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AIBU?

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Original poster

To remove/not remove my child's fingers

573 replies

24digits · 13/01/2015 22:41

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

OP posts:
Quitethewoodsman · 13/01/2015 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigGril · 13/01/2015 22:57

The feet is an easier decision as its more about his comfort and ability to walk and buy normal shoes as I imagine it could mean custom made shoes or other issue's so I'd say yes to the toes.

The hands of more tricky could it cause him problems with writing is what if want to know. if they are fully functional and not seen as an issue otherwise I would leave them. children will always find something to bully other about you can't eliminate that.
My son has a very obvious birthmark on his forearm it's large and took a bit of getting used to but we wouldn't put him though cosmetic surgery in case he gets bullied for it. He may choose when older to have something done about it himself but that'll be his choice then. I wouldn't do it to him now unless it was needed.

SistersOfPercy · 13/01/2015 22:58

You know, i was ready to say yes, remove them and then I googled 12 fingers. I found myself actually counting on the pictures because it's not at all obvious and was that person waving to me there is more than a fair chance I wouldn't notice.

That said, kids can be cruel. I think I'd be as torn as you op ( I realise I'm no use here) Blush

Waitingonasunnyday · 13/01/2015 22:59

Well, I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't mind having extra fingers. I have 8 &9 yo DC and I think they really would mind. One doesn't like standing out at all - the other likes to be different but only in the way she chooses herself. Ie she doesn't want to wear same coat as other girls but wouldn't want me to choose alternative coat, she'd want to pick it herself iyswim.

I would have them removed I think.

SistersOfPercy · 13/01/2015 22:59

This was the picture I was mentally counting btw
cdn.acidcow.com/pics/20110628/cuba_01.jpg

plantsitter · 13/01/2015 23:00

Blimey I don't know. I mean, what if having 12 fingers means he can do things that people with 10 can't? The cruel bullies etc would be wrong. Children can be cruel but they are WRONG.

However I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and him - and I wouldn't judge you for either decision. Tricky.

43percentburnt · 13/01/2015 23:00

I would be worried about altering perfect working hands and feet. If for any reason they were not perfectly working post op I would be devastated. How about scarring?

I think a child at my dd primary school would have been fine with extra digits, I think her classmates would have accepted and carried on. This was evidenced by their acceptance of another child with a difference.

Feet, it depends on how much wider we are talking. Boys tend to be able to wear wider footwear, trainers, shoes etc.

Maybe the doctors just see it as fixing the aesthetic problem.

It's a tough choice op. I don't think I could remove them just on aesthetic grounds.

trainersandaches · 13/01/2015 23:00

On balance I'd personally remove but it is a toss-up between short-term pain and possible long-term psychological impact.

What I would say, though, is that he may be fascinated and tell everyone anyway that he once had 12 fingers! There was a boy at my school who had extra fingers removed and often talked about it.

hifi · 13/01/2015 23:00

I would do th OP asap, you will have a constant barrage of questions . Also your child will have a lot longer to heal and get used to not having the extra digits. they are of no use but a constant topic of conversation.

MoreBeta · 13/01/2015 23:01

Have them removed. His life will be hell at school.

Imagine him being asked to count to ten on his fingers and the whole class laughing. Sorry to be so crass but just do it. He does not need the extra digits and will not remember it.

BeverleyCrusher · 13/01/2015 23:01

I would I think. Your baby is perfect, nobody will think that you don't think that. But IMO as he gets older he's more likely to be glad you did it than glad you didn't (assuming there are no other risks from the surgery). He wont remember being any way other than the same as everyone else.

But, it is a difficult decision, and whatever you do will be the right decision because you made it with love and the best information you had available to you Flowers

RueDeWakening · 13/01/2015 23:01

I would. There's a kid at school with DD who was born with only 2 fingers plus thumb, he does get comments - all sorts of things, and not necessarily just from kids either. I know he's asked his mum when he can have a "normal" hand.

WhitePhantom · 13/01/2015 23:01

Tough one alright... Easier to decide re toes because of shoes, but equally he won't be able to wear gloves if he has an extra finger.

(Not that that should be a deciding factor, just said I'd mention it as it crossed my mind!)

