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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
Tattiesthroughthebree · 14/01/2015 00:09

There is a family history on DH's side of extra toes, and we had decided we'd have them removed if any of the DCs had them, on the advice of DH's aunt who said that extra toes cause problems with shoes. I think she blamed her bad back on walking oddly with extra toes squashed into her shoes.

But nowadays there are gait clinics and physio, so I'm sure you'd have options she didn't have.

In the event none of our DCs had extra digits.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:09

IceBeing calm down that person pointed out that buying shoes for a person with 6 toes would be a struggle they'd face for their whole life and may have to look for specialists (which could be costly). It's not an irrelevant point in the least

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:10

Hmmm so the choice is chop off your childs fingers...or buy them mittens?

Crickey.

Original poster
24digits · 14/01/2015 00:13

Fourarmsv2 This is my first post about this, I've never mentioned it on here before but thanks for highlighting those other threads, I'm going to read over those and see if they offer any insight.

Thank you all so much for your comments it's been incredibly useful and I'll be reading and rereading this thread quite a few times. I've also asked DH to have a look at this thread so it'll be interesting to see which posts he find the most useful. I'm really glad I posted actually, there have been a number of points raised here which I'd never even considered and although I've got more to think about, hopefully it helps weigh the decision one way or another.

DS is 12 weeks old and I hate that this is something we have to consider so early on. I'm not even sure which hand DS will use to write with, let alone if his extra fingers would impact on how he held a pen.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:14

I think it is pretty amazing that we have reached a point in so called society where we want to chop bits of our kids to help them fit in.

Similar to the idea that the solution to rape isn't to ban women from leaving the house or wearing miniskirts, but to tell rapists not to rape, the solution to bullying isn't to homogenize our kids to the point of cutting bits off them, but to tell the bullies not to bully.

If you think your child we be in pain then that is one thing. If you think they will be in danger or greater risk of health complications int he future then that is one thing. Doing it for easier shopping or to avoid bullying is something else entirely.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:14

ice you are being factious and unnecessary. It's not as simple as "chopping off fingers" or buying mittens. What 30 year old women do you see wearing mittens? But it's part of my considerstion along with guidance from the surgeon,

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:15

BTW OP I am responding to other posters and not you - I know you didn't say anything about ease of shopping etc...

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:15

I am 36 and wear mittens!

Why the fuck not?

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:15

How on earth can you bring rape into this?? And who is chopping their kids up? Now you are just being offensive.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:17

"Why the fuck not". That's a charming way to talk. But given that you don't have a child in this position then maybe it's an idea not to be so offensive. None of us put our kids through surgery for shits and giggles.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:19

I am feel very strongly about bodily autonomy being a basic human right. I don't think anyone has the right to come and remove a functioning part of my body without my consent. I don't think that just because children are children this shouldn't apply to them too.

Obviously in the case of medical need, parents have to make a decision on behalf of their child. But in cases of cosmetics I cannot see any justification for irreversibly modifying another human beings body without their consent.

ChippingInLatteLover · 14/01/2015 00:20

It's a very difficult decision. I'd be very torn. I think it would be very difficult to give the doctors permission to do surgery on a healthy baby, it's 'only' functioning extra digits, not a medical problem. Your instinct is to protect them.

However, I think it will impact on his ability to do certain things as an older child/adult and I think I would feel that I had to be brave now and let them do it while he's small and will heal more quickly etc

My decision would be based on his ability to 'do' things rather than bullying.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:21

The solution to rape is to stop rapists. The solution to bullying is to stop bullies.

I am drawing the analogy because if someone on MN suggests that women should change their behaviour to avoid rape then people are all over it immediately pointing out the fallacy of the argument.

Yet this thread is packed full of people saying you should change your child to appease potential bullies.

It is wrong. I hoped drawing the analogy would make that more obvious.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:22

And that's great you don't need to make that decision. I do and I will do what's best even if it is for basic cosmetic reasons. But don't me rude about the language you use. I'm dreading my darling baby being operated on but as her mother I have to make the decisions on her behalf for the long term benefit of her life.

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:22

Op - talk to.your surgeon about the pros and cons of surgery vs no surgery. S/he will want you to make an informed decision and there are many factors to be taken into account. In the end it is you and your dc who have to live the choice.

Disclaimer: I have recently have significant body changing surgery as a result of a medical condition, designed to restore me to something resembling 'normal'. I would never have entertained the idea of surgery in other circumstances but I'm very happy with the outcome. My advise to you is influenced by this experience.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:22

FWIW OP I spent my childhood with a large mole inbetween my eyebrows. My mum had (understandably) reservations about removing it - she thought I was perfect and that children couldn't be so cruel as to pick on me. But they did and I had it removed at 13 after begging her. I got nicknames, people staring (including adults), constant questions and lots of sympathetic looks. As much as I now, as an adult, realise the bigger picture that looks don't matter, it doesn't change the fact that a child has to live through the reality - that is, people are cruel and kids bully and life can be sheer hell. It's not right but it's the way it is.

It still affects me now - another mole has grown above my eyebrow and it's quite bulbous. It's all I see when I look in the mirror and I had a fringe cut in today to cover it until I move up the waiting list for getting it removed.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:23

Your comparison is rubbish and totally irrelevant.

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:24

Advice - it's late....and I need to go to bed

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:26

nick and you know I am not in this position because? Oh you don't do you.

Why is it rubbish? Do you think people should have to try and change to appease bullies then? Or do you think women shouldn't be allowed out in high heels?

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:27

nick not sure who you are directing that to but I would say that is harsh....no.need really

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:28

But in cases of cosmetics I cannot see any justification for irreversibly modifying another human beings body without their consent.

But babies can't consent and I really don't think he would wish he'd still have the extra digits - he'll never know any differently

Original poster
24digits · 14/01/2015 00:28

With DS being so small, I'm still not sure how he will use his extra digits or if they grow at the same rate, they are slightly smaller but are the little finger side so don't look out of place.

Thank you to the pp who mentioned the reach charity, I'm going to ring them in the morning. I would like to meet someone else who has extra digits to talk about their experiences.

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:29

Your comparison is rubbish and totally irrelevant.

is this aimed at my post??

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:29

Oh its to me...don't worry - I can take it. Not only do I have the audacity to call people on the fact it is the bullies that are in the wrong not people who are different from the norm...but I wear mittens....a grown woman...mittens!

NIck will blow a fuse on discovering I have a congenital abnormality myself that I have refused to have corrected because it is me.

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:30

I'm out as I can see this descending into unhelpful posturing.

Good luck op. You can only do your best. The surgeon is your friend - have a good discussion with them.

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