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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:
MartinJD · 24/02/2015 19:20

I have nothing really constructive to offer here, only to say that I wish you all the best and that you sound like a strong mother. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 21:00

Thanks fourfoxache Flowers
I'm really trying not to worry as i know it achieves absolutely nothing but make things worse. I'll do what aero suggests and phone her tomorrow, if only to find out when she now plans to see DS?
I guess I'm so worried because if she decides not to back us then DSs dad will certainly try and take it back to court if only to make our life an absolute misery, and of course DS will have start seeing him again unsupervised. DS keeps telling me he's worried he'll have to see his dad :(

But to do that would mean they don't believe DS and I don't see how they can't. Also it's not as though she can work with his dad either as it's certainly not a case of him realising he's wrong and showing any remorse, desire not to do it again etc. He's aggressively denying it which is what he always does regardless of the evidence etc x

Thanks MartinJD x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 21:16

I know, it's so understandable baby. I think phoning her and asking her to see ds and her plan of action woukd help reassure you. You have a card up your sleeve, your ds, it is not your word against ex now, your ds is now able to tell professionals of his abuse. Add to that, ex has lied to SW and been aggressive, don't think that's gone unnoticed. This SW seems very clued up, but SW caseloads are really heavy, it çoukd well have been a bad week for her.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 21:19

Unlike his dad, ds has been proven to be reliable and consistant.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 21:22

Thanks aero. I know she's very busy. It's the not knowing x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 21:45

I know, ds is obviously important to you, I would feel exactly the same, but she may have lots of children like ds or worse that she has to see. So her cancelling may not be because she does not believe ds and you, and that things will go pear shaped Flowers.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 21:55

No I know her cancelling has nothing to do with not believing DS. I know she's busy.
I'm worried because I don't know what they are going to decide to do, if that makes sense...

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 22:02

Yes I understand, but try to keep positive. All I can iffer are good vibes your way, and I hope for great outcome Flowers.

Ohfourfoxache · 24/02/2015 22:21

The "not knowing" is horiffic - at least when there is a definite plan of action you've got something to work to.

This is going to sound so shallow, but try not to worry. He has one hell of a lot of rope, and he's gaining more at every interaction x

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 22:27

It doesn't sound shallow... Thinking of what you just said is helping Flowers xx

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 24/02/2015 22:56
Original poster
Babynamechange · 25/02/2015 09:23

Thanks fourfoxache x
Just listened to a voice message from someone else in the department. The SW was sick yesterday and I'm guessing today as well.
So I'm just going to try and stop stewing and get on with the things I need to do around it x

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 25/02/2015 09:42

At least you've got a bit of an answer now - it's not lack of will/belief etc, it's just that she's not been in to be able to action anything. So we can assume from that that the suspension is still in place?

Stewing is understandable - cut yourself some slack. But I'd just be a bit concerned that it could be counter productive. Do as much or as little as you feel able to, be gentle and kind to yourself. Sometimes I think you're your own harshest critic and there is no need - you're doing chuffing amazingly x

Original poster
Babynamechange · 25/02/2015 09:51

Thank you again
Yes it is unless I hear otherwise. He's not due to have the next contact until the weekend after this one, which means there's time to play with.
Completely agree. Stewing is totally counterproductive and no good ever comes of it.
The stuff I need to do around it is applying to court again. I was holding off until I had a definitive answer as to whether children's services were going to continue to support us, but there's no reason why I can't fill in the forms and hold onto them and then at least it's done. That's been stressing me out as well because anything to do with court is so difficult for me.

I need to stay focused on the good things hey xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 11:12

Oh baby at least you have an answer. I agree with offourfoxache, she would not be able to do anything if she was not well, so as far as you know, contact is suspended. I would write down the list of positives, and negatives and look at it every now and again. One of the things is that the G is out of the picture, that should make court proceedings easier. If I remember rightly, the judge asked to see SS reports, and there were, but none in favour of you and ds at the time. Now I am pretty confident you will have SS support with this, so he will have to consider SS viewpoint in relation to contact. It is looking good for you in that respect, so hold onto that.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 11:13

Also judge was loosing patience with EX in court, and basically was one his last chance saloon, I don't think that judge will give him any more chances, especially with SS back for supervised contact.

CurbsideProphet · 25/02/2015 11:45

Babynamechange I was on your previous thread (as bookfairy) and have just caught up with this one. I am so glad things have moved on, as I have often thought about you. I am frustrated for you that your DS still had to see your ex. Such a distressing situation.

Do you have contact details for the SW team manager? They ought to be able to give you info as to when the SW will be back.

I'm glad you have a SW who is listening to your DS. I hope he feels that it is still worth having a voice.

You continue to be an amazingly strong mother. I just hope you will finally have the proper backing of the services who are there to protect the vulnerable.

(I used to work in Children's Services but left as I was overworked and undersupported)

Original poster
Babynamechange · 25/02/2015 15:40

Aero, lists of positives is a great way to deal with things. Writing a lists of stuff that I was grateful for got me through the summer. It was the one thing that stopped me feeling totally destroyed.
Thanks bookfairy, I remember you Flowers. I hope he still feels its worth having a voice. As for the SW, I'll phone her department tomorrow to see if she's back xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 15:44

Good ideas when you feel down consult that list. Yiu will see things are not as bad as you may feel Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 26/02/2015 13:49

Any luck Baby?

Original poster
Babynamechange · 26/02/2015 14:21

I phoned today and she's off sick until next week.

But I've done my stuff for the ombudsman in terms of how it was handled last summer, which I was dreading as I hate raking over what happened....but it was ok xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2015 14:46

Oh dear. Do you know the progress in relation to your case. Carry on as if contact is suspended unless you hear otherwise. I am glad the ombudsman stuff went well. Look at those positives baby and keep them with you Smile

rumbleinthrjungle · 26/02/2015 16:11

I'm sorry love, that doesn't help! - is it worth asking to speak to her line manager, emphasising she is doing a great job but that you're anxious with her being unwell about what is going to happen/that the wrong thing may happen in a rush because it's the easiest thing to do under time pressure? Will the stop in contact be extended to reflect the social worker needing more time to do the work to make the decision? Social workers juggle these can't wait situations constantly and her line manager will be monitoring them for her while she's away.

They don't want to make mistakes, and it is important they don't end up doing what's easy in pressured circumstances rather than what needs doing thoroughly and right. (And SAY something to that effect to make sure you hit the 'this could come back and bite us' button in whoever takes your call.)

Ohfourfoxache · 26/02/2015 16:32

Oh bugger.

Ok, not insurmountable. Could you do as Rumble suggests and contact her line manager? Also it will provide a clear record that you've sought advice re contact, not just randomly denied it iyswim.

Huge well done re the ombudsman - it can't have been easy. But you can be very proud of he fact that it's done now. Definitely a big one to be added to Aeroflot's list of positives!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2015 16:56

Yes definitely ask to speak to line manager or leave a message asking her to call you to inform you of the situation.

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