Clobbered · 13/01/2015 23:02

Why on earth would he need to be in plaster to the elbows afterwards? Has somebody actually told you that, or are you letting your imagination run wild?
Extra fingers are rarely functional and your kid will get a lot LOT of unwanted attention because of them.

Bowchickawowow · 13/01/2015 23:04

It seems uncomfortable to have to make a decision based on whether or not your child will be bullied based on their appearance and I can see why you are reluctant and finding this difficult. There is a difference, I think, between surgery recommended for medical reasons and interventions based on "fitting in" - because what about the other anomalies and imperfections that cannot be surgically corrected, or it is more severe and what message is that sending? on the other I can see why people would not want to risk their child being bullied to make this point. It just seems unfair that surgery is an option based on the possible opinion of bullies.

Original poster
24digits · 13/01/2015 23:06

Callmeexhausted, it's funny you say about gloves. I found a pair of six finger gloves for sale on Amazon. When I actually read the blurb, it was meant as a joke item, and something you would buy as a secret Santa to make someone "question their ancestors". I cried when I read it.

My DS is at the stage where he is starting to use his hands a lot more now, and he pokes his 6th finger in my mouth. I always kiss it and the thought of discarding his extra fingers is awful. If we did go ahead I know I'd feel awful for putting my DS through two lots of general anaesthetic to make him conform, but if we don't and he get's bullied I'd hate that too, it's so tough.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 13/01/2015 23:06

One of my friends ds was born with 6 toes on each foot, they left them. He doesn't get bullied about it at all - if anything it makes him more popular because he is different.

Due to my experience of someone having extra digits I would leave them as they have caused no ill effects other than finding it hard to get shoes - I don't think that's a good enough reason to force someone through major surgery though.

TittingAbout · 13/01/2015 23:06

I would leave them. Definitely.

dixiechick1975 · 13/01/2015 23:06

Maybe contact Reach (reach.org.uk) a charity for children with upper limb differences. There is also STEPS the lower limb charity. They may be able to put you in touch with families who have had to make the same decisions.

My DD was born with a left arm that stops just the elbow with 5 nubbins that would have been her fingers had her arm developed in the womb.

We saw a plastic surgeon when she was a baby who suggested removing the nubbins to make wearing a prosthetic easier. Our gut was no and in fact the nubbins are very handy to her. She is 8 and disgusted that a Dr suggested that.

TeaAndALemonTart · 13/01/2015 23:06

I would get them removed. I think the shoe issue makes it a no brained for his toes.

OVienna · 13/01/2015 23:07

DH had extra digits as did SIL. I would do it.

Mydelilah · 13/01/2015 23:08

I would do it, hands and feet. Not just because of bullying, fear of being different, but mainly so he can wear shoes (and do sport - did the doctors mention this?) and because it is much easier to do it now, when he's young and will heal really quickly and not remember any of it. If you wait until later when he will almost certainly want/need to do it himself, he have to go through a lot of pain and recovery. If it is done now, he will not know to miss the digits or question your decision.

He may very well resent your decision not to do it later if he has to go through all that when it could have been easily avoided by sorting while he's a baby.

Marcipex · 13/01/2015 23:09

I'd let him have the op while he's young. He won't suffer and he won't be aware.
Kids can be cruel, and teenage years are so hard for most anyway. Don't make him stand out in this way.
He's beautiful and perfect now, he'll be beautiful and perfect after.

dixiechick1975 · 13/01/2015 23:11

Just to add DD gets very few comments and stares in real life re her arm - i'd be surprised if most people noticed your son.

School wise it is a non issue. No bullying. A child asks and she says she was born this way and that is it.

WooWooOwl · 13/01/2015 23:11

It's really sad to think that people believe he would get bullied for having extra fingers at school. It really doesn't have to be like that, as evidenced by accepting behaviour shown by children in plenty of schools.

I think I would definitely have his toes done, just because I can imagine it could limit the types of footwear he could comfortably use as an adult, and that might prevent him from sports, like being a climber or a figure skater should he so choose.

Surely you don't have to make the decision about both at the same time? Couldn't you have his toes done and then go from there?