can 100% rely on your dh.

I also think dh is a 'natural' probably because we never got in to the routine of mum as primary carer due to the first maternity leave situation. I see us as 100% equal and interchangeable. There is no aspects that I think make me better at any baby or childcare just because I am a woman.

creambun2014 I had six months maternity leave and most women in the UK seem to take 12 months nowadays. I think that however "equal" your relationship is the rest of the time this will make a difference to who is the babies primary care giver in their first few months, particularly if you are breastfeeding and your baby won't drink from a bottle (as many don't).

creambun - I assume your baby was having EBM then as well as being BF? Therefore your DC didn't physically 100% need you as he could also receive nourishment from his father.

I was referring to babies who are EBF, never had EBM or formula and their only source of nourishment is the mother so she cannot be parted from the baby - well at least not until the baby's feeds are somewhat predictable and you can pop our for a few hours because you know the baby won't need a BF.

She only had breastmilk for the 9 months and no formula but yes I did express.

I like the breaks and to me dh is 50% their parent so should have 50% of the relationship with them.

I do think that setting this kind of pattern in the firsy few months is the reason behind mothers of older children losing their pre baby friends, having no social life outside their children and losing their career opportunities as they end up doing it all.

marynary - I agree. I don't see how in the early months of DS's life, and even now to some degree, my DH can 'know' our DS in the same way I do. For the last 10 months I have barely been away from DS yet for 5 days a week, because he is at work, DH sees our DS for maybe two hours a day.

Obviously this can't be helped but it must affect things. My DS and DH have so much fun together, DS adores his dad, but at the same time if DS is ever hurt or upset it's me he comes looking for. My DH will try and comfort DS but it's not him that DS wants.

Because I took a long maternity leave and childcare was probably 90% more my domain then I do believe that the DS sees me as a 'safe and secure constant' as opposed to how he views my DH.

creambun ".... as they end up doing it all."

I definitely agree with this!! I start back at work next week and I'm looking forward to things becoming more balanced between DH and I in terms of childcare.

That is fair enough but it is by no means that same for all couples.

Dh can pick outfits, cook, clean, do night feeds, take all 3 little ones out anywhere just as good as any mother. The children equally shout for dad as they do mum. It is all socialisation to me.

creambun2014 It is debatable whether people are "setting a pattern" (it didn't in my case) but even if they are they may not have much choice. Not all breastfed babies will drink from a bottle and unless things have changed maternity leave can't be shared in the UK so the mother has to be the one to take it and inevitably this means that they are the primary care giver in the first few months of their babies life.

chunderella "r. A couple of times when she was little, a grandparent cared for her overnight in a different room of the same house so we could rest, but we've never both been in a different building to her overnight"

My DH mentioned to FIL yesterday and how he could have DS for a sleepover soon now he's sleeping through the night (aged 10m) and although I nodded along I was having palpitations inside, lol. Sometimes I think I could leave him with someone overnight so I could have a rest or so DH and I could go out but I think in reality I wouldn't be able to do it.

We have never owned a cot and have co slept with all of them until they were old enough for a bed. I suppose we are a bit of everything in approach.

It's a lot more complicated than simply leaving your baby, I think.
I read something interesting recently about how it was always adaptive for mothers to share care and sole maternal care is a very recent evolution. However, shared care was always carried out by those with kin ties, so related as much as anything to developing and maintaining social group cohesion, so, say, you have group breastfeeding and the idea of 'milk mothers' in a variety of traditional societies, Now it's not quite as straightforward.

I think possibly on a primitive level we don't want to leave our babies with people we don't feel are heavily invested in and attached to them. There are good reasons for this, babies probably always have been less safe with people who are not attached to them. So, if you are someone with a strong support network who regularly handle and mind your baby and have a strong attachment to them, going away for a weekend is not really a big deal. It would have been unthinkable for me with my first as dh wasn't that confident about baby care and both our families were abroad. Now, I have moved and we have family we have seen every week since ds3 was a tiny baby. I skip out the door gleefully without a backwards glance. My sister is not dissimilar with her pfb. On the other hand, a social acquaintance once just arrived at my door with her tiny baby and disappeared for four hours after asking me to mind her while she nipped to the shop. That to me is unusual behaviour and ultimately, she disclosed later she had significant PND.

It's complex... but I don't think not wanting to leave your small baby is mummy martyrdom, nor do I think wanting to is selfish or problematic where you are confident that they'll get good care in your absence.

In 2 months time men can take it from 2 weeks marynary and mothers can return to work. I think this is brilliant news and am surprised it has taken this long to come in.

And I breastfed all three, so wanting to stay/feeling free to leave was nothing to do with that.

In 2 months time men can take it from 2 weeks marynary and mothers can return to work. I think this is brilliant news and am surprised it has taken this long to come in.

Yes it certainly is very good news.

Is that feeling permanently ingrained in BF mothers?

Not in my experience!! My friends who ebf where the ones who were most eager desperate to go back to work and "relinquish childcare to others", probably because they've not been able to physically get away (as you say having to actually be there every single time baby is fed). Two of my friends who ff more or less from birth found putting their babies into nursery incredibly tough.
Each to their own but I have and still do find time away absolutely essential. When ds was little it gave me some of myself back, I went to a gig when ds was about 8 weeks (first time away) for a couple of hours and left him over night at 4 months. Now ds is one I'd happily leave him for a weekend. He was mix fed so I did have the opportunity to get out. Oh is every bit as capable of looking after him as I am.

Shared parental leave can start at 2 weeks?

I couldn't even be in a separate room to my baby at that age let alone at work

I do know one woman who returned to work when her baby was 17 days old - fair play if that's what she wanted to do.

I know one couple who have shared parental leave in that the mother took the first 6 months do she could EBF and then the father took over for three months so the mother could go back to work. It sounded like a set-up that worked really well for them!!

I did intend to have twelve months but I'm now going back next week when he's 10m because as much as I love spending time with DS I'm ready now to branch out to being me again and not just his mom

so what of the theory that women are paid maternity leave so that they don't have to leave their young babies to go out to work, but it is okay to go on holiday without them

Not everyone bfs and that's ok.

Not everyone worries about leaving small babies with their fathers and that's ok.

Reckon these 'friends' need a job or hobby to keep them busy.

So when you work you don't have weekends or holidays? Wtaf?

Dh and I have shared a lot. The one thing he can still not do is pick normal outfits for the girls.

Choclover - that isn't the reason for maternity leave? It definitely won't be from april as dads and mums will be completely interchangeable.