To be utterly pissed off with lazy, selfish DP

[TooManyButtons]

DP has contact with his 3 children every other Sunday, from 12-5. On these days, he'll get up around 10.30, go and pick his kids up, take them to his parents' house, then drop them off and arrive back here at 5.30. He then refuses to do anything, saying he's tired after looking after the kids.

We have ongoing issues over him not pulling his weight around the house - he works Monday-Thursday in a call centre, I work full time 12 hour shifts as a nurse, yet the housework/food shopping/running the house is primarily left to me. He doesn't start work until 10 or 11, yet refuses to get up a bit earlier to empty the dishwasher/walk the dog, instead leaving it all to me.

He has debts left from his marriage, so only contributes £100-200 a month towards bills, so I have the responsibility of managing finances, yet he always has money for beer/e-cig stuff. His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere. This money would be enough for him to clear his debts.

I made him go food shopping this week, for the first time ever, which he did, but only after I'd planned the week's food, and written him a shopping list detailing every single item we needed. And handed over my bank card to pay for it.

I've cried/begged/pleaded for help around the house, but nothing changes. I've done nearly 50 hours at work this week, and my rare weekend off is being spent cleaning and tidying. I'm just so, so exhausted.

[HansieLove]

You are better than this. You feel you have been an idiot to believe him, but why let this go on a minute longer? You have wised up, you know what to do, so please ditch him, and soon. You will feel like a weight has lifted. I like the idea of getting a dog walker, or even let your dog go to doggie day care, after which he would be exhausted. And then a cleaner? Why not, all your expenses will be less with cocklodger gone.

[MrsAmaretto]

Have you kicked him out?

Life is too short to waste it on him.

[Jux]

You certainly are NOT an idiot or dim, not at all. But you've been lied to by someone whom you had a reasonable expectation to be truthful. After all, why would someone who wants a long term relationship lie to you? That's a very good way of embarking on a relationship, and should not make you feel bad about yourself in any way at all.

There are some people - a minority thank goodness, even though reading the Relationships board here could make you think they are in the majority - who take advantage of those around him, and will have a 'good' explanation for anything.

However, once you've got the measure of the man, you have to rip him out, even if it feels like you are ripping out your heart at the same time. Otherwise, it just gets worse, and more difficult.

Do it so that you do have a chance of a happy life (I like the sound of being surrounded by cats and dogs!) and do it so your dd has a fine example of how to get rid of a tosser when you need to and knows that you, and she, are worth more and deserve better.

[Surreyblah]

You are no idiot, he put on a good act.

Even setting aside the general cocklodging and meanness, how dare he use his (very short, infrequent and supervised by his parents ffs!) contact with the DC as an excuse to lie in, avoid domestics and complain of tiredness/stress! Disrespectful to you and the DC, and his ex who presumably does the actual parenting. Shitty excuse for a father.

[Icimoi]

He doesn't have to wait for his ex to take him to court to sort out the sale proceeds of thir house, he can start proceedings himself.

[Inertia]

At least if you live alone you'd have the possibility of happiness.

Life with this guy is guaranteed to be a drudgery- filled , financially draining misery of a life.

[Aherdofmims]

Get rid!

The clearest LTB there has been for a while.

[TurnOverTheTv]

I hope you're kicking him out right now!

[Jux]

Kick him out. You're a convenient and cheap place to live and he (used to) gets sex thrown in for nothing.

You will never meet a better man if you stay with this one.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Fairenuff - I imagine he managed to keep up the nice act until his ex was pregnant/on mat leave and at her most vulnerable emotionally and financially before he let the mask slip. And then she was kept in a haze of nappies/todder tantrums/potty training and financial dependence for the next few years. Then once the youngest was old enough for her to have the time and headspace to look around at what had happened to her life, she thought "fuck this!" and ran for the hills.

Am I right, OP, that his three children are fairly close in age?

[ToSeaInaSieve]

Oops I meant "didn't work out"

[MissMogwi]

Although it's been said many times, please leave this utter waste of space.

Imagine how lovely it will be to not only be free of him, but also free of being constantly pissed off and upset every time you walk in the door.

