To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

First, and very much most importantly, what matters is that any decision you make will be taken with great love.

I agree absolutely with those who say, don't feel rushed to make a decision. Wait a year, carry out what research you can, talk to those with the same condition.

Regarding the fingers, please don't forget that most of us commenting here ( I think! Please forgive me if I've got it wrong) all have 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand, so we don't actually know in our personal, individual experience whether it's harder to learn to write, use cutlery, play a sport, ride a horse, etc with 5 fingers rather than with 4.

Love the little pic of your baby's hand.

All good thoughts to you. OP.

(I would add flowers here but am too stupid to work it out on my bloody Kindle, so please have hugs instead.)

I've been reading this thread over multiple days and ask currently only on page 18 so apologies if this has already been said! R.e. the bullying issue, my memory of school is that a bully targeting someone for 'obvious' reasons would often be shut down by other children. I think many kids have a keen but not very subtle sense of justice, so whilst they might not necessarily leap to the defence of someone being bullied for no obvious reason, they would know, and say, that it was 'not on' for someone to pick on someone else for an obvious physical difference over which they had no control. Does that make any sense?

Hi Elouie, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's good to hear from another mother who has been in the same position. Would you mind me private messaging you for more information please?

As to a conclusion, this thread has done exactly what I had hoped and given us so so much to think about, far more than we may have considered on our own. To us this isn't even something we think about on a daily basis. I'm far more interested in number of hours sleep, the best way to get giggles and how best to get DS rolling on his own (he can already roll off a cushion).

However with so many opinions, DH can take our time and digest these arguments and then consider our own more fully. I think we are quite set that we will remove his toes. I have had a lifetime of knee, hip and ankle pain from bad feet and poorly fitting shoes, I myself will need an operation to straighten my toes. If I can hopefully avoid this long term pain for my son then it's worth doing IMO.

With regard to DS's fingers, at the moment we are no closer to a decision either way but I have phoned the surgeons office today and asked for DS's hospital appointment to be put back further which will give us more time to decide.

I am of a Trade Union background and would hopefully pass on my attitudes and beliefs to our son so that he is always aware of his rights at work. I foresee a future for us in creating latex gloves for 6 fingers, and shall look out for knitters for 6 finger gloves for next winter. FTM question here-do 1 year olds keep gloves on or am I being naive? I'm pleased to see a majority have positive attitudes towards my DS's extra digits, and if you think his fingers are cute you should see his smile-it's incredible!

Thank you all very very much for your comments, videos and contributions. DH and I have really been very grateful.

Hello 24digits, no I don't mind at all. Be patient if I don't get back straight away as I'm not in here all the time, but will keep checking.

You don't put a 1 year old in gloves. Mittens (with long cuff so they can be tucked into the elasticated bit of the sleeve which just may prevent him taking them straight off again) is the way to go til at least age 3 or possibly even 4. Also, attach each mitten to a cord/ bit of elastic that passes through his coat sleeves. That will help endure that if you leave the house with 2 mittens you return with 2.

Lovely post 24

I recommend mittens for next winter and probably a few beyond strictly from practical POV, mine had them as they are a lot quicker to put on.

good luck with everything!

My 2.5yo doesn't keep gloves on and mittens are way easier for years anyway.

Gloves with individual fingers aren't going to be an issue till he's 4 at the earliest. Toddlers are generally still in mittens.

HoVis2001

It's actually a point I have been struggling to articulate to myself for ages. Other children (and schools) find it easier to squash down obviously unfair, predictable bullying over clear-cut issues that are black-and-white like that.

I couldn't keep mittens on either of my boys until they were at least 3! DS1 in particular, his hands nearly froze off while we were walking around Lincoln in the middle of winter but he would not keep mitts on. DS2 is still only 2 but nae chance.

This thread is so long I could only read the start. It sounds like a very weighty decision and I would not know what to do.

Thinking of my own DS and his little hands. I don't think I would get one of his fingers removed in a world were everybody else had 4 digits on each hand. It doesn't seem a good enough reason if his digits are all perfect and functional. But your son may not see it like that when he gets older and is the only one with extra fingers.

It's a hard decision. There is no right or wrong choice. As long as you make sure he knows you know he is perfect he should be okay either way.

I think your baby's hands are beautiful and I'm sure his toes are too. I wouldn't dream of removing them if they are functioning. Teach your kids to be proud of their differences; bullies pick on weakness so they won't get anywhere with your son. My daughter is adopted and is hugely proud of it, and she has never been bullied as a result. Who's to say that he isn't the next stage in evolution and humans won't all have six or more digits on each hand/foot?!

