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Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:31

marshy apologies we cross posted. I was referring to the comparison with rape victims. I don't feel that has a place on a discussion with babies having surgery.

ice eh? What does high heels have to do with it? And are you choosing to ignore posters who have made changes to their appearance be used it made life easier (wrong as you may think that is?)?

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 14/01/2015 00:31

I haven't read the whole thread but just thought I'd say that when I was at college there was a boy who had been born missing a finger on his left hand. A bit different I know, because obviously there weren't any options to rectify that.

He was (and still is) really popular, and was definitely in the 'cool' gang. He was good looking and was popular with the girls. No-one made any kind of issue over his missing finger at all.

However he always wore long sleeved tops and pulled them down over his hands so no one could see his fingers, so he was obviously very self conscious of it. And I only met him in his late teens, I've no idea what kind of time he had of it at school.

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:32

chippy again, crossed posts, apologies

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:32

IceBeing whilst I don't agree with your stance I have to say I also wear mittens - I have a few pairs and love them!

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/01/2015 00:33

No worries nick

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:33

chippy no babies cannot consent to cosmetic procedures. What surprises me is that parents are allowed to give consent on behalf of children for cosmetic procedures.

I wonder if the same happens to adults with reduced capacity? That their carers are allowed to give them cosmetic surgery on the basis of the carers aesthetic opinions?

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:33

ice why would I blow a fuse that you have a abnormality? My child has and I'm choosing to have it rectified.

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:34

Accepted nick

Night all

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:34

nick if people make changes to their OWN appearance that is totally and utterly fine.

It is people making changes to OTHER PEOPLES bodies that I can't find ethical.

dixiechick1975 · 14/01/2015 00:35

Hope Reach can help.They have a head office and also a local branch network - they are very helpful in trying to find another mum to speak to. Best Wishes to you and your son whatever you decide.

Fatalatomo · 14/01/2015 00:35

I think it's a very complex decision and will require both thought on how you morally feel and what your told is medically best not just for your child now but how either decision will affect you child in Adulthood.

I used to know a woman with thumb aplasia on both hands(born without a thumb) as a young child (poss baby) her index fingers were turned into thumbs which means in adult hood her hands look like she has a thumb and three fingers. It looks almost like she has no pinkie fingers.

The reason Iv told you about the lady above is because actually it is hardly noticeable at all! I had met her a few times including sitting opposite having a coffee (therefore seeing her pick up cup etc) before I realised and even them it wasn't more than a fleeting notice from me then we carried on with our conversation and I didn't think about or notice it again.

I know your ds situation is different but I think the point I'm making is that it may not be a problem for him in adulthood.

As long as he has the grip and dexterity he needs he may not need the operation.

His feet might need operated on for shoes and walking but I'm sure it's a decision you and the medical team can come to together.

Sorry this was long!

steff13 · 14/01/2015 00:37

I haven't read the full thread; I'm taking a brief break from work, so sorry.

But, I'd do it, and sooner rather than later. I'm sure he's beautiful and amazing and perfect the way he is, but I think his life will be easier if you do it. Doing it while he's little ensures he won't remember it, nor will he miss the extra digits.

Good luck!

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:37

So you wait till they are what, 18? And by that point any potential surgery will have a far bigger impact. Writing, exams, dressing themselves, eating, washing, the list goes on.......

Or you do it when the effect is minimal.

Fluffyears · 14/01/2015 00:38

I would look at getting his toes done before he wants to walk as he's have to re-learn. Although you don't have to remove the digits.

I grew up with a facial disfigurement I was teased constantly and made to feel ugly and different, even now my confidence is shot because of how I was treated. If I could have gas the operation that I evntuslly did when I was younger I would have but I had to stop growing first.

MrsJuice · 14/01/2015 00:39

DH and I just had the discussions.
My impulse would be 'leave him be, poor little thing. He's just a bit different'!
However, DH was born with an extra ear (!) next to his left ear. Nonfunctional, but an actual formed ear.
They removed it immediately and he has a teeny scar.
DD has a skin tag where his third ear was!

DH is glad they did the surgery. He was never aware of the ear.
He also works with a guy with six fingers on each hand. It's no massive hindrance, but always a talking point.

LoverOfBooks · 14/01/2015 00:41

Name change check

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:41

Nick that is all hypothetical. You don't know there will be any effect at all.

What the child will know is that their parents respected them enough as a human being to leave decisions about cosmetics up to them.

Again, this is all totally different if problems, medical or developmental, are predicted. But where it is cosmetic...I don't know how you could later tell you child that they didn't look "right enough" as they were...and you decided to "fix them" in case they got bullied....

How undermining of confidence would that be? Even your parents thought you needed improving.

I am very glad my parents didn't think that about me.

GallicIsCharlie · 14/01/2015 00:41

I say no.

If you think his feet are really too splayed to wear shoes (really??) then consider the toes, but not the fingers. Extra digits are a proper advantage in some professions. I can't think of any where they'd be a hindrance; not even modelling.

Make sure you are the first people to tell him he's got more than most other people, and that it's okay or even cool.

Original poster
24digits · 14/01/2015 00:42

It's interesting that the point has been raised about taking these decisions on behalf of your child. We've been told that any future dc will be far more likely to have extra digits and any children that DS may have, will also be more likely to be polydactyly. It seems unlikely that this is the last time our family will have these discussions.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:42

Though judging by this thread they may be the only ones that don't think I need fixing...

GallicIsCharlie · 14/01/2015 00:43

(Well, maybe glove modelling! I think it's worth giving up that possibility Wink)

LoverOfBooks · 14/01/2015 00:44

Ha, success.
OP, both my daughter and I were born fully polydactyly.
We've both had removal of full digits from both hands and feet. Not sure of the exact skeletal placement of your child's digits but I can say surgery (and recovery) was not as mentioned ie. no plaster up past elbows.
We also both had 2 surgeons, one on feet, one on hands to ensure the time under general was not excessive.
Feel free to PM me Thanks

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:46

And I don't think that of my child at all. I certainly aren't trying to "fix her".

Your post is really insulting to any parent that has chosen to rectify an abnormality. That's great your parents did and you are happy about that. Doesn't make them right and anyone else wrong though. It's a personal choice. And we make decisions every day on behalf of our children.

My daughter doesn't need improving one iota. But she will have the surgery to separate her fingers.

Original poster
24digits · 14/01/2015 00:46

Loverofbooks, just to clarify. This is my first post about this topic and I have name changed but just because it's something which is very identifiable with me-I've shared the age, sex and medical condition of my child.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:47

Sorry I omitted to say my post is in response to ice