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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 19/02/2015 20:32

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Jux · 19/02/2015 21:37

That's so good to hear,baby, ds getting his spark back Thanks long may that be!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/02/2015 22:18

Fingers crossed things continue to move in the right direction.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 08:12

Just because someone shares some genetic material with a child, does not mean they should be in the child's life, especially at the detriment to the child. I hope that the SW notices how calm and happy ds is now that contact is suspended, and how he was like when he was having contact with his father. I think any good SW would see that you cannot put a vulnerable child back into a situation with a volatile and abusive individual, this cannot happen.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 08:14

Baby has said, that if ds has to see his dad again, ex could well take it out on ds,. Did you relay that to SW baby.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 09:20

SW just phoned, she isn't going to see DS today after all as his dad doesn't want her to see DS at home. So she's going to see him in school next week. That's totally fine, I can understand her position and I guess it also means that I can't be accused of leading DS or anything..
I've no idea what he's said to her but I can kind of imagine xxx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 10:07

What an absolute arse he is. Who is he to do the deciding, it should be the SW. Is contact stopped this week? I am sure ds answer will be the same at home or at school. But yes I guess a nutural location is better.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 10:12

Yes that's the only irritating thing about it, that he thinks he can dictate how it happens. But it's absolutely fine, good really. DS's answer won't depend at all on where he is anyway..
His dad is at his most entitled and nasty when he feels he has the floor if that makes sense. I really hope she saw that xxx

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/02/2015 10:20

Hang on, she was due t see DS at your home and XH has vetoed it? That's not on at all. You gave consent to her seeing him at home and in fact she needs to see him at home! it's a statutory duty. There is no way that XH can deny permission for her to see him at your house. That's nonsense.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/02/2015 10:28

I wonder if the SW is just trying to remove a possible source of objection from XH if they require a move to supervised contact. If she sees DS at school and he states that he doesn't want to see his Dad then its hard for XH to claim that its because Baby was intimidating DS into saying what she wanted.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 10:39

Ehric, she saw us together at home last year so I guess that box is ticked, but yes it's lots to do with him just throwing his weight around.

As for not seeing him at home, I think Chaz is right. He's made a very strong objection to it so if she sees him at home anyway, then he could argue I'd prepped him etc. School is neutral so he'd have much less of a case.. xxx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 10:42

Exactly Chaz, I think SW is trying to build a case for supervised contact, and eliminating any variables that could interfer with it. It was not on ex deciding the situation for the meeting, but I think SW was probably thinking that before he dictated to her. I don't think she is going to lay down and be his puppet somehow.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 10:44

The SW sounds very on the ball, and up until now, he was not communicating with her and was quite aggressive. I don't think she will do as he bids unless she also agrees with it. Yes, nutural location is better because there are very little factors that could interfer with things. She wants to build a good case for supervised contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 12:41

Ex is really hanging himself with a long rope suggesting SW speak to ds at school as it only strengthens the case for supervised. If he wanted things to go his way he woukd keep schtum.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 12:49

He obviously doesent know his ds very well does he. Whatever location, ds will say the same thing, that he doesent want to see his dad ever!

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 13:05

I don't think wanting DS to be seen in school could be held against him if I'm honest as on the surface it's a reasonable request. However I'm sure the manner in which the request was made was fairly aggressive.

But that's part of the problem as he also lies very aggressively. Gets angry if he's not believed and will do this even if you are showing him evidence to the contrary. It's really disconcerting and confusing as normal people just don't do this. He also shows no reaction or embarrassment if he's caught in a lie, just carries on as though nothing has happened.

Ok another example from court. He's got well documented, fairly extensive drug use which he himself has also referred to in his written statement...there's no doubt he took drugs a lot. But on at least 2 times in court he's insisted that his other son is doing so well in school because, as aggressively stated by him 'cos I've never taken a drug in me life' Confused

I'm quite sure he would have angrily denied taking the photos too x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 13:27

I am sure SW can see right through that Baby, it gives her even more evidence. Like your Barrister has said, he's not going to admit to being a weirdo. I don't think he certainly is not going to admit to doing the other stuff, so SW have to investigate him and build up evidence. Part of that, is ds testimony.

Of course its a reasonable request, but he is making his rope longer to hang himself. Ds answer will be the same, in school or at home, but because he's been interviewed in a neutural location, it strengthens the case for you guys.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 13:29

Baby those 2, and 3 paragraphs you wrote will be his downfall. I expect SW will do extensive research around him, and will know about the drug use. How many other children does he have? Does he have contact with them. If he does not, than no wonder his other son is doing well at school.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/02/2015 13:29

Actually I think that's quite positive - it could be viewed that he is being deliberately obstructive, especially given that he keeps telling people that he will be "collecting ds from school anyway" etc.

And absolutely, the way he will have requested this is likely to be shitty in the extreme.

Shock at the court/drug example - he really is thick, isn't he?

Didn't realise that ds has a half brother from his father. Do you have any contact with him/his mother? I wonder whether the other son has been subjected to the same level of evil from his father? I hope to god he hasn't, but I wonder if you've got a decent relationship with them then they might be a source of support?

May well be clutching at straws but trying to think of anything that may potentially strengthen the case against him xx

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 13:35

The judge may dismiss all of this, but I am sure the SW will not, and will be used as evidence to support either no contact order or supervised.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 13:57

He has one other child that he has contact with although DS has only seen him once in the last year. I don't know that much about their relationship other than I used to think it was odd and I didn't think he treated him properly. I would say that the other child had a very dysfunctional upbringing though and I do know he was excluded many times from school for aggressive behaviour.

I don't think I could approach his son or the mother tbh. A source of support would be his brother (as in DS's uncle) though, but I don't know how to contact him

Ok another court story... He said in the contact centre that his other child's mother was dead and had died when the child was a baby (he lives with his mum) and he'd raised him from birth. This was recorded n a voice recorder! Everyone in the court had listened to this recording, including him, and he was still aggressively denying he had said it. That's what you're dealing with Confused
But he just gets away with it. It's not even the blatant lying, it's the fact he doesn't acknowledge he's ever done anything wrong so you can't work with anything with him. If that makes sense?

Although he was very obstructive he'll be seen as engaging now :( x

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Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 14:11

Another court story. Nothing bad but just shows he can't tell the truth even when there's no need to lie
He said that it was really really important for DS to meet his 4 brothers. He actually has 2 brothers which he doesn't speak to at all and another one who died about 40 years ago. Turns out the 4th one was himself! Just that kind of thing really. Quite funny if you're not dealing with it.

At one point, after telling the judge he has 13 sisters, the judge asked me to confirm whether that was right. I shrugged my shoulders and said I wasn't sure as I'd heard so many different stories!

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Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 14:13

Baby the 'professionals' are thick being taken in by him. But now ds is more vocal, tgat will be strong evidence against him. In what manner is he engaging is important, he çoukd be thoroughly aggressive to the SW. The things he is saying are very dysfunctional. He will have a reputation as a prolific liar and fabricater, I do think SW can see right through that, she sounds very clued up. Have you told SW all this about ex.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 20/02/2015 14:16

I've told her a lot of it
Yes I hope so xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 14:22

He is making his own coffin Wink

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