to hate the expression 'as long as baby is healthy i don't mind the gender ?

[mrsfuzzy]

i know it's something people say but it really makes me sad for the little one waiting to born, if there are problems are the parents going to love it any less, are they disappointed because they did not get the 'ideal result'. all children are special, i just feel uncomfortable when i hear it said.
what do others think ?

YANBU.
It's the "as long as" bit which makes me flinch a bit, because it implies that being "healthy" (whatever that is) is a minimum condition for things being OK. I think these statements can increase the feeling of "what the hell do I do now?" when you find yourself in that awful no-man's land of when your child has a serious health condition.

A bit like "I just want him/her to be happy". Just? Really? That's a pretty big ask. And what if they aren't?

YABU. Nobody wants their child to have health problems, it doesn't mean they'd love it any less!

I do think it's basically a euphemism for 'alive', actually.

I kind of agree OP. I tended to say 'we don't mind the gender - every child's a blessing' when asked, it made me sound a bit pompous but I got sick of people assuming we wanted a girl (as we already had a boy) when we just desperately wanted another baby!

YABU most people would want their baby alive and healthy - as in not ill, not suffering, not in danger of dying earlier from illness - of course they do! I don't think healthy means perfect either it means healthy; not ill.

It's a trite but very honest response I think.

I do actually see what you mean OP, The sad thing is that most people don't want a baby that isn't 'perfect'. Something like 90% of babies with Down syndrome are aborted.

FWIW we just said we didn't mind whether it was a boy or a girl when we were asked.

I think you should actually mind your own business as to how people answer. If that's their response to their own child, why is it any of your concern. I don't know why you are even linking the two together. Maybe don't ask a stupid question then you won't get an answer that bothers you.

It's an expression I may have used in small talk. It's not indicative of how I'd love or care for a child with health issues.

Sex is first known at the 20 week anomaly scan so the two things - sex and potential anomalies - are linked by that. If there is no scan then both health and sex are revealed at birth. I think it's just polite a way of saying ffs there are far more important things to worry about than the sex.

In no way does it make me think they'll love an "unhealthy" baby less, in fact, it's because they already love the foetus that they don't want it to suffer any form of ill health, hospital appointments, treatments, life limiting conditions etc. Of course everybody wants their child to be as "perfect" as possible as life is a hell of a lot easier for those of us with no medical conditions to worry about.

A woman I know was so obsessed with wanting daughters that she actually told me when her 2 children (a girl then a boy) were about 8&10 that she grieved for years over the daughter she didn't have. She had one daughter already and her second child was a boy but it took her years to come to terms with it. Stupid woman I've never forgotten it.

museumum totally agree with you... boy or girl is immaterial, but we adore this unborn child already and want the best for him/her.

My brother died of spina bifida complications. He was cherished, adored and wanted for the entirety of his short life and well beyond. I wouldn't wish his suffering on my worst enemy.

So yes. When I became pregnant, I very much hoped that my much wanted, much loved child was healthy and had as good a start to life as possible.

When people asked with ds, I always said, 'we don't really mind whether it's a boy or girl, but a cat would be nice'

It is just something that people say, I was terrified throughout each pregnancy that I would end up with cancer as had happened to me when I had a molar pregnancy, I was frightened that my child might have abnormalities inconsistent with life (as happened to close family), the thing is people don't know all these thing, and it is easier and truthful to say that you hope the child will be healthy. That doesn't mean that if your child is not healthy you don't want it or see it as imperfect. As it was ds is disabled and was very ill when born, and whilst I didn't wish that he wasn't disabled, I did wish that he wasn't struggling to breathe and feed.

That's ridiculous. No one would wish for an unhealthy child. I'm pregnant and every day someone asks me whether we know if its a boy or a girl and which one I'd rather. If my baby is born healthy, I honestly couldn't give a rats arse what sex it is. It is so insignificant if you have reason to worry about your child being in pain, or not surviving.

And there is a lot more to than that fluffling, there are many many stories of parents being pressurized to abort when high risk results and pushed to feel guilty for considering anything else. Ableism is rife, deadly, harmful to everyone (because it begins the framework of whose life is and is not worth living) and should be examined in all its forms. Statistically, disabled children are more likely to be abused and murdered by their parents and those parents are less likely to face justice which leads to further abuse and murder of disabled people. The rhetoric about what is healthy (which does not mean alive) and open consideration about it important rather than shutting it down with assumptions that those who find that line, especially as a default, uncomfortable must not know what we're talking about.

As a disabled parent with a disabled DP, I get where the OP is coming from because when I as pregnant, there was a metric tonne of accusations and pressure about whether our kids would be like one of us. I was literally told that I must not love my then unborn eldest if I was risking him being born with my disability by conceiving naturally (this was further 'proven' by that midwife by my having chapped lips and being positive for ketones in my urine...like millions of able pregnant people who likely didn't get that speech).

I honestly did not care because, shocking to some, my life is not all suffering and I think is pretty worth living and we would be a family regardless - having had previous loss that was all I wanted. Everyone's life has pain and suffering, most of mine are caused by other people and not my medical conditions. Wanting to discuss how the modern ideal of health which is even more now from my perspective is more and more treated as a moral imperative and signifies (and for babies/kids a moral imperative on their parents of doing everything 'right') and how damaging that is for everyone doesn't mean I don't have much experience, it means I've seen first hand how horridly people are treated when the want to be some ideal of healthy becomes seen as a character flaw for those of us who will never meet it, and wanting people to see that there is good beyond that.

Hazeyjane - after i had spent years on the failed fertility then adoption trail when the end finally seemed in sight and people asked me if I was getting a biy or a girl I said "I don't know, but frankly after 6 years I think I'd take a pony now if thats what they offer me"

YABU.

Most parents would prefer a child who was healthy. Doesn't mean they are going to reject a child with health problems, just means they recognise life will be easier for them and their child if their child is healthy and so they hope for that.

I say I hope my baby is a good sleeper (unlike DC1). Doesn't mean I'm going to reject her if she's not, nor that I think sleep is the be all and end all. It just means if I had the choice - which obviously I don't - then I'd prefer a good sleeper.

my mother used to say as long as the baby is whole and hearty .thats the main thing .my youngest son is autistic but my mother worshipped him .i think its just a flippant thing we say .

I don't remember saying it, but if I did it would have meant that I wanted a baby that was ALIVE. I do remember saying that bump could be blue with pink spots, as long as I finally got to hold my baby.

It's hardly shocking that parents want their children to be healthy. Most parents of sick children would love nothing more than for their children to be healthy and would give their lives for that if they could.

It's not normal or loving to wish illness, disease and pain on anybody, let alone your own much loved child. Munchausans by proxy is rare thankfully.

My sons are 9 and 6 and I still wish for a life free of illness and disability for them. We'll deal with what comes but I'm damned if I'm going to pretend it wouldn't matter to me if something major befalls them. Nothing to do with loving them less.

Yabu and petty.