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Original poster

To tell my friend I don't want to look after her DC's anymore

790 replies

evmil · 12/01/2015 13:51

I have a friend who has a full time job and quite unreliable childcare (she has aupairs but has quite a high turnover of them). She has three boys, one the same age as my DS(4) and two school age (7 and 10) and when her normal childcare falls through she asks me. Her aupair left just after christmas so since the start of term i have had her kids before school and after school Monday thru to Friday.

I looked after her kids for her yesterday as she said she needed to catch up on work. They were supposed to be here from 9 until 12ish but didn't leave until quarter past 7 last night. I was annoyed as I was supposed to be taking DSS3 somewhere but couldn't and he had to get a cab in the end and was late (DH is away so couldn't take him - i did tell her this).

Anyway, i got a text last night at about half 8 from said friend telling me she wasn't happy. I had apparently filled her kids up with junk food (we make milkshakes and biscuits and they got to try some and i sent some home with them), hadn't given them a proper dinner, they had jacket potatoes, which meant they were going to bed hungry, and I had let them play with the nerf guns and they had a go on the x-box (none of which she was happy with). She finished the text with 'i thought i could trust you to look after my boys'

I was really upset but just replied with 'perhaps it is best then if you get someone else to look after them', she didn't reply but i assumed this meant i wouldn't be having her kid anymore, but at quarter past 7 this morning she turned up at my house with them and said I'm not happy about yesterday but I am willing to give you another chance!! I didn't say anything as i didn't want to upset the boys but seriously!!

Like I said I enjoy having her kids and i know she is stuck for childcare but she doesn't pay me and i feel really under appreciated (i don't expect money, a thank you would be nice though!)

WIBU to tell her i don't want to look after her kids again because of her behaviour?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 13/01/2015 15:05

TheRollingCrone did she pay the child the money or is she just pullling a fast one.I would tell her the arrangement has come to an end.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/01/2015 15:12

That's awful TheRollingCrone Shock

ghostland · 13/01/2015 16:02

She wants free convenient childcare and she wants it all on her terms. She basically wants a slave.

ToffeeCaramel · 13/01/2015 16:03

Rolling Crone. I think I'd have stopped taking her dc there and then.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 16:09

'Anyway, long story short, I paid it yesterday fucking wimp but cannot wait till this arrangement finishes,the child is lovely, Mums a pain.'

The arrangement ends like this: 'This no longer works for me. You need to make other arrangements by next week as I will no longer be available for lifts.'

She balks and you stand up for yourself, 'I resent being accused of taking money when I am doing you a favour. I resent your tone towards me when I am doing you a favour. As of X day, you will need to make other arrangements.'

HazleNutt · 13/01/2015 16:09

Rolling, sorry, you paid the money her child in Y6 (allegedly) lost?

YouTheCat · 13/01/2015 16:19

Rolling, say what expat said to her. A year 6 child should be responsible enough to look after their own dinner money which is probably in their pocket to be spent on crap .

ilovelamp82 · 13/01/2015 16:30

Wow Rolling. When are you ending the arrangement?

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 16:36

My daughter is in the Scottish equivalent of yr6. She is responsible for handing in dinner money.

Jux · 13/01/2015 16:36

TheRollingCrone, you must say what expat said. She'll come up with something worse next. Shock

OP, I'm so shocked my brain prolapsed. Wink

waithorse · 13/01/2015 16:48

RollingShock

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2015 17:13

TheRolling, I would stop this arrangement now!

CruCru · 13/01/2015 17:18

Who are these buggers who don't prioritise childcare? It must be really stressful for the kids.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 17:21

I've read of dozens of them on here. Loads.

Icimoi · 13/01/2015 17:28

TheRolling: it goes like this. Child's mother needs to get money to school, decides to do so by giving it to child, that is totally her responsibility. It cannot possibly be yours unless she had specifically asked you to check on it and you agreed. Tell the other mother she needs to pay it back to you, it's her child who lost it, not you.

ChocolateWombat · 13/01/2015 17:30

Although I was initially surprised when I read this thread, I'm not anymore having thought about it.

I know people who are friendly and quickly ask for a favour and another and another. They might offer the odd help in return, but only in a way which suits them. They are quick to ask for help and very very quick to be offended and very vocal about it, without ever seeming to realise they are burning their bridges and that people don't like being criticised and complained to, when they have done a favour for someone. And most surprising of all, they then think it is perfectly okay to ask another favour.

