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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 14:25

That's good so she's aware of his behaviour. Ds has proven to be reliable and consistent, his dad on the other hand is a consistant lier. Tgat counts for a lot Ibelieve.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 14:34

That's what I thought in court though and we know what happened there :(
But yes I'm hoping this is different now. Back then he had been abusive towards me but family courts generally don't care/dismiss that when dealing out contact. Now he's behaving that way towards DS hopefully it won't just get ignored. I also hope she doesn't forget that he lied about what the police told him the other day as well x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 14:46

Exactly, you now have this really good SW who sounds very with it.yes his abuse is now onto ds, you will have SW to support your case. They have stopped contact so must be taking it very seriously. Before ds was not able to speak to professionals, so it was your word against him as I remember. No ds is very open to professionals. The more ex lies, he looses his credibility.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 15:00

At the last court apoearence, judges patience with him seemed to be wearing thin.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 16:11

Try to keep,positive Flowers

rumbleinthrjungle · 20/02/2015 16:17

Baby, if you Google Southampton Serious Case reviews you will go straight to the one released this week. It doesn't make for pleasant reading at all, but there is round criticism there of multiple services who missed multiple warning signs for a child, and somewhere in it (to paraphrase) is something like 'it was culture for some judges to determine that contact between nrp and child must be continued unless there was indisputable evidence based proof of actual harm. This is demonstrably not focused on the best interests of the child'. First time I've seen official criticism of this culture.

Also several agencies being roundly criticized for accepting first time when a service such as Cafcass or social services made a decision they did not agree with to step down concerns. It may help to have a skim through and to have it in your armoury to refer to.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 16:38

Ah rumble thank you so much for that FlowersFlowersFlowers
I'm just off out with DS but I'll find it and read through it when I get back xx

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Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 18:27

I've just read through it :(:(:(:(:) that is just awful.
Staggering that so much would be repeatedly ignored. Really was a case of, well they didn't do anything so we won't either
This was mentioned a couple if times: 'failing to make the connection between being intimidated themselves and the probability that a child would feel similarly threatened' which I really identified with. Most people are intimidated by DS's dad but no one seems to make this connection either. I expect our SW felt that way too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 18:35

Sorry I don't know how the smiley got in there... Obviously not meant to be there :(

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Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 18:37

Another thing I can't get my head round is how no one was convicted. Then again to do that they would have to admit how much they had messed up?

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 20/02/2015 18:49

Its awful reading, isn't it? I think as well it's a little unfair that all services were criticised for not formally protesting when a decision was made by SS that there was no cause for involvement or concern - ss are usually regarded as the ones qualified to know best!

But it is encouraging to see the best interests of the child as a separate priority aside from an automatic assumption that unless a parent has unequivocally provided proof of having physically harmed that contact should persist. And that being seen as bad practice.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 18:53

Exactly baby, even I as a lay person knows that your ds a vulnerable child doesent stand a chance with him. If they start contact again, how is tgat going to inpact. His abuse may take a more nastier turn, might even go to physical. How can professionals be so thick and short sighted. All this lessons learned rubbish, well yhey clearly have not since Baby P and Victoria Climbe. They keep making the same errors and failing in their duty to protect chikdren.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 18:55

Oh gosh I don't mean to scare you baby. But you mentioned somewhere that he çoukd take it out on ds. Have you told the SW your concerns.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 19:18

I agree rumble, that is really encouraging. I hope that it will be taken on board by other counties too?
Aero he would certainly take it out on DS in an emotional way. He generally does things though that he thinks he can't get away with. I'm really hoping that it doesn't come to that. DS is so happy atm

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 19:48

Have you told SW, do you think he would physically harm ds. Yes he looks very happy Baby Smile

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 19:57

But that's an opinion and not a fact though and because of that I'm not sure they're really interested in it which makes me very measured about what I end up saying.

There's loads I want to say but feel I have to hold back and just stick to plain facts of what has already happened rather than what I'm worried might happen.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 20:07

Sad baby, its awful not being able to voice your concerns.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 20:12

Yes... I worry about saying too much and I worry about not saying enough x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2015 09:20

I hope it all goes well baby and your ds does not have to see that sorry excuse for a father any more Flowers

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 16:56

Well SW was supposed to be seeing DS yesterday at school but cancelled as something urgent came up and so rescheduled for today. But obviously didn't make today either :(
So still not sure what is going to happen? x

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 24/02/2015 17:03

Is contact still suspended?

I know this is going to sound really flippant, but as long as there is no contact, does it matter if the talk is delayed by a few days? (I wonder if that's what the SW is thinking?)

Doesn't help whilst you're on tenterhooks though Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 17:21

Oh dear please don't get dishartened. SW are still investigating, so I guess contact is still suspended until they say so. So on Friday do as you would do normally, unless otherwise instructed by SW.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 24/02/2015 17:53

At the moment yes. I know what you are saying and you're right. Its just that the decision to continue to support that or not isn't decided so I just feel really anxious about it all x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2015 18:06

Flowers baby. I would call SW and make sure they see ds before Friday, I would be tough on them. At the moment contact still suspended so try stay positive Smile. I am sure that they will do their utmost best fir ds, she seems very on the ball.

Ohfourfoxache · 24/02/2015 19:15

Sweetheart let's face it - with everything you've been through it is more than understandable that you're anxious. You've been to hell and back and it's not over yet, you've been let down repeatedly "by the system" and if there is any question at all of things not happening when they should then it's going to bring on dread. Fwiw I'd be going into meltdown.

Totally agree with Aeroflot - could you give the SW a call? Even if it does nothing more than put your mind at rest. But I'm sure everything is fine - he has shown the SW his true colours. She isn'the going to let this go x