to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

Won't you have invited your daughter's friends? Surely a few members of your MIL's best friend's family won't be too missed.

You'd be overstepping your mark to rant at 'MIL2' for this, as well.

It's 'apoplectic', not 'apopleptic'.

and I think you're overreacting.

Well you could be sensible about this and just have the party and not go to the wedding of the person you hate.

Or you could be all American MTV style about it and book the brides venue for the day before. Invite all her guests plus flying out your DDs home friends via helicopter. Spend $$$$$$$ on decorating the venue.

I'm talking unicorns in the foyer, a champagne chandelier fountain and a performance by Miley Cyrus here.

Then dress your DD in an exact copy of the brides dress and get your party on.

This is a 16yo and the wedding is no-under-18s.
It is absolutely not the case that 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!! - the people she would most want to attend will be 16/17 year olds who she knows and sees regularly. Not older relatives from 300 miles away.
YABU. This is not a big deal.

Carry on as you were and organise the party as you planned. Those that really want to come will come, those that don't won't. Sorted.

Ooh OP are you prepared for the anti-USA replies you're about to get?

Can we not call the bride Bridezilla please? Its very over used and should be reserved for proper crazy shananigans, not taking your future in-laws friends daughter's birthday party into account when booking your wedding on a different day does not count as Bridezilla ish behaviour

Oops, i missed that mil2 was because she is not in fact your mil.

This thread is hilarious :)

This is the son of a friend of your MIL? YABU.

Hey OP - Sweet Sixteen is not something that happens in the UK. In the US it can be a BIG thing. Think 21st birthday party for a comparison in terms of planning and cost.

Rude of her. No doubt.

Fraid you're stuck with reorganising or just having a party with her friends attending and you NOT going to The Show. Think of it this way - you've a great reason not to attend the wedding!

Then organise a nice family dinner for the DD the week after.

Talk about mountain out of a molehill. YABU, just keep the party as it as and the important people will come.

As a side note, do 16 yr olds really want Granny and Grandad and their best mates at their party?! My DD is turning 14 next week and she's mortified that her mother will even be in the house at the same time as her friends.

Can we not use the Royal we please?

Don't use Bridezilla if you don't want to, but please don't try and dictate to the rest of us. I will use the term if I so wish.

Haha
I can't work out if Yabu or if it's just massive cultural differences that make no sense here.

But it's safe to say you are going uphill trying to get English posters to side with you over a clash of birthday party with wedding of a family friends son.

Also a little about how it's the poor woman's fault (that she isn't taking into account her fiancées, mothers friends, granddaughters party...) not the man, who presumably has at least met your daughter.

Seems very OTT.

Choose another weekend or go ahead and forget about the other family. Would your DD want them at her party?

Do 16 year olds want all old family at a party? I thought a party was for them and friends? I can't imagine family being that thrilled about having to go to a 16 year olds party

Chill

Family - go to wedding
Party - invite friends. You can stay at party as don't like the people getting married anyway

I did not consider my mil's friends children's birthdays when I booked my wedding. Why on earth would they. This thread is so bizarre.

Drip feeds. There will be drip feeds.

I think the bride will have more important things on her mindthan the date of a 16 year old's birthday party. You both sound hard work tbh. So there is always going to be fireworks and sense of grievance. Just do your own thing if you're not prepared to change dates and leave it up to people which they attend. Slapping people round the chops. You sound a real charmer!

I agree with the majority. It sounds as though she's deliberately made her wedding date clash with the sweet sixteen, which is unpleasant and obviously all about the back story. I'm not surprised you're annoyed.

BUT you haven't committed or paid for anything for the sweet sixteen, have you? And the date can be moved?

Move it, don't go to the -horrendous-sounding-- wedding, and get on with your life.

American. Sweet 16 party Some of us have had teenage dds addicted to trashy tv shows about kids pestering parents to out compete each other for this major life event . Bonkers. You are posting on a UK website so I would be very surprised if you got any response that was not a variant on "get a bloody grip woman it's only a birthday party"

We are still trying to hold the line against this one having lost the battle to tick or treating and proms for 'graduating' from high school

I can see this thread running and running...

This is completely bonkers. yabvu. A kids party can be moved about, just have it another week and stop moaning.

Move it to the weekend after her birthday rather than the one before - even if it was an equivalent 18th/21st birthday in the UK, I would not expect a grandparents close friends DIL to be to consider my childs birthday arrangements when setting their wedding date. Or just leave it on the same date - your PIL come to the birthday, her PIL go to her wedding. Sorted.

If my prospective in-laws told me about their good friends grand-daughters 16th birthday I too would say "how nice" and wonder why on earth they were telling me. She probably didn;t even register the date or why she should care about it.

Do you think she even cares whether your in-laws go to her wedding?