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AIBU?

To be utterly pissed off with lazy, selfish DP

195 replies

TooManyButtons · 11/01/2015 11:11

DP has contact with his 3 children every other Sunday, from 12-5. On these days, he'll get up around 10.30, go and pick his kids up, take them to his parents' house, then drop them off and arrive back here at 5.30. He then refuses to do anything, saying he's tired after looking after the kids.

We have ongoing issues over him not pulling his weight around the house - he works Monday-Thursday in a call centre, I work full time 12 hour shifts as a nurse, yet the housework/food shopping/running the house is primarily left to me. He doesn't start work until 10 or 11, yet refuses to get up a bit earlier to empty the dishwasher/walk the dog, instead leaving it all to me.

He has debts left from his marriage, so only contributes £100-200 a month towards bills, so I have the responsibility of managing finances, yet he always has money for beer/e-cig stuff. His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere. This money would be enough for him to clear his debts.

I made him go food shopping this week, for the first time ever, which he did, but only after I'd planned the week's food, and written him a shopping list detailing every single item we needed. And handed over my bank card to pay for it.

I've cried/begged/pleaded for help around the house, but nothing changes. I've done nearly 50 hours at work this week, and my rare weekend off is being spent cleaning and tidying. I'm just so, so exhausted.

OP posts:

Report

getdownshep · 11/01/2015 16:50

Get rid, get yourself a cleaner and a dog walker with the money you save.
My df was a useless man, my mum hung on for 26 years, don't waste your life.

12daysofpissedoff · 11/01/2015 16:58

His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere

Solicitors accounts rules prohibit this. Are you certain he's telling you the truth? Why didn't they just post him a cheque or send a bank transfer following completion of the sale?

TooManyButtons · 11/01/2015 17:17

His ex won't agree to a 50:50 split on the house proceeds so he's waiting for her to take him to court for it to be divided up.

OP posts:

flippinada · 11/01/2015 17:27

Does this man bring anything positive to your life at all? It doesn't sound like it.

I find it hard to believe that being on your own would be any worse than being with this complete and utter waste of space.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 17:31

And that's a reason why you need to subsidise him for eternity? He has a place to go and a job. Why on Earth do you feel compelled to lodge this utter arsehole who leaves you crying at night? He doesn't even look after his own kids. What a waster.

Do you think this is setting a good example to your daughter, to us up with any old cocklodger?

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 17:32

Bet his ex got sick of his lazy cocklodging.

Shakey1500 · 11/01/2015 17:33

I'll add my LTB to the unanimous list.

OP how do you feel reading the overwhelming LTB responses? Do you think you'll do anything?

Nancy66 · 11/01/2015 17:37

so he doesn't even want the mother of his 3 kids to have a decent share of the divorce settlement?

he sounds just lovely. You keep a hold of him. Women are queuing up to get their mitts on a guy like this.

Groovee · 11/01/2015 17:49

You deserve so much better and to be happy and feel loved. You sound like a lovely person, you know in your heart what you need to do xx

ImperialBlether · 11/01/2015 17:57

I've never seen such a clear case of LTB.

He's got himself sorted, hasn't he? His mum and dad mind his children every contact visit, you do everything in the house and he only pays a tiny amount of money to you for the privilege of letting him stay there.

It would be really, really interesting to know whether he actually is paying off his debts, too. And whether his mum really does insist on seeing the grandchildren and him for a full day each weekend.

OP, what would your daughter say if you told her you were dumping this loser?

seeminglyso · 11/01/2015 17:57

Jesus Christ how do these men get partners? Get rid... There was clearly very good reason why a woman with three kids chose to boot him out.

Fairenuff · 11/01/2015 17:57

On the other hand... if you keep him OP, it will save some other poor woman being saddled with him.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 18:04

You see threads like this all too often, and usually, the OP has another one under a different name like, 'Should D'P' move in?' With unanimous 'NO' because invariably it's a shit pike like this one who 'can't' pay more than a few quid towards his own expenses, often they also bring their kids into the woman's home (at least the OP is spared this) on contact days, but the OP moves the loser in anyway and then comes back after a few months, sad because he turned out to be himself.

Sadly, such OPs usually have their own children at home, too, to witness a shite relationship.

flippinada · 11/01/2015 18:07

seemingly IME they are charming and loveliness until their victim is well and truly hooked trapped and they get their feet under the table....that's when they show their true colours.

seeminglyso · 11/01/2015 18:11

Hmmm he doesn't sound capable of charm.... But yeah hear what your saying, but this is a clear cut goodbye. There is no trapping here, she has no kids with him and is not financially dependant.there are no gains here.. Just a load of hassle and pent up anger and resentment. He is a free loading cheeky bugger!

TooManyButtons · 11/01/2015 18:14

Believe me he was very charming indeed. Promised me the earth. Promised he'd look after me. Promised he'd look for a better job. That's why it's so hard to walk away. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 11/01/2015 18:18

you're not walking away. He is.

he broke all his promises, so the only reason to feel an idiot would be if you let him stay which...hate it say...it sounds like you will do.

AnnieLobeseder · 11/01/2015 18:18

Um, no, I can see why you might have been taken in by him. But I don't remotely see why the fact that he's failed to deliver and shown himself to be a liar as well as a wankbadger makes it hard to walk away. Surely that would make it easy?

ImperialBlether · 11/01/2015 18:18

Where you would be an idiot is if you allowed this to continue once the scales have dropped from your eyes.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 18:19

Of course he did. That's why, for future reference, they don't move in unless they are already in that better job.

'That's why it's so hard to walk away. I feel like such an idiot.'

It's even more foolish to allow him to stay. And you are not walking away, it's your house. Street him. We all make mistakes, but keeping it up is just stupid.

And FWIW, do not buy into anyone who says they will look after you. You are not a child, you can look after yourself. There is no such thing as Prince Charming.

spacepoppy · 11/01/2015 18:19

Could you list his redeeming features? Doesn't have to be public, here... Just write a mental list of actual real tangible things (ie not promises/words!) he offers to your relationship.
Is it a long list?

Hatespiders · 11/01/2015 18:20

If you go on like this you'll have some sort of breakdown, either mental or physical. You're a nurse, so you know how people fall ill under such stress and exhaustion.
This man has not an ounce of care of concern for you and does NOT love you no matter what he says. Any loving dp wouldn't be able to bear seeing you in this state and not want to take the load off your shoulders.
Please op make the necessary preparations for getting rid of him. There are lovely men out there who would be happy to have you as their partner and cherish you as you deserve. If you can break free soon, by summer you could be in a totally different lifestyle, either having fun dating or meeting a lovely man.

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MortaIWombat · 11/01/2015 18:21

That should make it easier to 'walk away', as he has fulfilled none of his promises. You are a bit dim to let him stay any longer. And if you own your property, he's the one who should be walking away.

flippinada · 11/01/2015 18:38

Well, charm is relative..I suppose they are as charming and lovely as they need to be to get what they want. Which is someone to 'look after' them.

areyoubeingserviced · 11/01/2015 18:45

My dh said that he wants to come and live with you as he would be guaranteed; free sex, free food , practically free accommodation and a live in servant.
In fact I want to come and live with you.
Op, you don't have any reason to stay with this man, you have a home, a job , no ties to this asshole.
The only thing he can give you is sex and to be honest I would rather use a broom covered with rusty nails to satisfy my sexual urges than to sleep with the ass.

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