to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

OP What I'm most aghast about is that you DH your DD father would miss the party to go to the wedding or consider going at all. Does he not care for your DD is she a second class citizen.
There is no way my DH would go to a wedding on his DD birthday.

He is, alas, asked to be a groomsman. He told D (the groom) that he would have to get back to him; he wants to decline based on cost and travel time as, tbh, declining on the basis of DD's party would leave the door open for the "But WEDDING waaaaaaaaaahhhh" argument, whereas if there's no money/time for the necessary travel, there just isn't. He wants to talk to MIL first so she can explain to MIL2 in a way that won't cause hurt feelings, but I think he'll end up staying here. If he does go and spend some ridiculous amount of money I'm going to be giving him quite the face.

I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous to you but my second inlaws would be very surprised to hear your declaration, seeing as how they introduce my DH as son and me as DIL at group functions…...I call both my MILs Mom, which they suggested…

Okay, that's just plain weird.

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

A couple of bottles of white cider for her and her mates should see her alright. Surely that's what any self respecting teenager wants to do on their 16th birthday?

Why do sixteen year olds have to drink cheap cider on their birthday to be happy?

I had a party with friends AND family. And there was no cheap cider involved (my tastes were much sweeter and required WKDs). I just think it's a little off that ageism is rightly jumped on towards older people, but vast, sweeping generalizations about younger people are fine and dandy.

It is perfectly reasonable of him to say 'no, it's our daughters sweet sixteen party that weekend' 'as you well knew, tossers'

Oops should have read properly. Still fine to say no and let them work it out.

MerryChris - how about you go ahead with the party for your dd as planned, and then have a special meal at a later date, with the 9 people who will be missing - so basically she gets two birthday celebrations?

OK, we're talking about 2 separate families here, with a 16th in one and a wedding in the other. Looks as if on this occasion that the families will have to celebrate their own events and not each others. It is nigh on impossible to avoid clashes like this.

This!

Passes OP a grip.You sound borderline hysterical about something which would barely register on most peoples irritation radar.