to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

Their wedding day IS booked. Your DD's party isn't. It's that simple. She got there first. I'm really, really quite sure she hasn't done this on purpose. I doubt she gave your and your DD a second though quite honestly - why would she? No-one deliberately dashes out and visits a venue and books it there and then purely to thwart a kids' party on a different day 300 miles away. Look, this is mildly annoying but hardly the end of the world. Book your DD's party for the week after, which is equally close to her actual birthday. It's unrealistic to do a surprise party anyway, she will want to pick her own dress and guest list etc. There is plenty of time for the important people to get to both parties without a problem.

And please note I said THEIR wedding day - not her wedding day. Where is the man in all of this and why are you not directing any of your anger at him? After all, he is the one who is connected to your family, not her! Does he have no tongue in his head? Because it sounds as though your DD's party is not much of a priority for him either unsurprisingly.

Also, you clearly don't like this woman at all so why are you even worrying about whether or not your children are invited to her wedding? Why are you even going to go to her wedding?

When the invitation comes just say 'No thanks, too busy that week what with DD's Sweet Sixteen coming up and everything.'

OK, we're talking about 2 separate families here, with a 16th in one and a wedding in the other. Looks as if on this occasion that the families will have to celebrate their own events and not each others. It is nigh on impossible to avoid clashes like this.

Oh my God. That wouldn't be someone talking some straightforward common sense there, would it?

Yes, your SILIL does not sound like a Nice Person to intentionally book her wedding knowing that you are planning a family occasion the same date, knowing that a) birthdays cant be moved and b) family cant afford to do both

I really don't understand what the issue is here. If the events are held one week apart then anyone who travelled 300 miles to get to the wedding will have ample time to get back again. I'm not sure where expense come into it at all. Each set of in laws/family friends will either live near the bride and groom, or live near the birthday girl. No-one will need to pay out a lot of money or to travel any great distance twice and we must assume they were always prepared to spend the money on travelling once. It doesn't make any sense at all.

Also, if I were planning my wedding, of all the important factors to be taken into account, the as-yet-unbooked-and-unconfirmed birthday party of a girl I barely know and hardly ever see, who lives 300 miles away who is not related to either me or my fiance would not exactly be a major factor in my decision making. I don't think that would make me a particularly horrible or unreasonable person.

sorry but you sound ridicoulous .1 there is no such thing as second inlaws .they are your inlaws friends . 2 you are not even having the party on your daughters birthday ..3 saying well the son likes her makes them sound about 15 not grown adults .the bottom line is they are not your family they are your friends and if they only want nieces and nephews thats up to them .as long as her grandparents and friends are there your daughter will not care .do you not realise how childish you sound .if i was other family YOU would not be getting an invite to wedding either .

Book it the weekend before or after, if you book it now you shouldn't have trouble finding a place even with graduation parties (early for graduation in the middle of May...??) If it is a week before or after the GPs and other family should be able to travel if they want to, even if it is tiring for them. They have five months to save up.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU, since the bride to be in question was fully aware of your plans and you appear to all be quite close.

However if it were me I'd just have the party when you planned to, minus the people who can't attend because they're at the wedding. That way you won't have to attend the 'show' wedding that you're clearly not keen on. And to be honest I would have thought that at 16 your dd would prefer to have her friends there rather than family, and us old enough to understand that people can't be there as they're at a wedding 300 miles away.

In other words, just carry on and ignore the wedding.

I think YABU I'm afraid. I know sweet sixteen parties are a big deal in the US, but you had earmarked Memorial Day weekend for the party. Everyone goes to the beach or travels for Memorial Day weekend anyway and it is a very very popular wedding date because guests have the monday to travel home. Even if I knew of a clash I would have done the same as she did because it maximises the chances of guests who live further away being able to make my wedding. It is also the first day you are allowed to wear white.

Maybe I am reading too much into my own experience but none of my friends in high school had a sweet sixteen or a quinceañera. I know this is not really relevant but it is another reason I think wedding trumps sweet sixteen. Just change the date and the people who want to come will make it happen.

I can see why you would be peeved and disappointed but I think apoplectic is way too far.

Surely the only people that might be considered essential are the girl's grandparents, and it would put them in a bit of a dilemma, after all a wedding of very good friends who are practically like family would trump a sixteen year old's birthday party for me, even if it was my granddaughter. But I'm quite sure your the girl won't even care so long as she has her own teenaged friends there. It's all about them, not the olds!

Weekend after sounds good to me. Dont see the problem. Think your dd prefer her friends at the party rather than family. Do someone on the day. Whats a sweet 16 party. Is it just a birthday party, prom etc

Thumbwitch
musical - the DD can't attend the wedding at all - she's under 18 and all under 18s have been banned (with the possible exception of the OP's nephews/nieces)
You're right, I forgot that part.

