to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

Artandco it's not even old family, it's old family friends and it sounds like they are not even local.

Completely confused, are Dnephews and nieces your relations or family friends OP? Can your DD not have a perfectly lovely party with 'just' ALL her school friends and her family?

I agree with a PP above, she'll mainly want her 16 year old friends there - could you have this big party for them and then a seperate family party?

I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

loiner you mean these events actually take place over here?

I think it's a cultural thing. We think of it as just another birthday for a teenager, but from what I understand, Sweet Sixteens are very big affairs over there - and this one was going to involve family and friends with the date already earmarked.

FWIW, while I don't like the idea of SS parties and hope to God they don't make their way over here I can understand the OPs POV. Our family is spread across the UK, and family events (including 'big' birthdays) are the very few times we all get together - the teens like this as much as we do because we are very isolated as a family unit. If I had earmarked a certain date for one of their 18ths, told all of the family to keep it free and then one of my cousins went ahead and booked that day for their wedding, without saying anything to anyone - with logistics and costs making it impossible for everyone to attend both, I'd be pissed off.

To be fair, even though a lot of us in the UK don't really 'get' the sweet sixteen thing, it's not THAT hard, is it, to imagine how it would feel if you did get it? I think anyone saying it's 'just a children's party' must be deliberately not getting it.

I presume she chose Memorial day weekend because its most convenient for all her guests.

If she is genuinely spending an absolute fortune (by the sounds of it) on a wedding purely to spike the guns of your surprise party then the woman must have pots of money. Certainly more than sense.

YABU. A the end of the day it's just another birthday (another here who doesn't see the point of a sweet 16) and there will be most likely only be one wedding ever.

quietlysuggests I have a feeling the OP isn't going to accept she is BU anyway...

"2/3 rds of the people she would most want to attend...". Now, is that really true? It seems that the people involved are not family; are you concerned that your actual MIL/FIL and their family will pick the wedding over their granddaughter's party? And if so, will your DD actually be devastated, or is it more about it spoiling the vision you had for the party?

Could you not just solve it by having a party for her friends that day, not attending the Wedding yourselves, and having a tea party with the other relations/friends a few weeks later?

Were you actually expecting people to travel 300+ miles for a sixteenth party? Is this normal in your family set-up, because it sounds unusual.

Op type being ridiculous to get so up a height over this for all the reasons stated, although I understand you being disappointed.

To those saying there's no way her dd can be close to family living 300 miles away though with respect you're talking utter bollocks. It's perfectly possible to be close to people you don't see all the time because of distance. My sons are very close to my parents who live a similar distance away and also with their auntie uncle and cousins who live on the other side of the world. There is this magic thing called phones, and Skype, and planes so you can visit you know?! Plus, I'm a big believe in quality time rather than quantity...

there's obviously going to be real misunderstandings about the importance of your DD's birthday on here, OP. As I understand it, sweet sixteen is a really big deal in the US so knowing that, and if the families are as close as you say, it sounds pretty off. But surely it's not all down to the fiancee, MIL2's DS needs to take some responsibility here as presumably he does known about the 16th party. Seems odd to arrange a wedding the same weekend end another big family do. I can't imagine my cousin, for example, arranging his wedding for the same weekend as my mum's 80th.

Don't know what you can do really. Punchbag seems a cathartic option.

I get you, SirChenjin, I'd probably feel the same as you.

Thing is though, this isn't her cousin. It's the fiancee, of a son, of a close family friend, of her mother-in-law. I don't think in the fiancee's situation I'd be thinking as far afield as OP's daughter. Or anything about OP's family at all.

Quietlysuggests that sounds mysterious...

SirChenjin I do get that, I think, but this is not a cousin, it's the child of DD's grandparents' friends which is very different.

I think the thing we are struggling to relate to is not the Sweet Sixteen cultural difference but how enmeshed the families are.

You seem to have assumed that the Bride booked her wedding on this date purely to antagonise you or steal your thunder. I very much doubt it. Is it possible that the venue/caterers/entertainment they had set their hearts on only had limited availability? Or maybe they have relatives/friends/loved ones coming from out of town who can only do certain dates? Or maybe she simply didn't realise that anyone would expect her to plan her wedding around her future Mother in Law's best friend's Grandaughter's birthday party.

