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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate the expression 'as long as baby is healthy i don't mind the gender ?

102 replies

mrsfuzzy · 11/01/2015 23:01

i know it's something people say but it really makes me sad for the little one waiting to born, if there are problems are the parents going to love it any less, are they disappointed because they did not get the 'ideal result'. all children are special, i just feel uncomfortable when i hear it said.
what do others think ?

OP posts:

HelloItsStillMeFell · 12/01/2015 05:00

it really makes me sad for the little one waiting to born, if there are problems are the parents going to love it any less, are they disappointed because they did not get the 'ideal result'.

Well I totally agree with you there, except I reserve that sentiment for people who are hoping for a specific sex and are disappointed. I don't think many people love their ill or disabled child any less, just because they were born ill or disabled. And if they are disappointed they are disappointed for the child, and the challenges it faces, not disappointed with the child, like they've just unwrapped some crap Christmas present when they were hoping for something better. There is a big difference.

I agree it's often the only suitable response to a very dull and crass question.

Everyone hopes for a healthy baby above all else, don't they? It's not wrong or disrespectful to people with disabilities to point that out.

However accepting of your child's disabilities or health issues you might be, and however proud you are of them, no-one would choose that for their child, would they?

HelloItsStillMeFell · 12/01/2015 05:04

people wanting a 'perfect baby' i.e don't want disablities etc,

Does anyone want disabilities for their child?

magpieginglebells · 12/01/2015 05:08

My baby is sleeping next to me now. Would I love her less if she wasn't 'healthy' in any way? No, of course not. Am I bloody glad that she is here, alive, no current health problems, no current disability? Of course I am! Who on earth wouldn't want a healthy baby? Doesn't mean that you wouldn't love an 'unhealthy' baby any less.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 12/01/2015 05:08

i have six healthy kids and the eldest is an aspie, but that does not matter a jot, he's our son and that's all that matters.

Lovely. Good for you. But if when you were PG with him the doctor had said 'we can arrange for you to have a child with autism or a child without any recognised disabilities at all. Which would you prefer?' what would your answer have been?

Royalsighness · 12/01/2015 07:12

I'm sorry but most people hope for a healthy child, for the child's sake! This doesn't mean they would abandon a child with birth defects or disabilities at all it just means they hope their child is healthy and well.

After a scare in early pregnancy I tell people I'm happy to just be having a baby so I'm not fussed about having a boy or girl, I didn't realise this was so offensive!

HeadingHome · 12/01/2015 07:21

I always say: "I don't care, as long as it's attractive".

"Either, but perhaps not both, because that can be a little harder".

lambsie · 12/01/2015 07:23

I have a child with disabilities and if I could take those away from him, I would. It is not about love but about wanting his life to be less confusing, less frustrating, less painful and less open to neglect and abuse.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 07:24

Yabvvu, don't you want a baby that is not suffering? That is not effected by illness or disease. Yes if it happens, parents cross that bridge if it comes,

BMW6 · 12/01/2015 07:33

What an odd response to such a normal wish, OP .
No-one in the history of mankind would CHOOSE to have a baby with disabilities/unhealthy. For the childs sake, first and foremost.

ithoughtofitfirst · 12/01/2015 07:38

I said that both pregnancies without giving it much thought. Of course I wanted healthy children.

MarrogfromMars · 12/01/2015 07:46

Does anyone ever actually answer the gender question with anything other than "I don't mind"? Even if I had eg hoped for a girl I wouldn't tell random people that because then if it was a boy they'd think I must be disappointed. It's not like you get to choose!

HellKitty · 12/01/2015 08:00

I had 2 DS and was pregnant with my third baby. Encouraged by friends to ask about the gender (to get me used to a possible third DS) I asked. He was another boy. My heart sank on the examination table and then they found he had a kidney problem. All thoughts of the baby's sex went straight out of the window, immediately, so yeah, I think you're being U.

MissBattleaxe · 12/01/2015 08:05

OP- this is nit picking and hair splitting to an Olympian degree.

People hope for good health for their babies the way they wish for good health for anyone they love.

