To be utterly pissed off with lazy, selfish DP

[TooManyButtons]

DP has contact with his 3 children every other Sunday, from 12-5. On these days, he'll get up around 10.30, go and pick his kids up, take them to his parents' house, then drop them off and arrive back here at 5.30. He then refuses to do anything, saying he's tired after looking after the kids.

We have ongoing issues over him not pulling his weight around the house - he works Monday-Thursday in a call centre, I work full time 12 hour shifts as a nurse, yet the housework/food shopping/running the house is primarily left to me. He doesn't start work until 10 or 11, yet refuses to get up a bit earlier to empty the dishwasher/walk the dog, instead leaving it all to me.

He has debts left from his marriage, so only contributes £100-200 a month towards bills, so I have the responsibility of managing finances, yet he always has money for beer/e-cig stuff. His divorce was finalised ages ago and the family home sold, but as he's too lazy to speak to his solicitor, his share of the proceeds are sat in a holding account somewhere. This money would be enough for him to clear his debts.

I made him go food shopping this week, for the first time ever, which he did, but only after I'd planned the week's food, and written him a shopping list detailing every single item we needed. And handed over my bank card to pay for it.

I've cried/begged/pleaded for help around the house, but nothing changes. I've done nearly 50 hours at work this week, and my rare weekend off is being spent cleaning and tidying. I'm just so, so exhausted.

It's time to stop being such a mug

get shut of this loser

And a spaniel alarm is a hungry cocker spaniel at the bottom of the stairs, ramping up the noise from soft whimpers to full on barking.

Oh I see.

As he contributes so very little you will not be any worse off. Let him go and live with his mum.

If he thinks he is doing his fair share of stuff, have you ever asked him what he thinks he does and what he thinks you do and how he thinks it is being fair?

I wonder if he thinks the house elf does all the jobs and you take 5 minutes to clean the house plus you conveniently like doing laundry so that doesn't count and bingo he thinks you do the same rather than seeing what you actually do?

Did his mum work or was she a sahm who did everything for his dad and he wants the same without bothering (conveniently) to think that you're working hard, it's not the 1950s and he needs to step up too?

Please tell me that you are not doing his laundry or anything that directly helps him while he isn't helping you?

It sounds like he quite likes having his debt; he knows the lump sum is there waiting for him but for now he can claim poverty, get away with not contributing for his upkeep but be supported by you, while he gets to spend his money on his treats like beer.

Have you sat down and done the sums and worked out how much it is costing you to support your 'd'p? Including things like food, extra heating for when he is in the house but you're not, extra council tax for the second adult in the house, extra tax credits you might get without him there,etc etc. And then decide if you really want to be spending that much supporting somebody who wants to live an easy life at your expense while you slog your guts out...

Sit him down and tell him nicely.

At least he has Dparents to lodge with while he sorts himself out (or not), so it should be possible to do it swiftly and tidily.

What are you really asking here TooManyButtons?

There is no relationship here and it's just adding to your stress. It's also not a shining example to your DD.

What are you going to do?

Sometimes I feel like LTB is an over reaction but ... LTB. Do you get anything positive from this relationship? No? Get well rid.

Wow, his ex wife is a very lucky woman to have got rid of him. Shame he landed on you, OP. Are you going to keep him, or what?

Fuck all this bargaining and you put up with a messy house to teach him a lesson, etc. He won't change. That's why he is divorced now. He's a lazy cockwomble.

Get rid.

Just, 'We are through. Here are your things. Bye.'

No taking him back and he's going to change, etc. He won't. You have no ties to this person. He has been leeching off you. £200/month for fully-service abode and all in. Christ, he must be coining it in.

Of course he refuses to do FA.

What a hideous man. It sounds like you're in a relationship with a 12-year-old. I'd have kicked him out a long time ago.

I would put his belongings out of the house and tll him not to comeback

I'd get him to move out. Your life will be so much easier.

Bin. Immediately.

