to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

YANBU to be disappointed that you won't be able to have the birthday party you wanted for your DD.

But YABU to get quite so worked up about the fact that someone has booked her wedding for the day after her fiance's parents' friends' granddaughter's birthday.

The fact that none of you like her (and by the sound of things she doesn't like you either) is not the minor backstory -- it's the vast majority of the story. If you all liked each other there would be no issues here.

In your position (and I'm imagining myself into the "sweet 16 parties are important" mindset here) I think I'd just go ahead with the party as planned and not go to the wedding. You don't like this woman AND you had a prior engagement for the wedding date AND her inlaws know that you had that prior engagement AND your children aren't invited anyway -- so there's no way (a) you should want to go to the wedding, or (b) anyone should expect you to cancel your party in order to go to it (although I must say from a personal perspective I would be sad not to hear the update posts about it afterwards as it sounds... extraordinary ).

Have the big party at the venue planned. All your DD's friends will be able to attend. All your local family friends will be able to attend. Some part of your family will be able to attend. Push the boat out for a big night. Then (if some of the 300-mile-away family can't/choose not to come) arrange a smaller/more intimate family dinner with them at a later date. Play on the idea of your DD being all grown up now so you're having a grown-up family celebration.

I agree with Quint, I doubt your daughter is that important to them.

How do you know the fiancée isn't pregnant? Are you her doctor?

But what about the bride's vocal performance, people?!

Or it's the grooms fault. We never blame them enough. In fact I'm going to go with this one - he was worrying about costs that were escalating out of control, heard about his mother's best friend's granddaughter's birthday and thought perfect that'll cut the guest list down straight away. Then he sweetly mentioned it to his bride to be (possibly knowing she'll take the rap for it seeing as no one likes her anyway). "You know what would be the perfect date and place for our wedding darling..."

ASunnyTiger You win the internet for the funniest comment I have read today!

Why are you actually apoplectic about not being able to make the wedding of your parents friends son? Why do you think your children should be invited? Why would these people even want to come to your daughters Sweet 16? Why not just focus on actual family, and your daughters friends for her party, rather than the friends and family of your own parents?

Sounds utterly bizarre to me.

It's a surprise party for your daughter - she doesn't know about it yet or maybe mightn't want it?

I think you're over reacting slightly - I know how tight holidays are in the US so surely it would also make sense for the couple getting married to also chose the same weekend.

Oh and my husband sang at our wedding, albeit slightly drunk and with a band as did his dad, a few friends and maybe some other relatives - I'm assuming that's a vocal performance :), quite the done thing in my neck of the woods

Well, I think the OP should go to the wedding, and post afterwards about how the bride serenaded the groom at the altar with a fully-miked-up Maria Carey-style rendition of 'I Will Always Love You', complete with full-throated whoops and vibrato, while the nine bridesmaids did a choreographed dance number in the aisle.

Or maybe the bride is already grimly forcing the groom to practise lifts as they prepare to do the last dance sequence from Dirty Dancing...

I know this is off on a tangent but how have they managed to book a 'showy' wedding venue on Memorial Day weekend this year at just a few months' notice?

In the UK you'd probably have to book that about five years in advance.

And not to mention how they have organizeds "nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be" in such a short time.

I'm quite regretting that I didn't serenade my guests with a vocal performance now......it could have taken the attention away from DH vomming in the middle of the wedding

I think that the OP is possibly sleep deprived and nto thinking clearly, after all who suddenly realises that its 4am on a Sunday night/Monday morning?

for when you do wake up OP YABU.....I didn't consider my MIL's best friends daughter when planning my wedding.

OP is in the US. I think (basing my knowledge purely on John Hughes films) that turning 16 has more significance there than it does here.

However, I'm really confused about the rest. Date-stealing couple are not a relatives or even soon to be? So why would everyone your daughter would want to be celebrating her birthday, be at the wedding? Wouldn't they all be her schoolfriends etc?

At the age of 16 I'd much rather have spent it with my friends than older relatives. No offence to my lovely relatives, but I was a teenager, and so thought that older people were boooooooring.

If you all don't like her don't go?I wouldn't have wanted people who didn't like me at my wedding.

I was wondering just how on earth this devilish daughter of a mother in law's friend managed to go out and arrange ALL that, in one day as well. Alone. DH to be or his parents no idea about any of it. Hmmm.

Also, i have to say i think it's a little rich for someone who is setting so much store by a 'Sweet Sixteen' party, which family friends are expected to travel 30 miles for, to mock a bride and grooms wedding arrangements as being OTT. So what if she want to sing at her wedding? Twice even!

OP you sound deranged, get a grip.

The risk of being unsympathetic to the OP is that she'll be less likely to come back with a report of how the wedding went. This is the most important point and I think people are losing sight of it.

My MIL's friends daughter couldn't make our wedding as she was travelling. I couldn't have cared less. MIL's best friends daughter gets married in July, 2 days after our baby is due so we can't go. Still couldn't care less.

YABU and selfish. The correct thing to do would be to have your dd's party another time and go to the wedding and then report back here I am rubbing my hands together in glee at the thought of the bride's vocal show.

Is it the norm in the US to refer to your MIL's friends as MIL2?

Are you serious? You think that a bride chose her wedding date to deliberately upstage her parents' friends' granddaughter's birthday meal? Okaaaay.

Guess what OP, the world doesn't revolve around you and your daughter. I'm sure there are many reasons why she may have chosen that date, and I doubt very much that your daughter was a factor.

So your parent in laws, friends, sons, fiancée. She obviously does not get the huge family connection and hence didn't care what date you booked.

How many people are likely to be invited to both?

But in general you need to get a grip.

OP have the party on a different date. And don't force yourself to attend the wedding, you can choose to stay home as that is on your daughters birthday.

Bloody hell, Americans are off their trolley!

Are you having one of those MTV sweet sixteens where the birthday girl flies in in a helicopter and a hiphop artist who I've never heard of performs via video link?

Are you going to buy her a BMW and do it up with ribbons and make all her friends look on as you present it to her outside the party venue?

If not, why not?

I'm still trying to work out who MIL2 is!!!