to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

But these people aren't even extended family - did you honestly expect them to regard the date of a teenager's surprise birthday party as sacrosanct when it comes to booking a wedding?

I get that you think the bride is a pain in the ass - and the wedding sounds hideous (do people really do choreographed dances? I thought this was a low-rent Youtube phenomenon for dummies) - but surely you don't honestly expect a couple who aren't even related to your daughter to take a birthday date that wasn't even booked for into account? Whether or not you accept the wedding invitation is a separate issue - why go to a day you think will be awful for the marriage of people you don't like?

I misread your references to the non-refundable deposits at first, and thought you had already booked the party and couldn't be refunded, but then realised the non-refundable deposits are for the wedding venue! Why mention this twice? Why do you even know about the deposits? Surely (again) you wouldn't have expected the bride and groom to get a refund if they could, and alter the date, because of your fury over a clash of dates???

Honestly. I've read it all now.

Either hold your daughter's sixteenth birthday party on the date you planned and don't go to the wedding of a woman you clearly despise.

Or change the date of you daughter's party.

Whatever. Just don't have abloodymcardiac arrest over it.

I have a massive pet hate for OTT child free weddings.

I don't think my DDs have ever had family, other than DH and me at their birthday parties. Having to put on best grandparent manners rather than race about with their mates is not what they'd choose at all.

I'd just stay at home and take DD and her best friends out for a nice meal/skating/cinema whatever she likes doing.

yank in uk here.

OP - People get really limited holiday in the US and scheduling an event like this on a weekend where people have more time and as consequence aren't obliged to use up their holiday allowance would make sense, from the bride and groom's perspective. US weddings also generally involve more pre and post events than would be usual in the UK. I am also not sure I've got a grip on the relationships here but it does seem like she shouldn't have been obliged to consider your plans in making her arrangements. I bet she is a drama queen sort of person but still - it's hard to make the case that they should be turning down a long weekend for their event.

Wedding trumps child's birthday party, even if it's something with cultural significance in the US (as I assume that weddings have somewhat greater weight even so).

Move the party, stop blaming a complete stranger for not taking her fiance's parents' friends' grandaughter's teen birthday party into account. Your daughter doesn't want anybody over the age of 18 at her party, least of all her grandparents' friends.

Decide whether or not you want to go to the wedding of somebody so little connected to you.

Get on with your life.

Oh that's a point. Why is it MIL's friend's son's fiancée that is to blame here? Does MIL's friend's son not have a say about his own wedding date?

And why is the type of wedding the couple are planning relevant in the slightest?

And why is the type of wedding the couple are planning relevant in the slightest?

It isn't. OP just wanted us to be clear about the characters of the main protagonists in this drama

Good point flowery
I also agree with the person upthread who doubted whether the couple could have planned the arrangements in a couple of days just to piss the OP off.
I expect that the date was already planned.

sweet sixteen birthdays are massive in America. there are TV shows dedicated to them (yawn)

Well the OP is clearly unreasonable, for all the MIL's sister's friend's daughter bollocks ......but why the actual fuck has no one picked up on THIS....

"more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be"

I'm astounded that within one thread, someone is even MORE unreasonable than someone planning that piece of utter twattery!

Poor OP though, I feel for you waking up to such a YABU pasting...

Yanbu to be a bit sad that a celebration you wanted to plan won't work out as you imagined.

Yabu to be so enraged about plans being made by the family of friends of your PILs though.

There are solutions to your potential dilemmas:

1. If you dislike the bride so much then just don't go (assuming she actually likes you enough to invite you in the first place) so you can still press on with your party plans
2. Embrace the fact that most 16yr olds would love to have all their friends at their birthday party, so it will still be fun
3. Have a separate family celebration for your DD a couple of weeks later

And and @ 'because their son D likes her' in the OP. He only 'likes' his fiancée?! Are you the bride really?!

Were you actually expecting people to travel 300+ miles for a sixteenth party? Is this normal in your family set-up, because it sounds unusual.

Not that unusual surely. 300 miles isn't that far (we used to drive London-Glasfow for a Saturday night out).

If this is real, I assume she has chosen that date precisely so you won't all come to her wedding.

*Glasgow

Oh, the woman getting married sounds ghastly, and so does the wedding, but I think (a) it's a massive leap to think the couple deliberately chose the date so as to clash with the OPs's daughter's birthday party and (b) it's deeply unreasonable to expect people planning a wedding to take into account the birthday party plans of an unrelated teenager who wouldn't be attending the wedding anyway.

And I still think it's odd that the OP keeps mentioning that the couple have booked the wedding with non-refundable deposits - as if she would have asked them to switch the date if the deposits were refundable???

The bride could have done it deliberately. She might have wanted to cut down the guest list but not offend people by not inviting them. Then she hears of this sweet sixteen party and sees her chance - a way to invite people whilst knowing they won't attend, the perfect crime.

Or she had actually already discussed this date, had already intended on this venue, and it's a massive coincidence.

Or it's the grooms fault. We never blame them enough. In fact I'm going to go with this one - he was worrying about costs that were escalating out of control, heard about his mother's best friend's granddaughter's birthday and thought perfect that'll cut the guest list down straight away. Then he sweetly mentioned it to his bride to be (possibly knowing she'll take the rap for it seeing as no one likes her anyway). "You know what would be the perfect date and place for our wedding darling..."

YABU. Wedding planning is hard enough, ensuring catererers, venue, band, key persons, minister all available on the same date. Having to then consider the availability of guests who are not directly related to the B and G is too much to ask. If you have previous plans then decline the invite, give your daughter her party as planned and invite a load of her friends and a cool band instead of a load of relatives who she barely sees anyway. It's her 16th birthday, not This is Your Life!

Good grief, it's not even a significant birthday.

Even my 18th was an evening watching a friend so some Am Dram, off to the pub for half an hour then home to eat a pile of pizzas. I'd have been mortified if a big family fuss was made about it.

Op pls get a grip. A wedding trumps a child's party any day. Fgs they don't owe you anything to discuss their wedding day with you.

Perhaps the bride and groom had other things to consider when planning their wedding day, like important events in the bride's family?

You and your DD aren't family, you aren't obliged to go. This is such a massive over reaction. Calm down and get a bloody grip!

Can I just reiterate that you really shouldn't phone your MIL's friend to complain?

Really, don't. As much as this woman says she dislikes her daughter-in-law, I really don't think it's your place to do that!

Do you really think that this entire wedding show was planned for a popular day JUST to upstage a mere teenager????

Talk of being egocentric.

My guess is bride and groom had long since thought about Memorial w/e and how it woukd mean less holiday could be taken, then 'revealed' this afterwards as a line in the sand. And why not. It's completely irrelevant that op hates the bride. Basically she and fiancé are being blamed for ruining the prospective party of the young daughter of his parents' old friends. Eh??