Another apologising for not RTFT! Just haven't the time!
I have three DC, one born with a complete bilateral cleft lip and palate who has had 6 operations to correct it. She is now a teenager. Most ops had a functional and cosmetic rationale. Some purely functional. I know that feeling of 'why does my precious healthy baby need to go under the knife?'

Your attitude to this difference is crucial It is clear from this thread that you observe the difference his extra fingers bring but do not define him by it. Nor are you distressed by their presence. This is the attitude he will pick up.

I do not believe he is doomed to a life of bullying or psychological trauma if you leave the fingers there.

I totally agree with those that say whatever decision you make will be the right one

I have more I could say but this thread is full enough already. op you are welcome to PM me if it would help, but I expect you are too busy making your lovely baby giggle and catching up on naps!

That's 3 full Polydactyly children on one thread, you've brought everyone together OP

I think:

Your baby's hand is cute, pudgy and adorable.

Your baby is utterly perfect - as all babies are - and you love him madly no matter what.

The most important thing is he's loved and cherished and nurtured unconditionally...

But I would still remove the extra digits on his hands and feet (though totally appreciate how upsetting and nerve wracking surgery will be ).

It's all very well saying it's a sad world where we think kids will be bullied for being different - well if not bullied they are teased mercilessly over pretty much everything and anything especially as secondary school and it takes an extremely strong personality not to be affected by it.

It makes me wonder if the majority of people saying leave the extra digits don't have older children and experience of school?

For all the responses from posters' kids saying 'wow cool I wish I had extra fingers' there will be many more who react badly and say hurtful knee jerk things.

For me personally, I'd try to manage and remove anything that puts obstacles in their way - if it's possible to do so. In a situation where nothing can be done - completely different obviously.

All that said, I can see the other side too and if we could all wave a magic wand where differences (and disabilities) don't matter, we'd all do it.

I am of a Trade Union background and would hopefully pass on my attitudes and beliefs to our son so that he is always aware of his rights at work. I foresee a future for us in creating latex gloves for 6 fingers, and shall look out for knitters for 6 finger gloves for next winter. FTM question here-do 1 year olds keep gloves on or am I being naive? I'm pleased to see a majority have positive attitudes towards my DS's extra digits, and if you think his fingers are cute you should see his smile-it's incredible!

You sound like an incredibly wonderful person and your ds is so lucky to have you for his mother. Threads like this give me hope for humanity.

And shame on the people who think that the inconvenience of finding gloves to fit is a good reason to change your baby's beautiful hands. SO many people live fulfilling lives even though it is harder/more inconvenient for them to find clothes/shoes/accessories which most people simply buy off the shelf. Stephen Hawking is a successful scientist even though he has to get so many things specially made just so he can function - how stupid and limiting to think a baby will not grow up to be a scientist just because the normal standard-size gloves won't fit.

I saw a child at a piano recital the other day who has only one hand!!! His teacher just finds suitable pieces for him to play and he has fun with it! He was whimsical and musical and obviously enjoys the piano much more than many unmusical children plodding away joylessly with their two perfectly formed hands.

OP mittens all the way in the early years. It is physically very difficult to get gloves onto a one year old, and as others say they never stay on anyway.

My 6 year old prefers mittens still, though he is probably in the minority now.

Do it, they will not even remember it when they grow up and children can be vile at school if you are even slightly different!

When I was at school if you had red hair or wore glasses you were ripped apart, 6 fingers and toes, why put them through it. Lots of ideological comments here which are fine but not very realistic!

Hello 24Digits - what did you decide in the end?

You can shove extra fingers into gloves (my kids do it with only 5 options). As for babies & tots, we used baby socks. Perfect.

Sorry I tried to read carefully I know this must have been asked: If the fingers & toes are useable, fully joined up & working, I would leave the fingers & see how it goes with the toes (my kids already have very wide feet, special shoes could be a huge pain).

I met a lady whose toddler on had an extra finger. She was proud of it and saw it as a blessing. It was hanging by barely more than skin & totally unusable, a hazard as soon as it got caught on something it would get ripped off & bleed like fury. I'd have had it off in a heartbeat.

I've only just seen this.

I wouldn't touch a thing on such a perfect little body - he's made that way, who are we to decide it isn't right?

I wouldn't do it at all.

Hope you are doing Ok, OP.

GRRRRRRrrrrr Z O M B I E