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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be utterly pissed off with lazy, selfish DP

195 replies

TooManyButtons · 11/01/2015 11:11

DP has contact with his 3 children every other Sunday, from 12-5. On these days, he'll get up around 10.30, go and pick his kids up, take them to his parents' house, then drop them off and arrive back here at 5.30. He then refuses to do anything, saying he's tired after looking after the kids.

We have ongoing issues over him not pulling his weight around the house - he works Monday-Thursday in a call centre, I work full time 12 hour shifts as a nurse, yet the housework/food shopping/running the house is primarily left to me. He doesn't start work until 10 or 11, yet refuses to get up a bit earlier to empty the dishwasher/walk the dog, instead leaving it all to me.

He has debts left from his marriage, so only contributes £100-200 a month towards bills, so I have the responsibility of managing finances, yet he always has money for beer/e-cig stuff. His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere. This money would be enough for him to clear his debts.

I made him go food shopping this week, for the first time ever, which he did, but only after I'd planned the week's food, and written him a shopping list detailing every single item we needed. And handed over my bank card to pay for it.

I've cried/begged/pleaded for help around the house, but nothing changes. I've done nearly 50 hours at work this week, and my rare weekend off is being spent cleaning and tidying. I'm just so, so exhausted.

OP posts:
AlleyCat11 · 11/01/2015 11:56

I'd be interested to see what the first wife has to say... Did she dump him?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 11/01/2015 11:56

COCK LODGER!!!

Humansatnav · 11/01/2015 11:57

Tell him to fuck off out of your house.

ApocalypseThen · 11/01/2015 11:57

When the poor put upon manny comes home from his mammy today, let him sit himself down and give him his notice to leave.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 11/01/2015 11:57

Just break up with him for goodness sake! Why would you want to live your life like this?

JennyBlueWren · 11/01/2015 11:57

Sorry I cross-posted.
"He half woke up, mumbled that he didn't want to get up because he'd be getting up in a couple of hours to get the kids, so I got up and fed them." You gave in and did it! Don't give in. Tell him he needs to get up now and feed the pets. If you do it for him then he knows he doesn't need to get up for a few hours.

How much of a messy house can you stand? If you can do it I'd suggest you divide up the housework between you and ONLY DO YOUR SHARE. Do it as one of you does the dishes one does the laundry. If you do half the dishes there'll always be clean bowls for him to eat from. If you refuse to do any -it being his job- then the plates and bowls will pile up (and your kitchen will be a tip) but eventually he'll say something about it (often involving swear words) and you can casually suggest that if he wants a clean fork he could do the dishes.
If he is in charge of laundry you might find you have to put a load through for yourself so you've got something clean to wear but don't do anything more than you have to or ANY of his stuff. When he's used his last worst pants he'll realise that laundry needs doing.

My DH used to use "I don't like to..." or "I don't want to..." to avoid doing things but then I pointed out that I don't like doing the dishes either but as we both liked eating with clean utensils it was up to both of us to get them done.

The problem comes when you speak about individual incidents -it becomes a big deal about one little incident of not feeding the cat but you need to talk to him about the big overall picture. Not sure if financial and housework should be discussed together or separately though.

diddl · 11/01/2015 11:59

Jeez, change the locks whilst he's out this afternoon & leave his stuff out for him!

ArsenicFaceCream · 11/01/2015 11:59

You don't want to be in this relationship, do you?

It sounds like you are looking for agreement before dumping him.

(BTW What's a spaniel alarm??)

Slongette · 11/01/2015 12:00

I'd have his stuff waiting for him on the doorstep when he comes back!

Humansatnav · 11/01/2015 12:01

And he is not your dp. He is in no way acting as a partner.

makingdoo · 11/01/2015 12:01

If I were you I'd spend this afternoon packing up his stuff.

He's using you. You aren't getting anything out of this relationship. Free yourself from the burden.

dreamingbohemian · 11/01/2015 12:02

I don't think it's a case of him being 'too lazy' to contact the solicitor. As it is, he keeps the big chunk of money and you bankroll him. He knows that if he used the money to pay off his debts then he'd have to use his income to start contributing fairly to the household.

Yep. Sorry OP but you're being very foolish to support him when he has a chunk of money sitting somewhere. Just dump him already.

Reddragon116 · 11/01/2015 12:03

TooManyButtons - the only thing you are being unreasonable about is letting this continue. doing housework is not a 'favour' to you it what any self respecting human does when they live in a house as is paying your when (wherever possible).
You do not let him turn around on you - if he says you are being petty as 'its just the cat' 'or just the bin' or whatever you say - no thats the point - e is not even doing the little things he is lazy and disrespectful .
Even better - dispense with conversation and tell him to piss off.

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/01/2015 12:03

Just kick him out!

What positives does he bring to your life?

Original poster
TooManyButtons · 11/01/2015 12:04

Arsenic I think you're right there. And a spaniel alarm is a hungry cocker spaniel at the bottom of the stairs, ramping up the noise from soft whimpers to full on barking. It's a very reliable and effective method of waking up!

OP posts:
Chunderella · 11/01/2015 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 11/01/2015 12:06

So what exactly do you want to happen? If you just want to vent it out then that's fine. Life will go on. What is your next step for change?

esiotrot2015 · 11/01/2015 12:07

Now you know why he's divorced

It's over op

He can go and live with his mum

Does your 16 year old like him ?

balia · 11/01/2015 12:08

He sounds utterly useless. Do you need more of a 'push' to get rid, instead of just venting? Have a think about the model of relationships you are demonstrating to your 16 year old. That would help me.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 12:08

He is sitting on that money whilst you run round him.

Humansatnav · 11/01/2015 12:09

I could not respect a waste of space like him. I too would be bagging up his stuff. Life is too short for shit like that .

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 12:11

FFS. Pack his shit and hand it to him when he gets home. He goes to his mum's or wherever, he has money for a hotel. Just get rid. He's a cocklodging loser.

Mulligrubs · 11/01/2015 12:12

If I were you I'd lay it out - "DP, you don't contribute enough to the household financially or for chores and housework. I am getting to the end of my patience with you, make more effort to do x, y, z"

Give it a couple of weeks and if no change then I'd get rid of him. He sounds like he's leeching off you OP, you sound really lovely and you deserve better.

abigkerfuffle · 11/01/2015 12:13

You say he works Monday-Thursday so what the hell does he do on a Friday while you're working your 12 hour shift?
Just LTB and have an easier,nicer life.

Nancy66 · 11/01/2015 12:14

it's your home, you don't love him and you have no ties to him.

you have all the power. Tell him to move out. Stop waiting for him to change because he won't. And think of your daughter

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