To remove/not remove my child's fingers

[24digits]

My DS was born earlier this year. He's absolutely perfect and is a healthy, happy little baby. He was born with an extra digit on each hand and foot so has 12 fingers and 12 toes. His fingers are perfectly formed with joints and nails. His toes, although they look a little more unusual, are also perfectly formed but do make his feet wider.

Upon leaving hospital we were given follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon to discuss our future options, except when we got there it seemed less like a question and answer session, but more like a discussion on when we will surgically remove DS's extra digits. We left, making it clear we hadn't yet made a decision, but we're told that it was better for DS to have any operation before age 2.

DH and I are completely torn on whether we put our perfectly healthy little boy through two painful operations to remove extra digits. Please can you give me your most honest, unvarnished opinions on what you would do because I really need to feel like we have considered everything before we make a decision.

At the moment we are considering letting DS have the operation to remove his toes so that he will be able to wear shoes, but everyone seems to be certain that my DS will be bullied if his extra fingers aren't removed. Am I subjecting my DS to a life of bullying if we don't go ahead with the operation?

I'm learning to crochet gloves. I'd make you some.

Someone mentioned that their doctor has 6 fingers, so there must be a work around. Perhaps 6 fingered latex gloves are available through hospitals, or perhaps that doctor returned to the excellent clinical hygiene practices that were available before latex gloves were available (and where they are still not available.)

The ad is horrible but it's also obscure and unfunny OP. My DC would think the extra fingers are very cool.

Just seen pic. No. Don't remove. There is nothing wrong with him. He looks fine. Beautiful little hand. It will be other people's problem - not his.

He will thank you for it when he is older and has no recollection of the surgery to remove them. Better to do it now.

Congratulations on your little boy's arrival.

A few things...

1. you have loads of time to make this decision, even on the surgeon's timescale. Why not park it for 12 months then see how you feel? You're still in the very early days of parenthood when everything is tough. Take time.

2. It's obvious but you can't undo the operation once it's done. If you're unsure, I'd wait. You can always do it later.

3. my family is visibly "different". We're a gay couple, one white, one Asian. Our kids are not teased at all but we're open and proud of who we are and we've taught our kids to be proud of themselves. We're assertive enough to be able to tackle problems as/before they arise. Being different can be fine-honestly.

4. exactly how much harder would it be to do this surgery at a much later date? I know kids heal fast but teens/adults heal too so it might be an artificial deadline.

If it were my child's hands I would keep them as they are (beautiful, chubby little hands). With his feet I'd only operate if it was causing real problems. If my child later wanted surgery I'd fully support him.

Finally, we had to make a big decision for one of my kids when he was tiny. There were pros and cons. After much discussion we made our decision knowing he might think we're wrong when he's older. In the end we decided that we could be wrong either way so we went with our gut feeling, based on the fact we love him. In the future I'll be able to honestly say we thought it was for the best.

Best of luck.

I think the little finger of latex gloves is usually quite loose and he could probably squeeze his last 2 fingers in fine. I couldn't remove a child's fingers just in case that might be a problem later.

Your son has lovely hands! What a beautiful picture.

I had to face a similar-ish issue with DS (a condition which had mixture of cosmetic and functional considerations, with issues about psychological issues and bullying - PM me if you want details). I found it was a very, very hard decision to make and involved lots of soul-searching. I think the idea of waiting a bit to make the decision is not at all a bad idea. And remember doctors can be a mixed bunch - some are very sensitive, some are gung-ho "we can just lop this bit off/fix that bit", one was downright offensive (saying in front of my son that the relevant bits "looked odd, and wouldn't it be better to just do X?" - I wanted to give her the bollocking of her life, but of course couldn't because DS was there and I wanted to play down the comments, saying "Oh, I think it looks fine, no, we were worried because of infections, not how it looks..." - and telling DS when he mentioned it later that I thought that doctor was being very silly.)

FWIW I've found a lot of how children handle issues which potentially could cause bullying come down to how you as a parent equip them to handle it (Moosey Mouse's post upthread is excellent) and how robust the school's anti-bullying policies are (some schools are great, some pay lip-service but in practice don't do a bloody thing, some are awful). I'm lucky in that my son's school is very good at handling issues, encouraging diversity in a meaningful way rather than just a tick-box way. (It's a trivial example, but DS chooses to have long hair - he's got flack for this, but his teacher has been good in talking to the class about it, and DS and I regularly have talks - I stress that it's his choice, but that people who comment are silly - and we google football players with long hair).

