To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

Clobbered, DS's extra digits are completely fully functioning which is another reason why it's so hard. Apparently lots of children who have extra digits have fingers that look like a skin tag and they don't function as a finger, but DS has a joint and a nail.

I would definitely go ahead with the toes op. I'm on the fence about the fingers. I had a deformed club foot and had multiple ops to correct it. I have a fully functioning foot, but big problems in relation to shoes and it's been a massive pain in the backside, and my mum found it quite distressing.

It's surprising how big an issue shoe buying can become if you have any sort of difficulty with your feet.

Personally I don't think I would (fingers). Certainly not for reasons like bullying. You would be changing who he is and how do you then explain to kids that it's ok to be yourself and love yourself when people change so dramatically for such reasons.
Don't change him because he's different, if it's not a health concern let him accept himself and see how he feels.

Yes it is a shame it would be done to prevent bullying.

BUT as someone who grew up being bullied because of something physical I can't help, had there been a surgery that could have taken it all away as a baby I'd have been so upset if my parents had refused on principle.

I had virtually no friends til secondary school. Kids took the piss all the time. I spent lunch and breaks stood alone in the school hall doorway.

not to mention what I had to wear as a result of what really is a minor thing. But they noticed. and they ridiculed.

as an adult, I couldn't care less but kids are cruel. not so much infants but once ya hit juniors.....

I would leave them, he sounds perfect.

I would go ahead with having the extra toes and fingers removed. He won't remember it and will heal quickly. I can imagine a child with extra digits asking why you hadn't removed them, but not being upset that you had.

I would definitely remove both. A close friend of mine has a large scar on her foot and was really badly bullied at school and it had a huge impact on her self esteem and confidence. Her parents also had the option to have it removed but decided not to.

I kind of agree with the pp's that say gloves will be tricky, not so much for cold weather but loads of jobs need you to wear protective gloves- brain surgeon, tattooist, mechanic or bricklayer

So he might end up getting them removed anyway when he is older, and it is more disruptive.

Hard one.

Not sure what I'd do. 6 fingers would be cool. And there's nothing wrong with it.

I taught a boy with 6 fingers on each hand a few years ago. He was 7/8 at the time and was confident and popular and seemed to be fine with it, enjoyed showing off and talking about it. But he did spend a fair bit of playtime pretending to be a wizard/evil baddy type character and would thrust his hands in his friends faces (creating spells or zapping them) and laugh while they ran away screaming. It was not a neutral thing! On the surface it was totally fine for that stage of life for him but it was definitely a defining feature and the other children were very aware. He did cope with it well but even with a strong, popular boy like him I was always aware that the play surrounding it had negative undertones and needed keeping on top of quite carefully.

I would remove them without a second thought.

Children are cruel.

It's not fair, but it's true.

I would certainly go for it. You have to think of the psychological Impact to him of you not doing it

It's so difficult feeling like you're putting your child in a risky situation,,but from personal experience I would say try and trust the medics and you'd be amazed at how quickly children heal,

Being in plaster now will be much easier than when being an active little one, or having to miss school,if they make the decision for themselves later.

Good luck with your decision

When your DS is 18 you will remember the operation but you will be over the feelings. If you leave them and he gets bullied, you will have to live with that every day, and more importantly HE will have to live with that. The constant questions. People gawking. Having to shake hands in job interviews. I would be so scared of him becoming "the guy with extra fingers" rather than him IYSWIM.

If you leave them and he later on decides to have them removed, he will be learning how to do things with 12 fingers and then have to relearn everything with 10.

I would have them removed now when he is small enough to not notice. Though I can understand why you shouldn't have to make this choice. The world should be an accepting place but its not.

My immediate reaction would be no, don't remove them. As you say, your DS is perfect and fully functioning already. Then I considered the shoes issue and thought perhaps it is worth thinking about. I notice though that you say TWO sets of GA - I definitely would not have a whole second operation to remove fingers if it could not be done at the same time. In fact I might be inclined not to remove fingers even if it could.

Having read all the posts I think I would do it - it's almost certainly going to be an easier operation at this age than when he is 6/7/8 or whenever later in life.

I think this is one of those agonising times when you have to stand up & be the parent & make the decision about his future life.

On balance I think I'd rather have 5 of each than six & he will grow up with that & won't ever remember having had the operation & won't ever have to make the decision.

Whatever you do I wish you all the best - you come over as a lovely, caring person.

