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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:
saturnvista · 12/01/2015 00:42

I don't know anything about this but I'm so angry and sad for you and your son. In your shoes, I would be calling the police to report my concerns because they will then (hopefully) be obliged to ask the social worker what's being done. People are always so keen to cover their own asses - it might help. I'd certainly not be sending my son there again until there were some answers. Also, what if the social worker simply goes and asks your ex about it? He'd delete the images. The police would go and physically remove the evidence, wouldn't they?

Ohfourfoxache · 12/01/2015 00:52

Baby is there anything that we can practically do to help? Wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. I don't know where you are but if it's of any use at all I'm in NW London/Hillingdon x

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 07:21

The system is a joke, here were having a little boy crying for help, the people who should help are riding roughshod over him. Yes baby, go to the Police, make sure they investigate, and tell them what is happening with Cafcass and the guardian influencing things. They need to treat this independently and investigate.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 07:36

These photos on their own might not be enough, but it's part of a wider picture of abuse that ds is going through, it is evidence, your ds needs to be protected, he is a little boy and cannot be expected to protect himself against an adult. He is being overpowered by him. You go to the police or ring 101, be firm with the SW and tell her this. Make sure she comes and talks to ds again. Fuck the guardian, she does not care one bit about ds, but is only interested in sustaining your ds abuse.

TiredButFine · 12/01/2015 07:37

Log it for sure. 101 and get a reference number.
Email to the SW, even before you speak face to face. That way you have a trail you can refer to if needed and it's hard to deny/ignore if evidence of YOUR concern is needed, let alone the issue of evidence of inappropriate behaviour towards DS.
I'm not familiar with the backstory but demand a multi agency (Section 47?) child protection meeting about this as well. That may get the lawyers involved to stop contact?
Also Flowers for you, how awful

Original poster
babynamechange · 12/01/2015 07:44

Thanks for all your messages. The guardian is no longer officially involved as the proceedings have ended, but I don't know if she's completely out of the picture or not. I do know she told children's services a load of nonsense before she left which was what caused them not to investigate last year (I didn't realise that at the time though) and also caused us a utter nightmare in the summer.....which is why it took so long for DS to actually be spoken to but that's kind of being dealt with atm. It's a very long story and was pretty horrendous. I'm reticent to go into detail as I don't want to be recognised.

Saturn I thought that too. If he gets any warning he'll just delete them
Xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 07:47

Oh good, with that in mind, go back to the police and e mail SW as well as speak to her, make sure they investigate. Now your free of them, hopefully it will make it more easier.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 07:49

Hopefully you have a new SW, police will hopefully investigate, and The guardian is not on the scene, it should make things a lot better. So keep fighting, don't give up, you are your ds voice Flowers

Original poster
babynamechange · 12/01/2015 07:59

Thanks Aeroflot
I just wanted to know I wasn't overreacting... That someone wouldn't come on and say ....oh no that's just harmless, dad probably doesn't understand its wrong, doesn't realise what he's doing, inappropriate but harmless etc etc.... I've just heard so many excuses made for him

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 08:12

No no it's part of a campaign of abuse by your ex, on its own it could be harmless, but it's part of a wide picture of his abuse, is evidence. Your ds does not like it and tells him, it should not be happening, even on its own without the other abuse. You put your foot down, make sure police are told and they investigate, e mail SW and ask for that section 47 child protection, I am sure as part of it they have to gather evidence from ds.

Nolim · 12/01/2015 08:20

Call the sw. Now.

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/01/2015 08:22

Baby there a lot of us who work in and around child protection, ide rather be wrong then not report and regret it. This I would flag straight away.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/01/2015 08:23

Even if there was no back story, Baby, it would still be dodgy Sad

notagainffffffffs · 12/01/2015 08:31

Agree it is a police matter call 101 and social worker first thing so they can take this cunts computer/phone before he gets a chance to react

Makeup822 · 12/01/2015 08:33

As the child is school age see your child protection officer, it will be one of the senior teachers, explain the situstion and they will involve social services and the police in the correct order. You need to inform the school anyway as your child will be displaying other behaviour due to being troubled. The moreinformed the school is the more able they are to help you and your child. They can also get skilled people in to talk to your child because sometimes children sense there are things they cannot talk to their parents about because of the feelings it causes. Hope this makes sense and helps you.

Whatever you do you must take this further as these people do not just stop they are the highest rate of re offenders. I have been a Child Protection Officer in several schools and it is a grim reality the harm that can be done to young children.

Jux · 12/01/2015 08:37

Baby, I remember you and have often wondered how you're doing.

I am so sorry this is still ongoing and your ds is still having to see this vile excuse for a man.

Police on 101. SW.

Thank goodness the awful guardian os no longer officially involved.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 08:56

Make up SS are involved and they are not doing much at all

Original poster
babynamechange · 12/01/2015 09:20

Makeup.. There's a new SW who's been doing safe guarding work with DS. He's made a 'partial' disclosure to her about his dad touching him, but she wants more details and so is going to continue her work with him.
I've spoken to the head teacher at his school this morning and left a message for the SW who is dealing with it to call me back...
Thanks Jux, it actually got a lot worse last summer, just horrendous. But then we got this new SW who started the safe guarding work...and a good person who is dealing with the complaint about how it was initially dealt with..

OP posts:
MildDrPepperAddiction · 12/01/2015 09:26

No. Never ok. Your poor DS. I hope you come through this ok.

I hope they throw the book at his df.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 09:31

If he's taking these indecent images of ds, what other pictures is he taking without ds knowledge. He is a paedophile, what else is he doing? Is he looking at other indecent images of children on the internet? Baby you need to call 101, pictures of your ds like that are not acceptable, but also may be part of the wider picture that they need to investigate, do it today!

Ohfourfoxache · 12/01/2015 09:31

Have to admit, I hope they throw the book not only at this vile piece of shit, but also at every single "professional" who has enabled/willed this to carry on Angry

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/01/2015 09:31

If he has made a disclosure and the SW is involved then things should happen. I think you need to ask the SW whether there will be a hold protection conference and a legal planning meeting. I think they need both. The LA need legal advice to find out their position regarding stopping unsupervised contact.

OliviaBenson · 12/01/2015 09:33

I remember your posts baby and thought about you often. I have no advice- but wanted to add my support. I'm pleased you have contacted the SW. I'd ask their advice about contacting the police.

ApprenticeViper · 12/01/2015 09:46

I lurked on your original thread and it brought me to tears for your poor boy. I can't imagine how frustrated and angry you must be at this system that forces you to send your son to that vile, abusive man every other weekend.

I find it abhorrent that even after all this time, there is still nothing in place that means you can stop contact. Your DS has had to endure this for what, a year? Eighteen months? If it wasn't so tragic it would almost be funny.

Please involve the police immediately, and email your DS's social worker with all the details that you have so far. I hope you get contact stopped as soon as humanly possible, if not sooner.

Wishing you and your DS lots of strength and courage.

ApprenticeViper · 12/01/2015 09:50

Oh, and you don't need some perspective. Your perspective is just fine. What you need is this pathetic excuse of a father for your son to disappear off the face of the earth, and for this country's legal and child protection systems to step up and actually protect your child.

I wish I could do something to help. Damn it, crying again now at the injustice of it all!

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