To be utterly pissed off with lazy, selfish DP

[TooManyButtons]

DP has contact with his 3 children every other Sunday, from 12-5. On these days, he'll get up around 10.30, go and pick his kids up, take them to his parents' house, then drop them off and arrive back here at 5.30. He then refuses to do anything, saying he's tired after looking after the kids.

We have ongoing issues over him not pulling his weight around the house - he works Monday-Thursday in a call centre, I work full time 12 hour shifts as a nurse, yet the housework/food shopping/running the house is primarily left to me. He doesn't start work until 10 or 11, yet refuses to get up a bit earlier to empty the dishwasher/walk the dog, instead leaving it all to me.

He has debts left from his marriage, so only contributes £100-200 a month towards bills, so I have the responsibility of managing finances, yet he always has money for beer/e-cig stuff. His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere. This money would be enough for him to clear his debts.

I made him go food shopping this week, for the first time ever, which he did, but only after I'd planned the week's food, and written him a shopping list detailing every single item we needed. And handed over my bank card to pay for it.

I've cried/begged/pleaded for help around the house, but nothing changes. I've done nearly 50 hours at work this week, and my rare weekend off is being spent cleaning and tidying. I'm just so, so exhausted.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I worked a 12 hour shift on Christmas day. He went to his parents'. When I got home from work, the first thing he said was how tired he was.

He really is a shit bag! Get rid! I'd rather be alone forever not really alone if you have your dogs :D than be with this waste of skin!

[Nancy66]

he's not going to change.

so what's your next step?

[comedycentral]

I can see why he is with you! Real easy ride.

LTB! Free yourself and your daughter of this cock lodger!

[AnnieLobeseder]

Of course he won't change. Why would he? He's got a fantastic set-up.

Why are you so scared of being alone? Surely being alone is better than living in resentment and frustration, being treated like a slave? And if you do want to find someone who would be a genuine life companion, you need to get this wanker out of the way asap.

You might find a fantastic man to be with forever. You might not. It's perfectly possible for you to be happy either way. But you're not happy now. Nor will you ever be as long as this cocklodger is in your life.

[expatinscotland]

Being alone is miles better than subsidising a cocklodging arsehole like this and crying yourself to sleep. Of course he won't get better or change, that is why his ex divorced him.

Bin now! Don't put it off. You're burning daylight.

And do The Freedom Programme before even thinking of dating again. Work on your self-esteem, too, you don't want your daughter thinking this kind of relationship is ever okay.

[MrsMinton]

Buttons he won't change and if he can stand and watch you cry and still not help out, then he doesn't care about you.

You should have come home at the end of that shift to a hug and a cuppa and a chat. Not a whiny childish man who doesn't think of anyone but himself.

Alone with your child, to please yourself and not feel hurt and let down would be better than this.

[Skinidin]

As soon as I read it was your house I said get rid. Seriously.
He can go back to mummy and you will save on the no doubt huge amount of food that he eats.

[Fairenuff]

He is at his parents so call and tell him not to come back. Pack up his things and ask someone to drop them round to him at their house. Job done.

[ToSeaInaSieve]

Well OP I don't think you have a permanent future with this twunt and no he's not going to change. So if you don't want to be alone (although I think alone sounds like a bed of roses compared to him!) then your best bet surely is to be single!

You have a job, a house, a DD, pets and a busy life - all he is is a drain on your energy. Plus you have no ties to him, no DC with him, no shared property - KICK HIM OUT.

If he has any plus points, like being great in bed or something, you could just have him as an occasional friend with benefits while he has his own place or lives with his parents. All the cock, none of the lodge!

Although I somehow doubt he's great in bed...

If you're in a partnership and living together, you should ideally work equal hours whether that's paid work or childcare/housework/admin/dog-walking and all the rest of it. So if one person has longer paid work hours, the other (health allowing) makes up to the same amount of time doing what needs to be done at home - then if there is still work left to be done, you split it. That's fair. If someone is working fewer hours than you, does no housework and refuses to change, of course you can't respect them!

[gamerchick]

Have a think about it OP. He won't be on his uppers. . He has a place to go and money in the bank. . You won't really be worse off financially and more importantly you won't be crying yourself to sleep by night and seething by day.

Every minute you're with this person is another day without the chance of finding your happy.

Have a think about it. You have the perfect opportunity to get him out today if you want things to change.

[MinceSpy]

First thing change your PIN number immediately.

Why would he use the settlement money from his divorce to pay off his debts when you are supporting him. You provide him with a clean, warm home, meals and sex all for £100 - £200 a month what a bargain. Then his mum minds and feeds his kids on his access day.

Make a list of all that he does bring to the relationship and your life. What you do next is up to you.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I wrote a long post, that the iPad promptly lost - however, I don't think I can improve on what expat said.

He is highly unlikely to change, and you deserve so much better than this.

[ToSeaInaSieve]

And then if you do meet a nice man who's worthy of you, you'll be free.

[Tootssweet]

Buttons - please just pack this useless mans things up and leave by the door as the last thing you'll ever do for him! Then spend some time indulging yourself & your dd in whatever the two of you like doing together, whilst feeling happier that there is less housework to do, lower bills to pay & you are now a free for when a decent man comes along who sees & treats you as an equal. (Disclaimer - this may take some time as you are not gong to settle for any old cocklodger who comes along!)

[ExitPursuedByABear]

And what was it that first attracted you to this twat man?

[OhGoveUckYourself]

My first ever LTB. He won't change and you will become more and more stressed and unhappy. Being on your own is a million times better than the constant stress of living with this man who brings nothing positive to your life.

[clam]

"Why should he help you?" he says?

Well, it's not "helping" is it? It's him pulling his weight to maintain his living space. In fact, if you're working full time and he's just 4 days a week, technically he should be doing more than you.

But who cares? It's a waste of time splitting hairs over it - GET RID OF HIM.

[Katinkka]

Get rid of him. Dear God, what a situation!

[BringMeTea]

Dear Lord. Why would you want to stay with him? OP I truly hope you started this thread because you are at your limit. Hopefully the responses will enable to screw up your courage and get rid of this loser asap.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Can I move in for £200pm? You don't even have to have sex with me.

[applejacksauntie]

You have to tell him to leave. You sound like a lovely lady but he is taking you for a mug.

[CaramelPie]

OP, you mention " the crippling fear of spending the rest of my life alone", but there is nothing more lonely that being in a relationship like this.

[MortaIWombat]

Thanks, op. Thanks for taking one for the team.

Thanks to your generosity in keeping, feeding and slaving for this unpleasant-sounding man, you are sparing hundreds of other women in your town/city the horror of meeting and being very briefly taken in by this cocklodger. Please don't let him loose onto the streets. Bad luck wasting your life on him, but hey, I'm a great believer in utilitarianism.

You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

Now go back and reread your answers (as they used to say at GCSE)

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

He's a lazy, selfish cocklodger who is not going to change. Why would he, when he has you doing every single thing or him. While he's out today pack up all his stuff, put it outside in bin bags then text him to come and pick it up. He can stay with his parents and sponge off them instead. Change the alarm code if you have one, then tomorrow change the locks. Don't enter into any discussion because all that'll happen is he'll promise to change, then won't. You said yourself that nothing changes, so YOU are the one who has to make a change.