I realise you're upset but I think you need to get this into perspective. We're talking about a child's birthday party. While it may be very important to you, I don't think you can reasonably expect the Bride to attatch the same degree of importance to this party when your DD isn't even a member of her own family. Just have the party another weekend. Please whatever you do, don't call up your MIL's friend and have a go at her as you suggested in your OP. It really isn't her fault and you'll just create a huge amount of awkwardness for both families.

Were you actually expecting people to travel 300+ miles for a sixteenth party? Is this normal in your family set-up, because it sounds unusual

It's not unusual if you have family spread out across the country. These big family events are the few times everyone comes together. Maybe unusual in your family, but not unusual in others....

Agree with patriciaholm in that im sure a 16 year old would probably enjoy a party with her friends more than a meal with older relatives and their friends.

Er don't 16 year olds just want a party with other 16 year olds? and illicit booze

SieChenjin - I do get it 18th birthdays were a big then when I was that age. I had a party with friends and family who came from all over the country. However this isn't a family member deliberately picking the same date.

Perhaps she wanted a public holiday to let everyone make a long weekend of it or because she has family spread around the country. There must be limited public holidays which fall during the nice weather period and limited options available for booking venues for those dates.

I would be amazed if someone managed to agree a date with their DH to be, find a venue that was available, view it and book it within two days of learning that their IL's friends grand-daughters birthday was going to be that weekend.

OP says that it isn't feasable for GP's to come even if its a week later because 300 miles is too far/expensive so what difference would it make if she had chosen the following weekend or the one before. Were they not allowed to get married at all in May.

I think OP is letting her dislike of the bride to be exaggerate the party of her DD in the bride calculations.

Sirchenjin is speaking a lot of sense....

I have bad news for everyone...Sweet Sixteen has started here...

I have a friend with DD's at school in North London. She's shelled out £500 on a 'joint' Sweet Sixteen party for each girl. She says this the 'norm' at both her girls' schools.

Now admittedly they are both at expensive private schools...but beware, beware...

YANBU but to be upset, after all it is an event you and your dd were looking forward to. Regardless of the fact that we don't celebrate sweet 16 in the U.K., surely most people can understand disappointment over a change in plans.

However, I do think you need to get some perspective with this. Surely no matter when you hold an event you estimate about 10% will be unable to attend for whatever reason. And when booking a wedding, there are many more limitations on dates and venues and sometimes availability is scarce for years in advance.

She may have done it on purpose but it does seem like a lot of trouble for her to go to. However I wouldn't put it past someone to be given a list of convenient dates and pick the most awkward one as a happy coincidence, if they are that way inclined.

I would talk to your PIL and say that you are going to hold the party on the planned date, that you are sorry if they feel that they should go to the wedding but this is the date that is most convenient for everyone else involved.

And on the plus side, you won't have to attend the wedding of people you clearly can't stand, making the whole 'no under 18s' issue irrelevant.

I know it's not a cousin as such - but it's the son of her parent's long term friends who are so closely tied to her family that she calls them MIL2 and FIL2, and presumably the family events are shared?

It might be unusual that the families are so enmeshed and we might struggle to understand the SS thing, but I can understand that the OP is pissed off by the way the the couple have gone about the booking.

And on that note I'm heading off because I'm meant to be working. If you see me again tell me to bugger off

It's not unusual if you have family spread out across the country. These big family events are the few times everyone comes together. Maybe unusual in your family, but not unusual in others....

Well yes, and that's why I asked whether it was normal in their family setup. If it's a standard, accepted thing that all the extended relations will travel for this kind of event, and that all the non-relations in DMIL2s family would have come too, then the timing for the wedding is clearly odd. If, on the other hand, OP was just hoping they might, and it's not really the norm for them, it's another story.

I think you can work around it by just moving your DD party, and I think you know that. I would make it well after the wedding so that relatives have got that out the way and aren't distracted by it. Take DD out for a treat and/or give her a present around her actual birthday to mark that, and surprise her by giving her a "ticket" to the party which you will have planned for a couple of weeks later.

I think the reason you are so mad is you know this other women did this on purpose, presumably to commandeer the relatives and all their attention for herself. Whatever. Some people are like that, and if they're a bit like that, they definitely get more like that around their wedding. The best thing you can do is calm down and rise above. You don't want your DD to grow up to be that kind of bridezilla spoilt princess, so show her what being adaptable and good-humoured looks like. I also think if you stay calm and shrug and just move your date, all your relatives/friends will see you as the reasonable one. If you kick off, you're no better than bridezilla.

I would also enjoy catching up with those who went to the wedding so they can regale you with all the details!