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Original poster

To tell my friend I don't want to look after her DC's anymore

790 replies

evmil · 12/01/2015 13:51

I have a friend who has a full time job and quite unreliable childcare (she has aupairs but has quite a high turnover of them). She has three boys, one the same age as my DS(4) and two school age (7 and 10) and when her normal childcare falls through she asks me. Her aupair left just after christmas so since the start of term i have had her kids before school and after school Monday thru to Friday.

I looked after her kids for her yesterday as she said she needed to catch up on work. They were supposed to be here from 9 until 12ish but didn't leave until quarter past 7 last night. I was annoyed as I was supposed to be taking DSS3 somewhere but couldn't and he had to get a cab in the end and was late (DH is away so couldn't take him - i did tell her this).

Anyway, i got a text last night at about half 8 from said friend telling me she wasn't happy. I had apparently filled her kids up with junk food (we make milkshakes and biscuits and they got to try some and i sent some home with them), hadn't given them a proper dinner, they had jacket potatoes, which meant they were going to bed hungry, and I had let them play with the nerf guns and they had a go on the x-box (none of which she was happy with). She finished the text with 'i thought i could trust you to look after my boys'

I was really upset but just replied with 'perhaps it is best then if you get someone else to look after them', she didn't reply but i assumed this meant i wouldn't be having her kid anymore, but at quarter past 7 this morning she turned up at my house with them and said I'm not happy about yesterday but I am willing to give you another chance!! I didn't say anything as i didn't want to upset the boys but seriously!!

Like I said I enjoy having her kids and i know she is stuck for childcare but she doesn't pay me and i feel really under appreciated (i don't expect money, a thank you would be nice though!)

WIBU to tell her i don't want to look after her kids again because of her behaviour?

OP posts:
LeoandBoosmum · 13/01/2015 18:54

Can't read this thread but your original post 'she said she's willing to give me another chance'! You need to tell her very bluntly that you are giving her until Friday to make other arrangements, that from Monday onwards the former 'arrangement' is over... Be resolute and clear.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/01/2015 18:59

She's Willing to give you another chance.!!!.
WTF does she think she is. You're not her fan club. You have your own dcs to look after, and to not even get a thank you that's beyond piss taking.

Original poster
evmil · 13/01/2015 19:00

Just wanted to date everyone to say her DH has just been round with Flowers and an apology. He wasn't aware of the text messages until this morning and understands why i didn't want to look after the boys anymore

Anyway, without getting into too much detail they are struggling quite a bit; his job is very insecure and they have a lot of debts/things on finance to pay off and my friend is struggling in general and is very stressed out about the prospect of what will happen if he does loose his job (i wasn't aware of any of this before)

He was genuinely really nice about the whole thing and has invited my DS round to their house on Saturday saying it would be a shame if this stopped them playing together, which I'm happy about

I am still upset about what happened and what was said but at least i do understand it a bit more now

And thanks everyone for all the messages and ideas Flowers

OP posts:
ElphabaTheGreen · 13/01/2015 19:05

Well he sounds a decent sort.

I'm sorry she's stressed, but seriously...

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 19:05

No more than you deserve OP! Glad the boys will be friends still as I know you like them.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 13/01/2015 19:09

Op, in the nicest possible way, it's very possible that they're playing you. Hard to know though.

I think if I were you I'd be tempted to act like all is forgiven but slowly remove yourself from this situation, if possible. If they overreact next time you need to rearrange care, then you'll know that that they are playing you. Genuine people would make an effort to not rock the boat.

Good luck!

pictish · 13/01/2015 19:10

I don't think being stressed has anything to do with it, and to me, it explains nothing because the two things are not related.

She had the audacity to rudely complain about what her kids were getting fed at your house, while you were looking after them out of the goodness of your heart!

i got a text last night at about half 8 from said friend telling me she wasn't happy. I had apparently filled her kids up with junk food (we make milkshakes and biscuits and they got to try some and i sent some home with them), hadn't given them a proper dinner, they had jacket potatoes, which meant they were going to bed hungry, and I had let them play with the nerf guns and they had a go on the x-box (none of which she was happy with). She finished the text with 'i thought i could trust you to look after my boys'

No amount of stress makes someone behave like that to a friend.

they had jacket potatoes, which meant they were going to bed hungry

No one was stopping her from giving her own kids something to eat. Confused

No - she's a prick...however her husband may try to explain it all away with rubbish.

littleleftie · 13/01/2015 19:10

None of that excuses them dumpig their kids on you day after day for no pay, being shitty with you and their overall horrific level of entitlement.