It is completely normal and when mothers have babies who do have poor health of life long conditions, they love their babies no less. This does not need to be specified in response to smalltalk. Get a grip.

Your friend has gender disappointment issues and there are forums on mumsnet that could help her if you do a search.

ohmyactualgiddyaunt · 12/01/2015 08:06

I'm guilty of saying it. I meant it. My eldest died at birth due to a congenital brain malformation which caused a number of other abnormalities. I really truly did not give a flying squirrel what the genders of my next children were as long as they were not affected by the same malformation. Thankfully they are not.

MissBattleaxe · 12/01/2015 08:11

So sorry giddyaunt

MidniteScribbler · 12/01/2015 08:28

It took me seven years to carry a child. I didn't give a shit what gender that child was. And of course I wanted that child to be healthy. Who sits there and says 'oh I'd like a boy, and I'd like him to have xxxxx'? EVERYONE wants a healthy child.

ScathingContempt · 12/01/2015 08:41

When people were rude enough to ask, I'd simply say that I'd be happy with either.

The reason I think it's a rude question is because if anyone was to answer honestly and say 'I'm really hoping for a girl this time' they will get a load of pity if they have a boy and have stupid people insinuating their child is unwanted.

So if you're going to ask an inappropriate question, expect an inappropriate answer.

WD41 · 12/01/2015 08:54

Ok well I did have a preference on gender (so shoot me, just being honest) but this is something I would have said as obviously the baby's health was the most important thing. Nobody would actively choose a child with a health problem, would they? Doesn't mean they'd love them any less though. Yabu.

Wincher · 12/01/2015 09:05

I agree OP - it just seems to be a non sequitur to me. Of course every parent hopes their baby will be healthy, but this surely has nothing to do with their sex. It's the 'as long as' that gets me - if you say "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as it's healthy" - that logically means if the baby has health problems, you would then suddenly really want it to be a boy? Or a girl? Hmm. They are just two unconnected things about a baby - sex and health - and I don't understand why they are always linked. Someone did point out up thread that this could be because you can find out both of these things at the 20 week scan (for a few health issues, of course), but I'm not sure that totally explains it - people have been saying this for longer than the 25 years or so that scans have been able to determine sex.

stargirl1701 · 12/01/2015 09:08

YABU.

When I use it, I mean alive. I don't care about sex. I just want my baby to be alive at the scan. No horrible black mass where the heartbeat should be. Healthy = alive.

iwantkhaleesiseyebrows · 12/01/2015 09:09

Haven't read all of the posts but I say this when asked. Why? My DS1 had a condition which was incompatible with life, discovered at 20 week scan. To be honest it boils my piss when people ask me, in subsequent pregnancies, if I have a preference. Trust me, when you've gone through that hell all you care about is having a healthy baby.

53Dragon · 12/01/2015 09:12

I think 'I don't mind about the gender as long as it's healthy' is a polite way of saying 'Of course I don't care whether it's a boy or a girl - why are you asking such an inane question you twat'

OddBoots · 12/01/2015 09:16

I have a congenital disability myself but I'm sure my parents wish I hadn't been disabled and I'd not blame them for it. It is hard to live with disability and pain and it is just as hard to see your child disabled and in pain.

beadybaby · 12/01/2015 09:27

This is such a weird interpretation of a fairly common saying.

I have a disabled child and subsequently a non disabled child who had a high chance of having the same disability at birth.

My first child is the most adored little girl on the planet, loved unconditionally and I wouldn't change her in any way. However I am not indifferent to her disability and I don't wish it on any of my other children.

None of those feelings are impacted by a throwaway turn of phrase.

OP are you particularly worried about having a child with disability or how you would cope. it's the only explanation I can think of for your highly creative understanding of this answer to a simple question.

netty7070 · 12/01/2015 09:32

I said this a lot as I discovered at my first 12 week scan than the baby had died at 11 weeks, and that I had a malformed womb which made further MC more likely. Second time around at the 20 week scan all I cared about was that the baby was alive and developing normally. In fact DH and I hadn't even discussed beforehand whether we wanted to know the sex - it was that irrelevant to us!

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