The bit where he said he won't help out in the house because you don't show enough affection says it all. He doesn't see it as his responsibility to keep his own living space clean and tidy. He sees it as your job and you should be pathetically grateful and shower him with sex if he "helps".

So I'll repeat my questions from earlier... what positives does he bring to your relationship and why are you with him?

He is just using you.

Seems to be a popular choice for a certain kind of divorced loser - wife sensibly gets rid, loser lines up a. parents for childcare to cover his job there - and this one's lucky enough to get a nice feed out of it every week too; b. another woman to house him, cook/clean/pick up the shit. Incidentally, other threads I've read similar to this also often feature a man with debts from the marriage. They need to find somewhere practically free to live, see, otherwise they'd have to really suffer with fewer fags and booze, and if they can find a woman willing to let them into their nest rather than returning to sponge off Mum and Dad - double bubble!

Imagine how much harder his life would be if he didn't have you to basically take over where his wife left off. I bet he was on his absolute best behaviour to get his feet under the table. Unfortunately, no-one can pretend to be something they're not for long: so now you're seeing the real him.

Your choice is to either live like this for the rest of your life - angry, frustrated, being shat on and scammed by a user - or to dump him, now, and get yourself out of this situation.

Will he change? No.
Does he love you? Doesn't know what the word means.
Will you thrive in this relationship? Are you now?
Is this a good example to set your child, what relationships should be like? No.
Will you be better off financially without him? Utterly yes!
Will you be better off emotionally without him? Well, do you enjoy feeling as if you're being used for sex, clean pants and a practically free house?
Will you be better off in other ways without him? Less stress and anxiety, free to do more with extra cash, living life honestly instead of in an emotional fuckup situation, free to meet someone honest, loving and worth it.

You have doubts about all this? Think about all the loving stuff he's said and done and juxtapose them with the real situation - lazy fucking using scumbag refusing to even walk the dog. So - do you think the pretty words meant anything?

Please please dump. Don't waste your one lovely life!

Your original post OP explains precisely why he is somebody's ex.
With a bit of luck he will be your ex soon.

You are very lucky not to be married to or own a house with this person.

He won't change.

I suppose I've been holding on, hoping he'd miraculously change. That and the crippling fear of spending the rest of my life alone. Surrounded by cats and dogs... although that does sound rather appealing!

I worked a 12 hour shift on Christmas day. He went to his parents'. When I got home from work, the first thing he said was how tired he was. I cried myself to sleep that night. It's not going to get any better is it.

Oh and you don't have to justify or argue about ANY of this.

You're overreacting? 'Yes, if you say so. Here's your stuff, get out.'

You're mad? 'Guess I must be! Crazily, I don't love or like you any more because I think you're a user. Here's your stuff, get out.'

You can't do this? 'Yes, I can. Anytime I like simply because I don't like you any more and don't want to be with you. Here's your stuff, get out.'

How can you say x, y, z? 'Because I feel like it. I didn't even need to say it, I don't need to say anything except here's your stuff and get out, actually.'

He turns it back on you - you smile and say 'Interesting interpretation. However, it doesn't matter to me or anyone else, unfortunately. Here's your stuff - GET OUT!'

If you've tried to make him help and it hasn't worked then either you accept that you do everything (and why on earth should you) or leave. It's really the end of the road when you say you haven't any affection left for him because of the way he has behaved.

No it's absolutely not going to get better. Please get rid. I bet you'll find someone much nicer in the future and you'll wonder why you spent so much time with this loser.

Please leave him. Don't tidy today, bag up his shit.

No he's not going to change

You won't spend the rest of your life alone! But you're not going to meet anyone decent as long as you're shacked up with this loser.

Does it not fill you with RAGE that you are working SO hard while he spends your money and saves his lump sum?!

Why does this not make you furious?!

He is an absolute bastard. He is a total user. His ex must be so happy.

This man is not your partner! You don't love him. He's just a random asshat lodging in your house, basically for free! Dump the twat. Dump him TODAY and then have a celebration!