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Original poster

To tell my friend I don't want to look after her DC's anymore

790 replies

evmil · 12/01/2015 13:51

I have a friend who has a full time job and quite unreliable childcare (she has aupairs but has quite a high turnover of them). She has three boys, one the same age as my DS(4) and two school age (7 and 10) and when her normal childcare falls through she asks me. Her aupair left just after christmas so since the start of term i have had her kids before school and after school Monday thru to Friday.

I looked after her kids for her yesterday as she said she needed to catch up on work. They were supposed to be here from 9 until 12ish but didn't leave until quarter past 7 last night. I was annoyed as I was supposed to be taking DSS3 somewhere but couldn't and he had to get a cab in the end and was late (DH is away so couldn't take him - i did tell her this).

Anyway, i got a text last night at about half 8 from said friend telling me she wasn't happy. I had apparently filled her kids up with junk food (we make milkshakes and biscuits and they got to try some and i sent some home with them), hadn't given them a proper dinner, they had jacket potatoes, which meant they were going to bed hungry, and I had let them play with the nerf guns and they had a go on the x-box (none of which she was happy with). She finished the text with 'i thought i could trust you to look after my boys'

I was really upset but just replied with 'perhaps it is best then if you get someone else to look after them', she didn't reply but i assumed this meant i wouldn't be having her kid anymore, but at quarter past 7 this morning she turned up at my house with them and said I'm not happy about yesterday but I am willing to give you another chance!! I didn't say anything as i didn't want to upset the boys but seriously!!

Like I said I enjoy having her kids and i know she is stuck for childcare but she doesn't pay me and i feel really under appreciated (i don't expect money, a thank you would be nice though!)

WIBU to tell her i don't want to look after her kids again because of her behaviour?

OP posts:
pictish · 13/01/2015 19:29

Poisoned chalice? It's like that...but not that. It's annoying me...

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 19:30

'Anyway, as soon as DH finds out about the messages i don't even think friend or her partner will be welcome on the doorstep; he is going to be fuming about the whole thing.'

Why aren't you? These people have used you and then shit all over you. There is no fucking way my kid would be going over there. The world has 7bn people in it. He can find someone else to play with.

I'd make it very clear: NO MORE CHILDCARE.

And really stick to it. She rings, shows up, texts, you do not let her or those 'poor kids' in. The poor kids are poor kids because of their parents, not you.

'No, I'm not here to look after them anymore. You need to go elsewhere.'

'I don't have money, DH lost his job . . . just till he gets another . . . '

'No, I am not able to look after them anymore. You need to make another arrangement.'

Original poster
evmil · 13/01/2015 19:31

DH will drop DS off and pick him on Saturday so no chance of them trying to get me back in that way

I do like the idea of leaving him there until 7pm though Grin

OP posts:
Skatingfastonthinice · 13/01/2015 19:31

Being stressed and worried still doesn't mean you get to treat other humans like shit, even if they have been horrible to you. And you have been supportive and very flexible and got nothing in return.
So I'm pleased that the DH has apologised for the foul behaviour of his over-entitled wife, but it shouldn't change things.
They'll just have to manage like the rest of us and budget better. Then they can pay for the ASC.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 19:33

'DH will drop DS off and pick him on Saturday so no chance of them trying to get me back in that way'

Your DH is really sending his son there with them after he knows all this? For real?

Violettatrump · 13/01/2015 19:33

It's not your responsibility to help resolve their financial issues by offering free childcare. The fact is that they both work and yet have lots of debt through choice. They have made lifestyle choices

Lweji · 13/01/2015 19:35

If they did need the childcare that much, they should have asked for it nicely and be eternally grateful for it, not a bitch.

Original poster
evmil · 13/01/2015 19:37

My DH doesn't know yet and tbh he won't want him to go when he finds out. It was only provisional anyway; i said i would let him know. DH has been away with work for the past week (should be back in an hour or so) and will be working for the rest of the week. I know he will want to spend Saturday with DS and DSS's.

If on the off chance he did go, DH would probably take him, thats all.

Anyway, now i need to work out a way to tell DH what has happened that won't make him too angry!

OP posts:
zzzzz · 13/01/2015 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/01/2015 19:41

If she was sorry, she should have said so herself.

rollonthesummer · 13/01/2015 19:44

I fully expect that you will be asked to have their children next week in return for them having your son this Sunday!