A sweet sixteen party is just a party celebrating the girl being 16 years old. My mom didn't know how to throw fun parties, other than Tupperware type parties, and mine (at home and only a handful of people) was boring. A friend brought some older guys who brought beer and my step-dad told them no alcohol, so everyone left, including me. It was nothing like what you see on tv, and no relatives were there except for my brother. (and parents in another room) No special food, I think my mom made sandwiches, and put some snacks out, probably had a cake, but don't remember, no pictures were taken.

Also, my friends parents had a similarly dull sweet 16 for my friend. They rented a hall, had a record player (this was the 70's) with no extra speakers, so it was just the record players volume for the large, echoing hall they rented. Balloons, and cake, and a table with pop and chips (crisps) similar to my mom, but no sandwiches. My friend had the foresight to invite a cute boy for "My Escort". A few people danced, but not many. It was like 30 people in a big drab, dim, boring room. At 9 or so, the birthday girl and I, and our "escorts" went to BG's home and ordered pizza.
So no dh or hired teams or hired persons to keep the party up! Not even a disco ball!
Keep in mind neither my friend nor I came from wealthy families, or had party animal mothers. Let it be said, my friend did like her party, and tearfully hugged her parents to thank them. Her's was a surprise, she thought she was picking me up from the building, where I waited outside, then "realized" that my handbag was inside.

PS. The reason I had an escort, (her boyfriends bf is, I had moved away a year earlier, and was invited to stay for the week-end. The next day we went with the boys and stayed at her bf's house as his parents were away, and we had a "real party". The boy and I hit it off and went out a few times, and remained friends for several years.

I will stop posting now.

I am so sorry, to post again, but up 2 posts, I meant to type "No dj", not DH, and "hired dance teams" or "hired party people". If you don't have them in the UK, they are just professional guests who know how to get people up dancing and having fun.
I saw them on those Party Mama programs.

'Professional guests' for a teenager's birthday????? I've heard it all now.

So do boys get a "Sweet Sixteen" party too? Or is this yet another of those disgustingly sexist things Americans like to do to shame women and deny them their sexuality (like the Father-daughter dances, the whole chastity/purity thing etc.)

Sorry professional guests!!!!!! What are they? Are the real guests not pretty, handsome, witty, intelligent (put whatever you what here) enough. Never heard of this. How do you get into this. Have dress (not designer im afraid does that matter), will travel for free wine and food if you pay me. Cant promise to be pretty, handsome, witty or intelligent though....

Had such things existed in my teens, I would probably have had a 'Sour Sixteen' party, with all of the guests wearing black and staring at our 18-hole Docs as we swayed grudgingly to the Jesus and Mary Chain.

The professional guests I saw (on tv) were pretty cool, dressed trendy, energetic, be an excellent job to have I bet. They were great dancers and gave the place a fun atmosphere. Blended in with the guests easily. As of these people are wealthy. Most people do as the OP is doing, friends and family, just a good (normal) party like any teenager would have. Don't think those tv Party Mama's rep the USA, they really don't. The choose extreme people for interest, on TV.

I did not consider my mil's friends children's birthdays when I booked my wedding. Why on earth would they. This thread is so bizarre

This

Also, how could the bride 'win' in this situation s even if she had chosen a date a week before it a week after you're proposed b' day party, surely the problem of family not being able to afford to attend both parties would still have existed. YABVU and I hope 6 hours sleep will be enough to bring you to your senses

I thought the OP said that the reason she cant move her dds party is due to non refundable deposits already been paid.
If you really don't like this person who's wedding it is, don't go, focus on your DD, have her party with her friends and whatever family decides to attend. Make it more of a friend than a family thing?

FWIW I'd be really pissed off if someone did this to me/ my dd but there isn't a lot you can do. Just let it go and move on

At midnight on the day I turned sixteen I was on a bus headed downtown to see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time Unfortunately that option isn't available here, she'd love it.

aprilanne "sorry but you sound ridicoulous .1 there is no such thing as second inlaws ."

I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous to you but my second inlaws would be very surprised to hear your declaration, seeing as how they introduce my DH as son and me as DIL at group functions, their grandchildren call me Aunt Merry and him Uncle MrMerry, etc. I call both my MILs Mom, which they suggested...so yes, in a family where the parent-couples have been best friends since before the first child was born and remained so for forty-plus years, there can indeed be second inlaws. I'll grant you it's not the usual go - as a matter of fact when DH and I had been dating a while I screwed up my courage and finally asked him if they were two couples or "ALL a, um, couple, if you get my drift like" and he laughed and said no, two couples, no mixing, just friends.

I'd move the party out a couple weeks into June and re book. There I solved the problem.

Squinkies, that's what I'm looking at doing. I'm going to give up the 'surprise' bit, check with PILS as to a ballpark figure of when is good for them to come out (am sure they'll have to ration time off and money after having attended the wedding), then when I know that I'll ask DD to poll the friends she'd like to be there, and find out the date when the most people can attend. I suspect it'll be late June at the earliest, but the important thing is the party and making her feel celebrated.

I talked to my DM last night and while DH is miserable and stuck at the wedding, I'll take the kids to Cincinnati where she lives and they'll get some Grandma, Uncle and Niece time.