to hate the expression 'as long as baby is healthy i don't mind the gender ?

[mrsfuzzy]

i know it's something people say but it really makes me sad for the little one waiting to born, if there are problems are the parents going to love it any less, are they disappointed because they did not get the 'ideal result'. all children are special, i just feel uncomfortable when i hear it said.
what do others think ?

I can see why 'perfect' could be problematic.

But if it means "alive" then that's a very basic wish.

And unless you kniw someone's history, and can be sure that neither they, nor people they are close to, have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, it's not something to criticise in RL.

Eh?
Strange and serious twist from the bog-standard comment that triggered your OP to gender disappointment.
Maybe the pregnancy threads could help you to help your friend.

Not sure what is wrong with wanting a healthy child - everyone I know wanted their child to be born healthy.

I think you need to get a grip

mrsfuzzy - It's got little to do with disabilities most the time.

I spent well over a year TTC, when I finally did get pregnant all I could worry about was whether I'd miscarry. I hear stories from friends, colleagues, acquaintances, mumsnetters who have lost children through miscarriage, incompatible with life defects, still born, babies lost due to hospital negligence / birth issues.

I have spent my pregnancy on edge worrying about the ifs and butts.

People ask the preferences question usually to be polite or for idle chit chat. Honestly, I couldn't give a flying fudge whether I give birth to a boy or girl. All I want is my baby to wait until full term, arrive into this world safely and get to hold them in my arms. If the baby is born without birth defects or disabilities, then even better. Not because it would be bad for me - there is no limit to the amount of time, love and effort in my lifetime to support my baby should that be the case. But why on earth would I NOT wish for my baby to be healthy? Or to give them the best start in life?

So yes, all parents want their baby to arrive safely into this world. Surely you should be more worried if someone says - oh yes, I definitely want and only want a boy and it turns out to be a girl. But I seriously have never met someone that fickle in my life.

Op your post doesn't make sense. My dd is disabled I wish she wasn't but she is just as much wanted and loved as if she were perfectly healthy.

i asked a question in my last post ,does anyone actually have an ideas ? incidently in response to several posters, i thought the original missive to quite acceptable to ask, yes, everyone wants a healthy baby, i guess the ones who have problems are lucky to live in britain, where they are cared for unlike some countries where they are dumped in orphanges.

plinky plonks, you wrote a lovely piece about pending mumhood i'm sure everyone would agree that you sum it up beautifully, best wishes for you and your family to be.

Oh FFS

Do you want people to respond with 'I don't mind if its a boy or a girl but I would also like to make clear that although obviously I am hoping for a healthy child, if there do turn out to be issues then I will not love it any less'.

As others have said its the stock answer to these things.

when she was horrid thanks but i've got a grip, i have six healthy kids and the eldest is an aspie, but that does not matter a jot, he's our son and that's all that matters.

Op - people tend to respond to the actual op not a question within the op.

If you think your friend has post natal depression she beds to see her GP. It could be really hard getting her to admit she needs help though. Hope you can help her. Best of luck.

It's just splitting hairs though isn't it!!

meditrina you very eloquently put what I was going to try to say. Thank you.

OP you should have directly asked the question regarding you concerns for your friend as your original post. I feel slightly misled. It doesn't seem to fit in AIBU. Another thread may give you the answers you seek. I truly hope things get better for her.

whenshewas and valsold yes, you are right i should have rephased the original question about my friend, i am worried about her, i don't want to be pushy but i'll get some advice from her health visitor so she can be made aware, thanks for your understanding and help, one too many glasses of vino tonight i reckon !

