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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:

Jux · 14/01/2015 21:47

Quite.

Jux · 14/01/2015 21:49

Are you feeling a bit more confident about your instincts, baby? With the support of a good SW I hope you are, or if not, will soon.

CrapBag · 14/01/2015 22:03

Oh Baby I remember your name and thread so well and I never remember any posters names. I have frequently wondered what had happened but given the circumstances didn't think you would post so it is good to hear from you again.

I can't believe this is still going on but at least it does sound as if it is moving in the right direction even if it is ridiculously slow. How is your DS?

If the reverse residency order is no longer applicable, does that not mean you can refuse to send your DS?

Thank goodness that awful and incompetent guardian is no longer involved. What a shame it will be the same judge though. Some of these judges are just not fit for the job and need to be got rid of.

Good luck

BlackeyedSusan · 14/01/2015 22:22

Sorry Baby, just found this thread..

I was thinking about you at the weekend and so hoping that things were moving towards protecting baby ds.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 08:25

SW is doing this keep safe work with ds, I presume this happens regularly, hopefully ds will open up more to her, and tell her of any new abuse himself. If baby was coaching him, surely during that keep safe work, ds would tell SW if mum told him to lie, which its not happening. He is consistantly telling of his abuse. Surely their alarms should go off, if he has told them more than once. He has also told other people, such as baby mum, and the teachers at school. This is not coming from mum, but him. Yes if they have to do keep safe work with ds, surely that this is a little boy that needs protecting from his abuser. No the responsibility should not be on a little boy to keep himself safe. Its like saying that women should take responsibility themselves not to be raped, the onus should be on the abuser, and stopping him.

The guardian is just a nasty piece of work, why should she sabbortage attempts to protect this little boy. She should not be in a job working with children, and should be sacked and prosecuted. The system allows these bad eggs to continue, then when disaster happens, and it comes into the public spot light, then they act, as a way of damage limitation.

Baby did you tell SW that responsibility should not fall on ds to keep himself safe?

Beautifulbabyboy · 15/01/2015 09:26

I have been thinking of you as well. It does seem madness to teach a child what is inappropriate touching without following that up. It seems that every professional has gotten so lost in this case that they are forgetting the basics, and they seem scared to stick their neck out and say enough is enough. Fingers crossed soon someone in authority will have the strength to do that.

Jux · 15/01/2015 11:47

I can't help wondering if your judge is the same one who has just basically given permission for teachers to f*>} their pupils. Wouldn't surprise me.

Andro · 15/01/2015 12:15

Jux - I believe baby's judge is male, the questionable one in the schoolgirl grooming her teacher case is female.

Ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2015 12:26

That in itself is worrying - I feel that this shows that the system is so flawed and bad decisions are so endemic - well, it happens more than any of us would like to believe

Parsley1234 · 15/01/2015 12:26

Sending you love and best wishes baby I have seen incompetence with children and it made/makes me sick to my stomach. Good luck with your new sw it is so incredible your story but sadly due to my experience believable

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 13:24

When I see in the media the utterly appealling decisions made bysome judges and their reasoning, its like they are so detached from reality, they are on another planet to the rest of us. Unfortunately Baby has a bad one, if she had a good judge and ds a very good CAFCASS guardian, the outcome would be so different.

Original poster

babynamechange · 15/01/2015 14:36

Thanks again for all your replies
Jux I've been thinking about your question... It's not so much I don't trust my instincts. I know he gets his kicks out of causing distress, I know he's abusive.. It's more that each incident always seems to get considered in isolation.. So I wonder which 'isolated' incident will actually be enough to get someone to look at the big picture... Does that make any sense?

Thanks beautiful, yes it does seem like no one wants to go against the previous decision...or even re look at things. The judge thought it was ok, so we said it was ok, so it will be ok whatever the cost.

Andro you're right it wasn't the same judge.

Yes aeroflot I was told by the barrister that represented me pro bono at the court of appeal that I couldn't have had a worse judge and if I'd had another one we wouldn't be here...

crapbag no not without the support of children's services.. Otherwise I run the risk of that order being reapplied as I'll be back infront of the same judge.
Hi Susan and Parsley xxx

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 14:56

My goodness what utterly bad luck baby you and your little boy don't deserve this. Did you tell SW you hope that they look at the bigger picture and see the different abuse your son has to endure. Hopefully they will, you have a new SW which has passed this onto the police. They have to look at the wider picture, that's why the hell the CS are involved fgs! It looks like they are looking for excuses for this abuser and justification, instead of listening to a chikd crying for help.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 14:58

It utterly stinks as all children should get the same standard in a court, not one child is treated well and another is not!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 15:30

With this new SW, have you talked to her about what she feels about not sending ds on contact. Or do they want to wait until the strategy meeting and police start investigating.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 15/01/2015 15:38

and that at best it was very inappropriate, but that she needed to establish the context in which they were taken as his dad may have been just messing about..

who in their right mind would ever ever jokingly take a picture of a child on the loo age 6?

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 15/01/2015 15:39

I couldn't have had a worse judge and if I'd had another one we wouldn't be here...

Thinking of this and the case where the judge has blamed a child for a teacher having sex with her...

Who I would like to know regulates Judges?

Some of them are so bonkers?

They are are our justice system?

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 15/01/2015 15:41

Baby I would be going to MP with this - also that mp simon....sorry cant rememeber name who deals with all sex abuse...rochdale, I would also write to him

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 15:57

I suppose they will suspend contact whilst Police and SS investigate, well they should really.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 16:02

I agree will, if you have a complaint about a Dr, you contact the BMI, the judges should have a professional and regulatory body which they all should adhere to certain guidlines. If they fall short, it should be easy to lodge a complaint like you would any other professional. It's an old boys network, tgat is how he was let back in after being put on 'gardening leave'. I rub your back if you rub mine kind of thing.

rumbleinthrjungle · 15/01/2015 17:48

Its probably best to be careful about mentioning that MP, he's been known to appear on threads mentioning his name and this particular mum has been through hell and back and doesn't need him pushing his agenda on her or adding stress.

Hoping you get some news from SW and police soon - I really don't get why no one ever looks at the big picture. You probably are safe to mention that to SW, I know from previous threads you have to be extremely careful to follow processes exactly.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 18:14

I would ask SW why they are not looking at the bigger picture, as it would give them a more accurate account of ds abuse. I am sure the Police will though.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 18:15

Its like a jigsaw, you need to put the pieces together to see the whole puzzle.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/01/2015 18:18

OP, could you make a chronology of events? Including any evidence you have, gp visits etc? And show it to the SW when she visits.

Osmiornica · 15/01/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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