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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate the expression 'as long as baby is healthy i don't mind the gender ?

102 replies

mrsfuzzy · 11/01/2015 23:01

i know it's something people say but it really makes me sad for the little one waiting to born, if there are problems are the parents going to love it any less, are they disappointed because they did not get the 'ideal result'. all children are special, i just feel uncomfortable when i hear it said.
what do others think ?

OP posts:

HolyTerror · 11/01/2015 23:04

I think it's the kind of inane response that inane questions about sex preference deserve, tbh.

Lucked · 11/01/2015 23:05

I think in relation to potential health problems fretting over the gender can seem a bit trivial.

Blackout234 · 11/01/2015 23:06

Uh... what else are we supposed to say, really? Oh I want a girl, but what if you have a boy? Or vice versa?

dogscatsandbabies · 11/01/2015 23:06

I see what you're saying but I think it's more of a comment about really not minding whether you have a boy or girl than not wanting an unhealthy child.

And anyway, no one wants their baby to suffer. At all. Ever. That doesn't mean you wouldn't love them and want them just as much if they did end up with health or developmental problems.

CeliaLytton · 11/01/2015 23:06

I understand your thinking but I also understand wishing your child to be healthy. Whenever I have had a scan that revealed that baby seemed to be healthy and developing normally, I was relieved and delighted. I have a number of friends who found out about health problems during scans or after birth, not one of them was relieved or delighted at the news, which is a totally different issue to the relief and delight they felt when baby arrived safely.

I think before baby is born, it is natural to want good health for him/her, it's what so many of us strive for and it makes life easier. It does not mean you would love a child with health problems or a disability any less.

OddFodd · 11/01/2015 23:06

To be fair, healthy is not the same as 'I don't want a kid with special needs'. Healthy means ... healthy. My DS has SN but he's healthy.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 11/01/2015 23:07

YABU. It's a bad response to a bad question. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask. What do you expect people to say?

Of course all children are special, no one is saying they would not love a child with additional needs but no one having a baby hopes that their child will have challenges.

pinkdelight · 11/01/2015 23:09

You think anyone out there says - I don't hope it's healthy?? You think they'd love it less if they hoped it was healthy and it wasn't? I think you're overthinking it big time. People don't care about the gender, they hope their baby is healthy, if not they would still love it to death. I don't know what you're finding to judge here but yabu.

Original poster

mrsfuzzy · 11/01/2015 23:09

i not strictly getting at the choice of gender but people wanting a 'perfect baby' i.e don't want disablities etc,

OP posts:

seaoflove · 11/01/2015 23:09

It's just one of those cliches you hear. I don't think it means "I would hate to have a baby with health problems" (although no one WANTS their baby to have issues, do they?) it just means that your hopes for your baby's good health and happiness way exceed any hopes for a particular gender.

TheBabyFacedAssassin · 11/01/2015 23:09

Um, maybe because it's true?
Many people don't care what sex the child is, the baby's health is more important. It doesn't mean that the parents will love the child any less should the child have medical issues, what a ridiculous statement.

maddening · 11/01/2015 23:11

Of course a parent hopes their child is healthy - and even if born healthy that is no guarantee of health or accidents later on -you cling to the mortal coil and hope.

I doubt there are many who have a child who was born with health problems wouldn't wish that they could go back and make it all right - it doesn't mean that they regret their dc or love them any less but hoping for an easier ride - for it to be alright and a happy ending is pretty normal and you would. Be strange IMO if you hoped otherwise.

MrsMook · 11/01/2015 23:11

It doesn't mean the parents will love the child less if there is a health / development complication. Doesn't everyone wish for their child to be in the best possible health?

InAnotherVisit · 11/01/2015 23:12

I don't think its anything to do with wanting a perfect baby, its wanting your baby to be healthy because you love them and want them to enjoy good health.

I want my DH to be healthy, but that's because I love him, not because I wouldn't love him if he was unhealthy.

CeliaLytton · 11/01/2015 23:12

Agree that the only time I have heard this kind of response is in answer to tke question, 'what are you hoping for? Boy or girl?'

So yes, an understandable answer to an unnecessary question.

IsItMeOr · 11/01/2015 23:13

I think you're confusing people's hopes and dreams for their DCs with their love for them. They're not the same thing at all.

EmDuffers · 11/01/2015 23:13

Oh seriously get a grip!

Its a standard reply. No one wants to watch their child suffer!

Its got nothing to do with loving a child less if they are unhealthy.

todayiamfat · 11/01/2015 23:15

At my 20 weeks scan I am mortified to say I was a bit disappointed to hear we were having another girl.

9 weeks later baby arrived and went through 8 weeks of hell. Followed by at least another year of pretty shit times.

So yes. I think yabu. I felt a right twat even thinking about gender. In fact, I often wondered if my stupid preference was to blame.

CalleighDoodle · 11/01/2015 23:15

I think it says you want your child to enjoy good health. Not that you wouldnt want a child that was unhealthy.

Original poster

mrsfuzzy · 11/01/2015 23:16

as far as gender goes my friend was convinced she was having a daughter and went and did the whole pink thing, nursery clothles etc, then was devastated when she had a darling little boy, she desperately wants a girl, i'm concerned for her as it borders on obsessive at times, he is a gorgeous little lad but she doesn't seem to bond with him i think she might have post natal depression, does anyone have any ideas how i might help her, her dh shrugs his shoulders and says 'healthy kid what are you worrying about ?'

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 11/01/2015 23:16

Doesn't it just mean worrying about sex is trivial, worrying about health is not.

And yes, good health doesn't mean no additional needs. Who wouldn't prefer their child to be healthy?!

StetsonsAreCool · 11/01/2015 23:17

With both my DCs , my hopes for their future is that it is as easy for them as possible. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your children's lives to be free of complications is there? You don't always get what you want, but why would you hope anything different?

Although by the end of my second pg, I had to refrain from telling people what I really wanted to say: I don't care what I have as long as we both survive the delivery.

Thankfully we did, and DC2 is fit, healthy and thriving - and long may it continue. Only the rest of his life to worry about now

Palooza · 11/01/2015 23:18

also I think a lot of people forget that the 20 week scan is not to find out the gender but to detect any problems. So obviously a pregnant woman/couple looking ahead to that scan would have that at the top of their minds.

At our 20 week scan problems potentially incompatible with life were discovered and I did insist on knowing the gender - wanted to have a clearer idea of 'who' I was rooting for.

ShadowSuperNova · 11/01/2015 23:19

Surely nobody actually hopes that their unborn baby will have health problems or disabilities?

I don't think that wanting a healthy baby means that a parent will love a baby any less if it does turn out to have medical issues or disabilities.

DustyCropHopper · 11/01/2015 23:22

I wanted a healthy child, I am sure most people do, as you wish for the best for your child in terms of pain free, struggle free etc. Ds2 Is dyspraxic, a mild an in comparison with many others but there is many a time I wished he didn't have it. When I listen to him talking about having no friends (he has social difficulties), I wish I could change that. Do I love him less? Of course not, but I wish he didn't have his sn for him, as he finds it hard and it effects his life.
Wanting a child to be healthy is far better than wishing (or hoping) for a particular sex, and a far different reason for wanting it. A person wanting a particular sex is for their own needs, wanting a healthy baby is for the baby/child's sake.

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