Ha. On my first I KNEW the gender. It was the gender I wanted I was happy to be proved right. With my second KNEW the gender. Very happy I was too. I was again right - except he wasn't healthy. No chance of survival outside the womb. Anencephaly. Turns out the fact he was a he didn't matter. With my third I knew the gender, just as with the last two- couldn't give a shit as long as baby was healthy- healthy to me , - and I think all parents , means alive and well,regardless of any 'additional needs'

It's sometimes a thoughtless thing to say, but IMO , it's always a truth. Because really as long as your baby is healthy- as in alive and well, then yes, gender fades into insignificance

Everyone wants their baby to be healthy. For the baby's sake. It's got nothing to do with how special they are or how much they will be loved.

mrsfuzzy - Thank you :) Just seen your follow up - that seems a sad situation for your friend to be in and a very frustrating situation for you :(

I think deep down some people do have a preference. My husband for example really liked the idea of having a son. So when we went for our 20 week scan, I chose to find out the gender to ensure we both got used to the idea before the baby arrived.

His 'disappointment' lasted all of maybe .. 5 minutes before he got used to the idea of daddy's little girl :) His heart melts at all the lovely girls clothing we've bought for her.

If after all this it turns out to be a boy, we'll both probably need a bit of wine to get over all the pink clothes we now have before looking forward to life with our son!

Babies, life - everything is so unpredictable so it's not worth setting your heart on a particular gender, although deep down we all probably do.

Your friend does sound like she is struggling to let go of the idea of the 'girl baby' she was having and is almost grieving. Although I'm sure in time she will come to terms with it and learn to love the son she has, right now she needs support until she gains some perspective and her hormones sort themselves out.

You could encourage her to discuss her feelings with her midwife or health visitor and try to support her the best you can - listening to how she is feeling despite how unreasonable her views are. Her 'D'H really needs to step up as post natal depression or issues such as this are seriously and not something to be shrugged off. Your friend desperately needs some support and there is unlikely to be a 'quick' fix.

Good luck x

after 4 boys I miscarried a girl.
when I fell pg after that I really couldn't give a flying fuck about gender, I just wanted a healthy baby, instead of another dead one whom I could never even hold but will mourn forever.
so glad I had a healthy boy.
had two more babies and hated the whole "are you hoping/going for a girl?"

fuck off twats should have been my response. And I don't care if saying it makes you feel sad OP (what a weird thing to be sad about ), but I really just wanted healthy babies. If they had been sick of course I would have loved them. maybe even more as they would have needed extra love, possibly, I don't know.

does that clear things up OP ?

Well, let me blunt. I've delivered and named and buried my dead baby girl. Soooo...that saying that annoys you so much were words to live by during my last pregnancy. Think before you judge you plonker.

Sorry to sound like a jerk OP...but trust me, when you have a stillbirth it is traumatic. And having a baby with multiple health issues is heart breaking. Who wants to watch the love of their life struggle?? You're naive to think it's because we want 'perfect' children. We want healthy children who aren't subjected to illness, hospital visits, uncertainty. What's wrong with wanting a healthy baby. Boy or girl, good health and longevity is what we all wish upon our blessings.

Sometimes you really can do no right on this site! People complain if they have a girl already and someone says "oh you'll be wanting a boy then" like everyone wants the full set!

I have literally said your opening post line this evening, my friend has a girl already, they aren't going to find out what they are having this time. My friend said himself he agreed "I don't care. I just want baby to be happy and healthy."

What exact line would you like people to say?

Everyone wants their child to be healthy. Obviously. Sometimes that doesn't happen. But gender surely pales into insignificance over health. Its fine to say thats what you want for your child. But it doesn't mean you love them less if they're not healthy.

Dc1 is Asd when pregnant with my second pregnancy I was carrying twins but miscarriaged 1 of the babies.

From then on I wanted a baby to bring home. I wanted a heathy baby without additional needs.

If dd did have a disability then the way I felt about her would not have changed.

FGS, why would anyone wish for additional needs? Most parents want an easy life for their child, if the baby isn't healthy or has additional needs then that child's life may be complex and difficult.

Expectant parents shouldn't have to justify how they feel to you!

I'm praying for a healthy baby.

I've said it before, not because i wouldn't love a child born with a disability or illness but because i've had a baby born terminally ill, he suffered through his whole 4 months of life. It was horrendous and i don't think i could watch a child of mine suffer like that again, so yes i wish every baby i have is healthy because the alternative is horrendous.