ChocolateWombat · 13/01/2015 19:47

OP, did he mention you doing more childcare for them?

If he didn't today, I'm sure they will on Saturday. They will appeal to your kind nature and their difficult circumstances.

What you decide, is of course up to you. Most posters on here will think you have been a mug and been taken advantage of, if you say 'yes' - and given their behaviour towards you, it is clear why.

So think VERY carefully and decide BEFORE Saturday what you will say when they ask you to resume childcare. Think about the crap they have given you and are likely to continue to dish out, their late pick-ups and rudeness. Consider if it is likely to re-occur and if you are prepared to take that, and then make your decision.

If you decide to say yes, that is your choice. If I were saying yes (and I don't think I would) then I would be making clear, that if there is even one late pick-up or rudeness towards me about the way I rare for the boys, then the arrangement ends.
If you decide to say No, then stick to it, even when they try to persuade you otherwise. Simply say that you are sorry for their situation, but no longer feel comfortable looking after their kids any longer. Simply keep repeating that to any objections and then say you have no more to say.

Think carefully ....make a decision and be very clear in expressing it.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 13/01/2015 19:51

Nothing the DH has said makes up for her bitching about the baked potato and slagging off your older child.

Nothing.

He's after free childcare. That's all.

HSMMaCM · 13/01/2015 19:51

Make sure you tell DH before da goes, otherwise they might tell him they'll drop the kids off as normal on Monday and he won't know any better.

FestiveElf · 13/01/2015 19:53

Perhaps I am too unforgiving, but I would not even remain friends with someone like her and certainly not send my children around, not even socially. As another poster pointed out, there are many other children in the world to make friends with and it seems it was a friendship of convenience anyway.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 20:00

'Anyway, now i need to work out a way to tell DH what has happened that won't make him too angry!'

He should see this thread. This is his family, too.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 20:01

'Anyway, now i need to work out a way to tell DH what has happened that won't make him too angry!'

Why shouldn't he be? This is his family, too.

Ludoole · 13/01/2015 20:03

Hope if your ds goes round they dont give him a red bull to drink and feed him a bag of sugar lumps in retribution... Grin

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:04

No, nothing makes up for it. But if the OP wants the boys to remain friends, then she needs to do something like this.

pluCaChange · 13/01/2015 20:06

Mocheenee and ChocolateWombat, odd, yes, but that seems to be the way it is. Confused It would be pretty ridiculous to arrange formal cover for those five minutes and 100 metres, so given that I am there for DS anyway, I'm happy to help. However, as I said, they are NORMAL people, so helping is not a problem. However, that just underlines how out of line these other pisstaker parents are!

The husband's intervention and ostensible apology at the door are a bit weird. In true MN fashion, I shall leap dramatically to the question: "Are they gaslighting you?" Shock Grin

Chebs · 13/01/2015 20:06

Jaw... floor!!

Just read the whole thing and, I must say, how reserved were you?! I don't think I could have been so calm!

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 20:06

And FWIW, it's quasi-legal for you to be providing childcare like this without being registered. They would be the first to sue the fuck out of you all if their child were at yours and got hurt.

You don't need an excuse, either. 'We have decided DS will not be coming round. Best, evmil.'

RiverTam · 13/01/2015 20:07

yep, quite right your DH will be angry, she was incredibly rude about his son!

None of this washes, you know - if this is a recent thing, then why has she gone through so many au pairs? This is just what she/they are like and always will be, unfortunately.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2015 20:08

Good plan op, her dh sounds lovely, but sorry she sounds vile. She should have come to you to apologise, stress is no excuse for that behaviour.

pictish · 13/01/2015 20:11

If approached about looking after their kids again, I would say "No...it's not going to happen. While it is true that I don't feel comfortable looking after the kids any more after your criticism, what makes me even more uncomfortable, is that you felt compelled to criticise me at all! You seem to have this notion that even though you don't pay me, I work for you. In short, you obviously view me as a subordinate. I feel very uncomfortable about that indeed. As much as I do like you, your behaviour towards me has put me off watching your boys for good."

And I would say that in rl...it's not just big talk on t' internet. That's what happened, so if she values you as a person at all, she will suck that up with good grace. If you're anything like me, you'll not be arsed about missing her friendship now anyway, so there's nothing to lose by being honest.

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