In my mind, it comes down to a total lack of self-awareness, total lack of empathy and selfishness.

People like this start many friendships, but then wonder why they don't last.....but always blame others rather than looking closer to home for the cause.

So I'm pretty sure the OPs 'friend' is extremely unlikely to recognise her own role in the breakdown of the friendship here - it will always be the fault of someone else. She will simply blame the friend for a while......then she will conveniently forget about the whole episode and approach the OP again to ask for help. If the OP weakens and says yes (which she might, as she is kind and likes to help people out) then the cycle will repeat itself.

It's difficult, because, as adults, months later we don't want to be referring v to past grievances, but probably the best response at a later point is simply to say 'sorry but that isn't going to fit with what's going on at home' and 'I really cAnt go I to details' if pressed about it.

Regarding the 'friend' bad mouthi g the OP to people they know, I think the OP should say nothing about it all to anyone unless really pressed. If people push to know what happened, she could say 'I happily helped X out on lots of occasions, but because of her complaints about the way I was looking after her children, I felt unappreciated and that it was better not to offer help that she clearly didn't like anymore'

Icimoi · 13/01/2015 17:32

Goodness knows why people are troll hunting, as others have attested this sort of thing happens regularly. I remember once getting an emergency call from dd's school that she hadn't been picked up on a day when the arrangement was that she was supposed to go home with a friend whose mother was picking her up. When I explained to the school they were fine about it, and the deputy head took me aside and told me never, never to rely on this woman because she had form for being late very very regularly. The mother's attitude was that the teachers should look after her child because they were in school anyway - she specifically told me that - and she closed her eyes totally to the fact that they were only in school because they had other work to do and they might have to go to staff meetings etc; also that they weren't there to be free childminders.

She was furious when the school told her that every time she did it they would send the child to the after school club and she would have to pay their fees.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 17:36

'Regarding the 'friend' bad mouthi g the OP to people they know, I think the OP should say nothing about it all to anyone unless really pressed. If people push to know what happened, she could say 'I happily helped X out on lots of occasions, but because of her complaints about the way I was looking after her children, I felt unappreciated and that it was better not to offer help that she clearly didn't like anymore' '

I totally agree. IME, people get the measure of such people quickly enough. There was someone like this in our area, usually hitting up people for monetary favours. We all fell for it at one point or another, although sadly people 'loaned' her far more than they could afford to lose, which they did. I was bitten in the arse for a fiver or so. Finally, everyone had the measure of her and she left the area.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 13/01/2015 17:37

Hullo everyone,

Thank you to everyone who reported this thread to us. Can we all give you a gentle nudge towards our talk guidelines - particularly to the bit about troll hunting? We've no reason to believe the OP isn't genuine, or a re-hashing of that one about lifts, so leave it aaahhhht Smile

Andrewofgg · 13/01/2015 17:47

Yes Miss!

Jill2015 · 13/01/2015 17:53

I wouldn't worry about being bad mouthed, as I would say most people would very quickly realise why the arrangement came to an end, especially if they are the next ones to be hit upon, to provide free childcare.

pluCaChange · 13/01/2015 18:04

I take 2 children from DS's class to their on-site club so the parent (in one case) doesn't have to come in, and no childminder is needed for the 5 minutes (in the other case). The children are nice, DS gets to chst with them out of class, the parents are nice people, and I csn tell them no if I need to. That is hoe these arrangements are MEANT to work!

(oh, and I had a "thank you present" at tge end of last term)

Mocheenee · 13/01/2015 18:21

pluCaChange - why is the 5 minutes of cover needed? Surely the school ferries them from class to the after school club? That is how it works at my DD's school. You are lovely for helping these parents - it just seems an odd thing to have to cover - am i confused ?

ChocolateWombat · 13/01/2015 18:49

I suspect that a parent is able to arrive 5 mins after pick up time to take their kid home but cannot get to the school for finish time. Perhaps the spotter isn't sending them into the after school club, but just holding onto them for 5 mins until the parents get there.

ChocolateWombat · 13/01/2015 18:51

Mochenee - yes you are right, it does seem odd, on second reading.
What is the point of a club which begins 5 mins after school ends and requires a parent or other outside adult to come in for 5 mins and transport the children to it? Surely the club is there because parents CANNOT be there.