I taught a child who had 6 fingers. It took me a few weeks to notice - and that happened only because I was doing some number bonds to 10 work with him, using his fingers to count. Obviously once I noticed we amended the way we were working immediately. Until then I had not noticed at all.

Throughout infants he was not bullied about it all at school. Infact I can't really remember any child ever mentioning it. I don;t know what has happened at junior school but not heard anything untoward. I do think many children are far more accepting of differences than adults are.

For his hands - I think I would leave it for at least the next 12 months. See how his hands and fingers develop, have x-rays done regarding the bones, etc. And then think again then.

For his feet - it depends if it is going to have an impact on him walking and his balance, and if he will be able to wear ordinary shoes and trainers come into this too. Again, I think until you have x-rays done to know what exactly is going to be involved it is difficult to know what to do.

I guess I would be more inclined to have the additional toes removed IF they believe it will enhance the way he will develop walking and ability to wear shoes.

Before seeing your picture I would have said yes, do it!

But after seeing your picture I don't think I would on his hands. It doesn't actually notice, you just glance at it and even when I really looked at the picture it still wasn't obvious.

I just had to comment to say what a beautiful little hand OP, it's a gorgeous photo.

Like others who have posted since then, having seen that perfect, chubby, tiny little hand, I don't know if I could make the decision to operate either.

My vote would also be to give it some time to see how the fingers develop. There is no need to rush into anything immediately and although it's the kind of decision that never comes with a guarantee, you need to feel in your gut that it's the best decision to your knowledge. Until you can see how that pinky will develop, you can't be fully informed.

Good luck x

Congrats on your new arrival.

The photo of his little hand just melted me, so beautiful.
I have no idea what to advise you, but wishing you all the best in making the decision.

I personally don't think you should have to do this to avoid bullying, but truthfully I think you should do it for him. People are often unkind, and obvious physical differences are common targets, its sad but true. I also agree with other posters about it being possible that the extra digits would cause an issue should he wish to enter a medical or scientific field, or any other that may involve the wearing of gloves.

Can I just say that his hand is adorable.

If it were me having to make your decision, I think if the extra digits are functioning and are not causing developmental problems, leave well alone, they're not doing any harm and most people wouldn't even notice them. The toes maybe I'd consider if there were a chance that they would affect his gait or ability to wear normal shoes.

I know it's different but my youngest DC (7months) has two webbed toes on each foot. They're very very noticeable, as they're webbed nearly all the way up to the tip of the toes. I've lost count of how many people have asked when I'll be "getting them sorted". It never occurred to me to do any such thing at first. I've had lots of people telling me she'll get bullied, it will affect her self esteem etc. My response is that if that ends up being the case and she wants them fixed then she can make that decision for herself and I will support her. Yes she'll experience the pain if she opts to have them separated later in life, but it's only temporary and that will just have to be part of her decision making process. Of course separating joined toes will be far less complicated than removing extra digits so not directly comparable, it's also far more common (though I don't think I've ever seen webbing to the extent of my daughter's).

I spoke to the GP about them in any case (in terms of the effect they might have on walking) and was relieved to find that the NHS only operates if the webbing affects walking. I thought this would stop the questions from other people about getting them fixed, sadly all it means is people ask if I'm going to go private

I don't think it's a given that your DS will be bullied, schools are very different these days compared to what they were like in my day! People will ask questions, but if his own family don't treat it as something to be ashamed of, there's no reason for him to be ashamed of them.

Well there's no reason to be ashamed of them at all, but I hope you know what I mean!

You know, at first I thought definitely I would. But upon reading and seeing his little hand, I just don't know!

DS is seven and was amazed and jealous. I asked if he thought anyone would make fun of the little boy and he said no and was really surprised. He said "if they do he should just say 'whatever, it's cool. You have boring hands compared to me'." So...there's the opionion of a second grader for what it's worth. :)

My first boyfriend had 6 fingers. I loved it because it made him different.

What a gorgeous little hand OP - many congratulations to you.

FWIW I would remove the extra fingers & toes sooner rather than later - he won't remember anything about it.

There is no right or wrong way to proceed, you have to do what feels right in your heart.

Thank you, OP, for having shared the picture of your baby's beautiful hand.

