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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 13/01/2015 23:28

Ps. I was at school with a girl whose fingers ended at the knuckle, so shorter than normal with no nail. Her toes were the same. I didn't notice until she pointed it out to me herself when we were nine.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 13/01/2015 23:28

I would do it. It may be something that, later in life, he wishes you'd done.

Kirk1 · 13/01/2015 23:28

I would leave them. Major surgery on a baby it always more risky and if they are functioning fingers and toes why take the risk? I understand the fear of possible bullying, but would you keep his head shaved if he was born with red hair? Maybe dye him a different colour so he fits in better with the racial majority? Unless the extra digits are non-functional I think you would be happier leaving them.

Pico2 · 13/01/2015 23:30

What are the doctor's reasons for having it done before 2?

Is it entirely obvious which the additional fingers and toes are? I ask because a friend's DD had an extra toe removed and my friend was never convinced that it was the right toe to have removed.

I'd look for opinions of people with similar experiences, both from the parent and child perspective.

Fourarmsv2 · 13/01/2015 23:31

I have a friend with a DD with polydactyly - I'll point her to this thread tomorrow.

IMeanReally · 13/01/2015 23:33

I have a life long (very visible) physical disability. It's a part of who I am and I was taught to accept it and love myself as I am for who I am. So I lean towards saying keep them or at least the fingers - it's part of what makes him who he is.
As a disabled person I feel uncomfortable with the idea of removing them just to make him fit in and prevent possible bullying. If he doesn't get bullied about his hands, chances are he'll be bullied about something else or at least teased. Most kids are at some point in life.

I'd strongly suggest talking to both kids and adults who have extra digits (and if possible those who both had them removed and those who haven't) - in the case of "should I or shouldn't I" medical treatment questions I've found lived experience is often a more useful form of advice than that of the medics who know the text book but not the reality

imjustahead · 13/01/2015 23:33

how much information have you been given about the operations op.
how do they decide which digits to remove and in doing so will he have good dexterity?

Fourarmsv2 · 13/01/2015 23:33

She's posted a few times about it before:

www.mumsnet.com/SearchArch?search_origin=mobile&mustmatch=Toes&dontmatch=&nickname=Cathpot&fromDate=&toDate=

TheIronGnome · 13/01/2015 23:36

I'd remove them. In the future, you will not give them a second though. If you leave them you could end up having them dominate your life.

It's not fair to put him in a position of being a target for bullies- not when its so easily fixed.

ASAS · 13/01/2015 23:37

When you say he was born earlier this year do you mean he's a teeny tiny 2 week old? If so congratulations!

I know 2 wee boys both born with little cosmetic quirks, of no long term consequence. One little boy had an op at 10 months as it was advised it's more bearable on children to have a hospital stay whilst under 2. His parents were also asked if they were related btw. The other little boy had on going treatment which finished while he was under 2. Both mums felt guilty as their beautiful boys were healthy. Of course all babies are perfect.

It's up to you what you decide. But it's difficult when the child is healthy the decision is less black and white. I am one of the mums I mention above. I couldn't believe how lucky I was when my DS arrived and felt torn about his 'quirk' but what really tipped the balance for me was that other babies and children could have physically hurt his as his anomaly was prominent and attractive to little hands. My friend felt less so, she said we were lucky our boys had conditions that were so easily resolved. We were both right. Your decision will be right too.

Onepot · 13/01/2015 23:37

I don't know OP its a really tricky one. When my DD was born she had mega deformed ears, one very badly so and the midwife said "oh dear plastics will need to see those " i was gutted she was my first born and i thought she was perfect. Anyway i didnt do anything about it, yes her ears are deformed but her hearing has not been significantly affected,, as yet no bullying issues. She may decide once she reaches secondary school to have the necessary corrective surgery, but as far as i am concerned its her choice.

Sorry this probably doesn't help much.

UniS · 13/01/2015 23:38

Its hard finding shoes with an extra wide toe box. even for 5 toes that are just widely spaced. Its all but impossible to find 6 fingered gloves.