Oh OP, this is so difficult, and personally I'm somewhat saddened by the amount of people saying remove them; not at the posters, but more the fact that we obviously live in such an appearance-centric world.

If it were me? If the fingers were fully functioning, I'd keep them. I don't know what the surgeon has said regarding how easy / painful it would be to have them removed later, but I would leave this decision to your DS. Imagine being 4 or whatever, and knowing you were born with your very own superpower! And yes, I know other children can be cruel, but I'm firmly of the mind that we should celebrate what makes us us, and being visibly different in a very positive way may encourage his self-confidence? Anyway, if he doesn't like them, he could get rid at a later date.

Writing this has got me thinking...where do you stand on circumcision? I'm sure you've thought about this a LOT more than I have, but I see parallels in the situations. The body part(s) you're considering removing are perfectly healthy, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with them. Why remove because society dictates we should follow the heard?

Toes, on the other hand, for practicality I would remove them. Shoes are expensive enough as it is!

I'm genuinely surprised by some answers here. I don't think you'd be wrong whatever you decide but I wouldn't have thought there would be a psychological impact from having an extra finger, surely? Or that he would necessarily be bullied? I personally think that a child can be bulied for any spurious reason and that the most important thing we can do is build their confidence and resilience so that they feel comfortable enough in their own skin not to be affected by comments? He could have his extra finger removed only to have another child decide he has a funny shaped nose and become conscious of that! Children will pick on anything. But I remember watching a programme about a man with a severe facial disfigurement who was very confident and happy - who said he wouldn't change a thing about himself.

The toes do sound as though they could cause problems though. I don't know what I would do, which isn't much help! But I don't think you're sentencing him to a lifetime of psychological damage if you don't remove the extra digits.

Would the operation be more complicated if he decided for himself when older? Or is it the psychological aspect of not remembering that makes the specialist recommend operating before t he age of two?

My friends daughter was born with fused fingers and has a surgeon created ring finger and thumb. She has been dreadfully bullied throughout high school. However she now helps counsel children with similar conditions. She is in her mid teens now.

i would do some research and find out if having extra fingers is likely to affect his fine motor skills. I imagine it may make writing more difficult or tying shoe laces. As someone else said, gloves for doing specific jobs would be more difficult etc

I think the toes sound practical so would go ahead with that.

At first I said yes in my mind about the fingers too but I just googled "12 fingers" and it's really not that noticeable unless you actually counted which in most circumstances people wouldn't have time to do. I'd of course worry about him being teased for it by other children but looking at the pictures online I don't think children would really pick up on it. It does depend on what your child's hands look like.

I think what would throw it for me would be recovery- would he be able to hold his food and toys or would he be very limited whilst healing and how long would it be for. I can imagine a small child becoming frustrated very easily if they have to wear a big cast or thick bandages for a long period of time, or would it be a more simple stitches and dressing type thing.

He will not remember this when he's older so its the perfect time to get it done.

We have had to make difficult surgical decisions for our DD - I understand the feeling of being torn.

Remember that you don't have to decide tomorrow, and in all honesty, you may never be absolutely comfortable with the final choice. As it would have to be done in 2 separate ops, perhaps as you are more comfortable with the thought have his feet done, take more time to decide about his hands.

Regarding the discomfort, we remember it long after it is gone from their memories.

The posts about bullying are upsetting but it is not my DD's experience at all.

I'm not naive to think it doesn't happen but my DD age 8 has a full and active life - brownies, dancing, swimming etc and we have not encountered anything like bullying. We moved house recently and she has made several friends. Questions yes but easily answered - we are all different.

FWIW I found the plastic very gungho about surgery. He used to dismiss me when I said DD seemed to have more sensitive feeling in her nubbins (she would rub her blankie on them) Once old enough she confirmed it was the case.

I'd want reassurance (2nd opinion?) re possible affects on hands, scarring and nerve damage.

I would leave them as they're his fingers/toes and such a major thing as removing digits (albeit extra ones) should be his choice. You can't predict whether and what for kids will be bullied - maybe having cool extra fingers and toes will be what makes him popular and not a target for bullies. If they are fully functioning, how is removing them anything but a cosmetic choice, and if so, that should be his choice. Speaking as an adult (and as someone who was bullied as a child), I would far rather have the choice of surgery as an adult even if it was more of an ordeal than surgery as a baby, than have had that choice taken away from me.

Disclaimer, I have 10 fingers and toes, but would love to have more and be able to show them off!