Much better to be single and happy, than miserable in a 'relationship'.

Good luck.

[ToSeaInaSieve]

There's no shame in realising someone doesn't make you happy and ending it. People do it every day. It doesn't mean you're an idiot, it means you embarked on a relationship and when you got to know him better you changed your mind. Your reasons are cast-iron and everyone who's posted on this thread wouldn't stand for this crap either.

If you get rid, don't feel ashamed that a relationship worked out. If people ask, say it loud and proud, "He seemed nice at first but he turned out to be a lazy obnoxious arse." No one can say you din't try. And there's no law that says because you let someone move in, you have to put up with them treating you badly. It's your house, you are self-sufficient, no kids with him, you really do hold the key to your own happiness.

[TheyLearnedFromBrian]

You're no idiot, OP.

It's a bit of an onslaught here isn't it. Just to say, from someone who's been around a long time - on this board, this is the equivalent of being surrounded by a whole bunch of good mates, all with arms around you, baying for blood because they're up in arms about your treatment and are furious that you're in this situation. Because you don't deserve it. You come across as nice, normal, fair, trusting. Those are GOOD THINGS.

Nothing brings out the Relationships board collective shriek of vengeance like seeing a clearly decent person being taken for a ride. It's not hard for that to happen. All you need is someone like this - someone whose first thought, always, is how they can grease their own nasty little palms first, and are more than willing to play pretend and make pretty promises so they get it.

Don't get put off by the strength of feeling on here, especially if you know full well you're not prepared or not ready to chuck this guy now. If you want support, you'll get it here. Lots of people on here understand just where you are because they've been here too. Just because the solution to this looks easy, doesn't mean it is.

You deserve a LOT better than this, and so does your DC. And you are most certainly not an idiot.

[seeminglyso]

It's not hard to walk away from a freeloading waste of space - do yourself a favour and Your young daughter - don't let her grow up thinking this is what a partnership is all about - it really isn't! Go find yourself. A nice doctor In the hospital you work in :)

[Fairenuff]

Well someone else managed to like him enough to have three children with him so you can be excused for falling for his act I suppose. But now you know what he's like you would be pretty dim to stay with him.

[MrsMinton]

Is he back Buttons from his visit?

[fishinabarrell]

You aren't an idiot op, you fell for his act as his ex did. Take charge of your life and remove all the shit from it.

[BetterTogether75]

I could be wrong, but I think you may have posted about this before? I can't add anything to what has been said above - bin!

[HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway]

He's got it made with you, hasn't he? You do everything and he contributes a maximum of £200 a month.

pfft. You are being taken for a mug.

It's your house? Honestly, you would be best off booting him out of it.

[areyoubeingserviced]

My dh said that he wants to come and live with you as he would be guaranteed; free sex, free food , practically free accommodation and a live in servant.
In fact I want to come and live with you.
Op, you don't have any reason to stay with this man, you have a home, a job , no ties to this asshole.
The only thing he can give you is sex and to be honest I would rather use a broom covered with rusty nails to satisfy my sexual urges than to sleep with the ass.

[flippinada]

Well, charm is relative..I suppose they are as charming and lovely as they need to be to get what they want. Which is someone to 'look after' them.

[MortaIWombat]

That should make it easier to 'walk away', as he has fulfilled none of his promises. You are a bit dim to let him stay any longer. And if you own your property, he's the one who should be walking away.

[Hatespiders]

If you go on like this you'll have some sort of breakdown, either mental or physical. You're a nurse, so you know how people fall ill under such stress and exhaustion.
This man has not an ounce of care of concern for you and does NOT love you no matter what he says. Any loving dp wouldn't be able to bear seeing you in this state and not want to take the load off your shoulders.
Please op make the necessary preparations for getting rid of him. There are lovely men out there who would be happy to have you as their partner and cherish you as you deserve. If you can break free soon, by summer you could be in a totally different lifestyle, either having fun dating or meeting a lovely man.

[spacepoppy]

Could you list his redeeming features? Doesn't have to be public, here... Just write a mental list of actual real tangible things (ie not promises/words!) he offers to your relationship.
Is it a long list?