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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friends judgeyness at other friend "leaving baby"

312 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/01/2015 18:28

There's a group of us organizing a weekend trip away for some time, most of us have children and can't wait to escape for a weekend of debauchery Grin
One of the group (all female) has a new baby who will be two and a half months when we go and I just can't believe the attitudes the others seem to have about her leaving the baby with her very capable partner for the weekend!

She's coping brilliantly, better than I did! And two of the girls raising their eyebrows about it the most, partners went to Ibiza for a week when their babies were about same same age so I really can't comprehend their judgeyness!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 17/01/2015 18:41

Was what its worth my daughter is glowing with health

Well now you do sound slightly strange Hmm can you elaborate?

OP posts:
Summergarden · 17/01/2015 18:48

Good for her, the break will do her good and make her an even better mum. Hate judgments against other mums like this. Of course, it would be different if baby was being dumped on a 15 year old babysitter but it's own father is more than adequate childcare.

Also I don't see how doing this is any worse/different from putting a baby in a nursery for a whole day if a mum returns to work a few months later, I bet some of the judge mums who mentioned it to you wouldn't hesitate to do that.

nooka · 17/01/2015 19:34

I wouldn't have been able to be away from either of my two at that age as I never managed to express so would not have been able to be away from more than a few hours. I used to go out regularly with my anti-natal group for a good meal, a few drinks and NO conversations about children (about as close to debauchery as we were likely to get!) and we were all totally impressed with one woman who came out with us when her baby was only a few weeks old. Her dh was perfectly happy being in charge of her toddler and newborn for the night and she'd expressed enough milk for it to work. Fantastic!

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 19:42

Haha! writer have we married the same man?!

I am always appalled by dh's outfit choices but then by the end of the day it's grown on meGrin

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 19:51

So fan,you believe that the bond between father and baby is equal to mother and baby generally speaking?

creambun2014 · 17/01/2015 20:02

She would hate me then. In the last few months since my youngest dc has been born I have been on all night stop overs at hotels and out various times. I often go out for lunch, to a club or a hotel and dh does all the childcare. I don't see the problem at all.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 17/01/2015 20:02

I feel like my bond with DD is as strong as OH's bond with her.

creambun2014 · 17/01/2015 20:06

I think dh has same bond as me well. I find it bizarre that some people don't think men can have the same bond.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/01/2015 20:15

Now that DS is 10m I absolutely definitely know that he and his father have just a good a bond as DS and I do. DS absolutely adores his dad!!

But when he was born and for the first few months of his life the bond DS and I had was stronger than the bond that DH had.

DH obviously loved DS but he didn't have the intense protective love for him that I did. I physically couldn't be away from DS because I needed him near me, I needed to know where he was and that he was safe. He felt like the absolute most precious thing to me in the world and I couldn't and wouldn't
be separated from him.

My DH on the other hand had no problems being away from the baby, especially if there was a football match that he wanted to watch Smile

creambun2014 · 17/01/2015 20:18

I have never experienced that with any of our children. I love them and am very child orientated, but to me dh and I are completely equal. I think for us we parent better when we have breaks with our friends.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/01/2015 20:23

Now that DS is older I have my very much needed time out from him. When the weekends come and my DH is off work he takes on the majority of the childcare so I can have a break and see some of my friends etc. It took me a long time though until I felt comfortable enough to do this. DS is 10m/o and the longest I have been away from him is about eight hours. I didn't start having time away from DS until he was about 7 months old and it felt very, very strange.

CombineBananaFister · 17/01/2015 20:28

tbh, I wouldn't judge but I would be thinking Hmm she's okay about leaving the little one so young? simply because I did not feel the same way so can't comprehend it, but that's probably a reflection on me.. think it's horrible 'friends' are being judgey though, think that's a bit arsehole-ish.
Good for her if she feels confident to go away, am slightly Envy maybe she's got a healthy take on life

creambun2014 · 17/01/2015 20:36

I honestly don't think we have a primary caregiver in this house. We do even overall and that was right from birth. I think you can have multiple equal attachments.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 17/01/2015 21:55

I think that depends on the man ispent. In my partners case absolutely as well as a select few of my male friends/friends partners.

You have said "some girls get all the luck" referring to your husband being an amazing father, yet you go on to say that you attribute your child's glowing health down to your "control" as you put it. If that were my situation then I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child either.

Each family dynamic is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 17/01/2015 22:26

And I'm not for one minute saying father's who don't have such a strong bond with their children are bad father's, I'm friends with a lovely couple and the father takes a bit of a back seat with the parenting end of things and the wife would readily admit she wouldn't be able to leave him for a night as she would worry about the little things he would forget. He is still a hard working, supportive, lovely husband and father. Perhaps not the kind of man I would personally want but if we all liked the same things life would be very boring.

OP posts:
ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 22:26

My dh is absolutely amazing at caring for my dd,but i believe that with a father it is more of a learned behaviour rather than an instinctive one. I grew my baby for 43 (yes 43) long weeks,laboured for four days,fed that baby from my own body and my body physically reacted to my babies cries of hunger,surely that bond is unique?? And i am saying this as a woman who believes her husband to be one of the best fathers in the world.

i know all my friends and family feel the same so it is genuinely alien to me that so many people don't feel this way!

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 22:29

Think we x posted there!

both our husbands sound great i think Grin

ispentitwithyou · 17/01/2015 22:31

Just reiterating i am talking about the early weeks after baby is born not in general

RonaldMcDonald · 17/01/2015 22:36

I did this for a hen weekend. it was a ball ache re expressing enough milk prior to trip for the baby and then during - to stop death breasts
I wouldn't bother

creambun2014 · 18/01/2015 03:45

I left all our children alone with after a couple of days whilst I nipped out. He also was doing alternate all night feeds and it was exactly the same for him as me. Dh is a sahd and has always done all of it from the start.

He is better with babies and children than a lot of new mothers and always has been.

bitofanoddone · 18/01/2015 04:31

This thread is so irritating. I'm reading a lot of 'I am the most amazing mother because I couldn't bear to be separated from my child for a . You, the one that didn't combust from guilt and anxiety when you stepped outside the door, are '.
I have ironed my judgy pants and I am putting them on. Those of you who think that all women must just stay home with the babeez are going to get a very long, hard stare.

JapaneseMargaret · 18/01/2015 04:53

DC1 turns 6 in 2 weeks and DH and I are about to have our first night (single night) child-free.

In all honesty, I almost certainly couldn't have left either DC for the first year, not least because I was breastfeeding, but even I think your friends are being completely and unnecessarily horrible.

What is it with people thinking other people's choices are somehow either a reflection on them, or worse, an opportunity for people to bang on about how much more amazing they are...?

Chunderella · 18/01/2015 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creambun2014 · 18/01/2015 09:34

I can understand women not wanting to go out if their dhs can't even dress their children appropriately, wash bottles correctly or any other very simple aspects of parenting.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/01/2015 09:39

I'm genuinely interested to see if the women who said they couldn't leave their babies were breast feeding them? I don't mean that in the sense of that's why they physically couldn't leave them, because they feel in a nurturing and comforting sense the baby needed them in a way they didn't need their fathers.

And I wonder if this bond between DC and BF mother (one of dependency, not emotionally) is what makes it so hard for those mothers to relinquish childcare to others (even for short periods or even when no longer BF) because they continue to feel their DCs 'need them' in a way that nobody else can replicate. Is that feeling permanently ingrained in BF mothers?