to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

RiverTam I'm glad! Now please just don't kill me with your mind.
Kewcumber The nine that she'd be without are MIL, FIL, MIL2, FIL2, Aunt L and Uncle D, Aunt M and Uncle G plus wee nephew Harry.

And I've realised that I made a spelling mistake in the post title and that is going to bother me forever. I would just like it known for the record that I actually do know it's correctly spelled 'apopleCtic' and I plead sleep deprivation as my excuse!

I was going to ask if boys have sweet sixteens as well. DS1 is nearly 15 and it would be his definition of torture (painfully self conscious and very introverted). Perhaps I can bribe him to work hard for his GCSEs by threatening to hold one for him if he doesn't knuckle down.

Won't your in-laws prioritise their grandchild over their friend's daughter?

Won't your in-laws prioritise their grandchild over their friend's daughter?

I'm interested to find this out too. Surely no matter how close this family is to to them, they'll do the right thing and attend your daughter's 16th birthday party instead. That's what the issue would be for me, personally.

Well, assuming that it's a cosy family event like you say rather than a foofy rave, where they'd presumably feel out of place, that is.

Inertia, unfortunately they can't, their friends are the parents of the groom, who is as close to a son to them as one can be without actual genetics. There would be hurt feelings if they came out here, and I completely understand and don't want to put them in that kind of position.

In the US, I hear less about boys having a bigger sixteenth birthday party than usual, and I doubt any of them would put up with a "sweet" sixteen (which makes me think, hrm, maybe the sweet sixteen is a little bit sexist and I should re-frame DD's party as just a sixteenth birthday party). Here, it's mostly that sixteen is the minimum legal age for driving so more to celebrate than 15 or 17 - there's a biggish party again for eighteen (voting age, legal adulthood) but as the drinking age for everything, even beer, in all states is 21 that's where the giant piss-up happens.

(And don't even get me started on how a young adult at 18 can participate in electing our government, or join the military, be issued a rifle and sent overseas to kill on behalf of the government, but s/he can't even purchase so much as a beer. It's ridiculous and all down to Mothers Against Drunk Drivers IMO. I think the voting, military enlistment, legal adulthood and drinking age should be all the same, no matter what the number.)

One a side note, is it "froofy " in the UK or am I getting confused with "frou frou"?

Frou frou or Poofy

Look www.halodress.co.uk/big-poofy-prom-dresses/

forwarding Mon 12-Jan-15 17:03:08

One a side note, is it "froofy " in the UK or am I getting confused with "frou frou"?

Ah

Frothy? Toothy? LouLou?

Boofy? Like a big old meringue dress or Princess Margaret (RIP) hair?

Ah... From 'Bouffant'... The French for ' classy as fuck'

Will everyone stop talking about "SS parties"....It's not Prince Harry!

You know he thinks we have all forgotten about that.

Woah! Hold the phones. How did I miss there's going to be choreographed dance routines and vocal performances?

I really want to go to this wedding.

Well I'm sorry but this as-close-as-son-without-sharing-genes just decided to pick the date you already announced for their granddaughters' party. If he's upset they can't make his wedding, he should suck up the deposit and have a big chat with his fiancé instead of expecting your inlaws to drop their granddaughters sweet 16 party.

Unfortunately the other family clearly don't see you and your daughter as virtually family, nor do they care about avoiding hurting your daughter's feelings.

Agree with umizoomi and inertia. Something to think about OP while everyone is rushing round trying not to offend the other family. Your date was announced first to the bride and groom and their family then they decided to get married on that day and your daughter gets dropped by her grandparents

I would expect her grandparents to say to the friends oh no what a shame I can't go to the wedding did you not remember the date of the party...or words to that effect.

Choreographed dances & vocal performances from the bride...........

...sounds like the final episode of Him & Her!

Trouble is that the Nearly-but-not-really ILs can't exactly control their son's fiancée's choices, can they! And they can hardly ditch their own son's wedding. So the real dilemma is for the Actual-ILs - Nearly-but-not-really son's wedding, or Actual Granddaughter's birthday (quite important in the US really) party.
And you know, I do also agree that the Actual ILs should think this through carefully - I know they don't want to upset their besties, but why would they prefer to upset their DGD?

I do think that you should drop the surprise aspect, OP, and talk to your DD about how best to manage it. Are you sure you'll be getting an invitation to the wedding? Just because you have a "save the date" card, doesn't mean anything apparently! There have been a few threads on here where someone has had a STD card and not then had the invitation. Bad form, of course, but happens.

My Sweet Sixteen is a guilty pleasure of mine. I love watching the rich pampered spoilt brats stamp their feet and daddy gets them what they want.

YANBU OP, anyone who is organising a show and singing at their wedding is always the U one.

I would get the party booked at a date before her actual birthday right away, so she can also be able to attend the wedding. (if she wants to, that is).

musical - the DD can't attend the wedding at all - she's under 18 and all under 18s have been banned (with the possible exception of the OP's nephews/nieces)