Nicknacky · 13/01/2015 23:39

I understand your hesitation op. My baby has fingers fused together and we have another consultation with the plastic surgeon in March and it did cross my mind to leave them. But long term I felt it wasn't fair on her and the op would be easier in the long run. Whilst superficial reasons like gloves and just sound a weak reason for doing it, it is a valid consideration.

I had a hand impression do done (I also had an identical one for my older daughter) and I like I will have a long term memento of her uniqueness. Would you consider doing that?

Priceypizza · 13/01/2015 23:40

i'd remove them personally.Kids dont want to seem different from their peers and as a baby he wont remember. If you leave them I think you'll regret it (dh was born with an extra digit on both hands)

iwasyoungonce · 13/01/2015 23:48

Although this is really quite different, when I was tiny I had a squint in my right eye (I looked almost cross-eyed). My mum really struggled with the decision to have corrective surgery (under GA) when I was 4. But I am SO glad she decided to do it.

Having said that - I can completely understand why you are struggling with this. You love all of him. All 12 fingers.

FWIW, I don't actually think he would necessarily be bullied for it. I think he could well just have an interesting talking point, that other kids would find "cool". It will depend on how he fits in generally I expect.

But the point I wanted to make is that if you do decide to go ahead with the operation, I don't think it would be something he'd ever hold against you or that you'd ever regret in the long run. I think he'd be glad you did it.

LeSaor · 13/01/2015 23:49

i'd leave, can't imagine removing fully functional digits

dixiechick1975 · 13/01/2015 23:52

What follow up will be needed i.e occupational and physiotherapy. What are the services like locally?

I spent months at OT with DD as a toddler and it was hard. Long drive each way - she would fall asleep at wrong time in car. Then maybe 5 mins concentration and have to try again the next week.

(potty training her added a whole new fun dimension to it!)

Much better when she was a bit older and understood could participate properly.

madamginger · 13/01/2015 23:57

I'd remove the toes just so that it make shoe shopping easier, but i think i would leave the fingers especially as they are functional.
My DH has fused toes on both feet and he hates them, he hardly ever goes bare foot.
Anecdotally the Dr that delivered my DD had 12 fingers.

MissBattleaxe · 13/01/2015 23:59

It must be an awful choice for you and I am sorry for that.

I would say remove them because if you wait until he is older it will be a lot more difficult. It will also be him who has to deal with any flak throughout his life and not you.

I know it must be a conflict between your mother's instinct not to let anyone cut your baby, but think long term and think of it as a very tough favour you did him.

Later in life it could affect writing, scissors, typing, or make him self conscious. I have no experience of this by the way, and I am sure there are other mothers more qualified to comment than I am.

best wishes to you and your son.

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:02

Sorry you feel torn about this. There is no way I would remove functioning digits. I simply wouldn't consider them mine to remove. A child's body surely belongs to the child not to their parents. I cannot imagine making this decision for a whole other functioning human being.

And that is how I would feel even on the shoes issue.

The idea of removing someone else's fingers just in case they later get bullied horrifies me.

I am sorry to put it so strongly but that is how strongly I feel.

Marshy · 14/01/2015 00:03

My honest opinion is that it is very unlikely that this would be seen as 'cool' and that having this difference on show every minute of every day will be hard for him.

You are being offered a surgical solution which probably carries minimal risk and which he will remember nothing about.

In your shoes, on the information you have given us, I would go.for it.

superpoodle · 14/01/2015 00:03

Oh so sorry I misread it as he is 2! If he's tiny that changes things even more. Deffo still a yes for toes and for fingers I would weigh up the pros and cons of surgery eg. would he manage everything fine with 6 fingers, could the surgery leave any potential permanent damage

Sorry this doesn't help at all

IceBeing · 14/01/2015 00:04

OMG did someone just say you should remove another persons toes "to make shoe shopping easier"?!?!

Some one else's toes! To make shopping easier!

Seriously?

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:07

ice I'm in s similar position, it's not about making shopping easier! But it can make finding items that for much harder so has to be a consideration. My daughter could wear gloves in the future, and living in Scotland that can have a long term impact!

Nicknacky · 14/01/2015 00:07

Couldn't, not could!