Please don't get sucked back into this again, not even for one day. They have such a fucking nerve!

notnaice · 13/01/2015 19:12

Don't fall for it. Don't fall for it. Be sympathetic by all means but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She's cut her nose off to spite her face. I repeat, do not fall for it. No I'll shout again. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

pictish · 13/01/2015 19:15

It is true that stress can make people snap inappropriately, yes.
Does it explain the texts whereby she makes clear that she fully expects you to cater for her children for hours as she sees fit, even though you are repeatedly doing her a favour? Does it fuck!

Don't be a mug.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/01/2015 19:16

It gets worse!!

SHE should have been the one coming round with flowers and an apology!!

Do not, not, NOT be taken in by this!! I'm pretty sure they probably think you're a soft touch and the flowers will make everything right again. They are just biding their time and before you know it they'll be asking to you to look after the children again.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 19:17

DO.NOT.FALL.FOR.THIS!

Do not.

Because it is a) NOT your problem b) zero excuse for going off at you not once but twice c) no excuse for not sorting out childcare for their own fucking kids!

How does everyone else do it? Do you do this to other people? No, you don't, so why is it acceptable to take it in return?

It's not. 'Thanks for the apology. I wish the best of luck in things, but I will not provide childcare any further.'

And end it.

pictish · 13/01/2015 19:18

Besides anyway...he was dispatched for damage limitation means (you go and talk to her please) - hoping you'll be docile enough to eventually forgive and forget, and go back to looking after their kids for free.

If she was a friend, and actually sorry, it would have been her at the door.

tiggytape · 13/01/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/01/2015 19:19

"If she was a friend, and actually sorry, it would have been her at the door."

Exactly.

hmc · 13/01/2015 19:20

So he apologised but she didn't!

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 19:21

Do you accept that childcare for your son is your responsibility? That you owe it to him to make sure it is as secure and routine as possible? Yes, you do. Their debts and financial problems are no excuse to use you as free childcare and be unappreciative and shit about and not pay for it.

Original poster
evmil · 13/01/2015 19:22

Just to clarify, i don't think her husband expects childcare (they are at the after school club now anyway) and even if he did i wouldn't do it. I am happy for their DS to play with mine but i don't want the three of them over at my house anymore because i don't trust her to pick them up when she says she will.

The messages she sent and general ungratefulness did upset me and there is no way I'm looking after her children again, I'm not that easily won over trust me.

Anyway, as soon as DH finds out about the messages i don't even think friend or her partner will be welcome on the doorstep; he is going to be fuming about the whole thing.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 13/01/2015 19:23

Nooooo ... she's playing you like a violin. Don't fall for it.

KillmeNow · 13/01/2015 19:24

Sounds very much like good cop/bad cop to me.

By all means let your Ds's keep up their friendship but please dont get conned into resuming the childcare arrangements. If you feel like wavering just remind yourself of the extra long text

She then replied how difficult i was being, i was selfish, her poor kids ect (it is literally the longest text i have ever seen) that finished with 'well actually, it probably is for the best. I wasn't comfortable with them going to your house anyway because i have heard stories about DSS1 and his friend (who lives with us) and i think they are a bad influence'!!!!

Just keep on being selfish and reserve your care for people who appreciate it.

littleleftie · 13/01/2015 19:25

Just you wait evmil they are sucking you back in.

I wouldn't ever see or speak to the bitch again after the way she has treated you.

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 19:27

Glad to see your latest post OP, stay strong.

pictish · 13/01/2015 19:27

After Saturday when all is forgiven, they will probably both be very shocked if normal service doesn't resume.

I agree. They think you're a pudding, and that flowers and a good will invite will get things back on track.
There's an expression for this sort of behaviour and I cannot for the life of me remember what it is....

Violettatrump · 13/01/2015 19:28

She should have apologised, not him!!

At the end of the day it's their choice to be silly and live beyond thier means, it doesn't mean its ok to take advantage of you.

Lweji · 13/01/2015 19:28

Make sure you don't show up to pick up your DS before 7pm on Saturday.

And ask what he had for dinner.

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