Having seen the hand, I go back to my original thoughts, which is that if the extra fingers are fully functioning, I would be very, very tempted to keep them. It looks as though cutting off the smallest finger would leave him without a pinkie but with two ring fingers. That would surely give him less dexterity than if he has six fingers?

Like some other posters, I also thought that the Cuban man has beautiful hands.

My children have had several GAs each, for eye exams. No biggie. I would remove them.

Glad some of you liked the Cuban man's hands, too :)

I actually think a lot of posters have missed that ALL the pictures I posted are polydactyl with 6 toes and fingers:
The baseball pitcher
The smiling Cuban man
The teenager's typing hands
The baby feet
The random office worker's foot.

If you glanced at the pictures and thought they had nothing to do with this thread, perhaps you need to look again ...

OP I think you've had loads of perspectives on whether people would / wouldn't remove, but just wanted to add this:

I will teach my DD not to bully your DS.

When I got pg I was asked if I was worried my child would be bullied (in my case, for unconventional family setup). And the answer is "Unless you're teaching your child that bullying is ok, what would I have to worry about?"

As others have said, bullying is pretty random. There was a girl at my school who was slim, pretty, good but not swotty, no glasses etc so nothing obvious to pick on but was bullied for supposedly having a silly name. Her name was Susanna.

I would have them removed without a moment's hesitation. It's very difficult to hide a hand injury or deformity. My boss is in his sixties and is missing the little finger on his left hand, the majority of which is very scarred. He is extremely experienced, supremely confident, pretty much reached the top of his profession within our region. But yet any time I pass him a file to read through he flips it open and hides his left hand under it. He'll sit in meetings with his left hand grasping the underside of the table so that you can only see his thumb. Anytime he stands up he shoves his hand into his trouser pocket. He can stand and give a presentation to some of the most influential people in the city but he doesn't want anyone to see his hand.

Even though it took me about two weeks to notice this, others do catch on quicker. A few weeks back I was speaking to a friend of a friend who knew his wife. She (25, BBC-working raving liberal) said, "oh he is the guy with the hand?", complete with claw motion. I'm damned if my child would be labelled like that for something I could sort. And it will happen- for everyone promoting this altruistic society where we let them decide for themselves as teenagers, there'll be someone who just can't stop staring, or using "the fella with the fingers" as a descriptive term. That's an issue completely separate from bullying. Some people are robust enough to stand up to that and not let it bother them, but as a sensitive child (and adult!) it would have upset me greatly.

Congratulations, OP, on the birth of your darling son.

I have a child with a noticeable limb difference. He has had significant surgery to enable him to walk, and we had to decide whether to proceed with that surgery or else to have his leg amputate so that he could use a prosthetic instead. (Similar outcomes n terms of mobility - surgical route prolonged and challenging) So I know something of what you are going through.

During our decision making we were lucky that our hospital arranged for us to meet other families with children with similar conditions - this was very helpful.

In terms of some of the things that have cropped up on this thread:

DS has never ever been bullied or had 'vile' things said to him, and he is in secondary school now, in a S London comp. He has one leg much shorter than the other and 4 toes. Children were not in the least bit cruel, the worst that happened was that we were often bothered n shops by religious people trying to steer us towards faith healing. But not on a daily basis, so not a massive worry.

He did have 4 operations / GAs when he was a year old (to straighten his foot so that he could walk), and actually although it feels very daunting, surgery for young children is very untraumatic. he wasn't in pain - and he did have plaster right up to his thigh, and it was fine.

My son actually gets strength and self esteem from knowing that he is 'good to go' just how he is.

I will admit that non-standard shoes is a complete nightmare. But before thinking of removing toes I would ask about the stability of the foot if a toe is removed. And I would do some more Googling and see if people do need significantly wider shoes. This is where talking to people with experience counts.

As for the career implications of needing bespoke gloves - his employers would provide them!

I tried to leave a bad review for the sellers of those Amazon gloves, saying how stupid and thoughtless and rude they are - but Amazon rejected my review!

Your baby is still very tiny. Get to know him, give yourself time....and don't panic.

Good luck, OP.

The post by Craic is sad. On the other hand (oh dear , no pun intended) this family seem completely at ease with themselves.

rt.com/news/167656-six-fingers-family-brazil/

The family are also on YouTube. Some of the comments are a bit dim, a couple downright nasty which were countered and a few of course making the point that they could count the number of goals Brazil lost to Germany by on one hand.