To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

[paperlace]

Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

paperface unfortunately we are living in a less tolerant society, where offence taking is becoming the norm - current news is evidence of this.

But let the pregnant woman decide that, surely, OP! You may think you're being courteous and kind, but that doesn't alter the fact that many pregnant women, as evidenced on this thread, find such 'courtesy' intrusive, inane, or just plain odd when their pregnancy seems to considered a 24/7 invitation to conversation to everyone from distant colleagues to total strangers at the bus stop.

And really, it's very strange when a colleague with whom you have always had a purely professional relationship, with maybe a passing observation on the weather, suddenly feels it's appropriate to stop you in the corridor by asking whether your baby was planned (?!) or critiquing your choice of where to give birth.

i agree christmas i cant understand why people dont talk much anymore. to scared to strike up a conversation.

agree with paperlace as well. if someone asks about my pregnancy it makes me feel all bubbly and excited :) :) and its nice that someone took a few moments to show an interest.

i agree that peopple do say odd things like was he planned is it the same father. im sure there are a good few more... but then you dont need to be pregnant/new mum for people to say odd/rude things. people do it everyday without always thinking

But can't people have a little empathy and realise that questions make some people feel worried or upset. Not everyone's pregnancy is straightforward.

Chances are the pregnant women is thinking about her, maybe judging that you don't want to hear about her piles, so why can't the person asking the questions.

I think it's just lazy small talk really. I feel really conscious of one colleague who I continually asked about her pregnancy before I had DC. I did out because it was an easy topic rather than because I was interested but it must have been tiresome for her. Maybe she was ok with it but I was asking her questions to make things easier for me than because I was thinking of her feelings.

I rarely comment on a woman's pregnancy but if she's heavily pregnant and next to me in an supermarket queue I might ask when it's due or weather it's her first or if the weather's hot I might ask how she's coping in the heat. I'm a naturally friendly person and nobody, by word or action has ever told me I was being rude or intrusive. I would make similar (appropriate) remarks to anybody if the mood took me and I would happily respond if it was the other way around.

What a sad world we live in.

That's interesting, AllBoxed - but what kinds of terms were you on before she became pregnant? I mean, did you always have personal conversations?

The thing I found very odd was that longterm colleagues in different departments (I'm an academic) with whom I'd never had a word other than in faculty committee meetings, suddenly started lunging at my bump in the corridor or engaging in hushed, lengthy inquisitions about morning sickness, speculations about the sex, and how I wouldn't have a 'scrap of dignity' left after childbirth. It was as if my pregnancy bump suddenly signalled 'Let's get Personal!' Or ' We're all girls together!'

pregnancy/new parent is just the start will be like it for years to come. are they sitting up yet/ are they on solids... oh my baby is doing this and that. or back in my day.. oh your child gos to that school. i dont like that school would not let my child go there.... oh my child is top of the class...

oh your child only got a c in her exams never mind... oh your daughter is wearing white for her wedding.... it never stops

But Christmas, why does a pregnant woman need to respond in a specific way to your well-meant overtures in order for it to be a 'happy world'? From the thread, there are clearly pregnant women who are happy to discuss stretch marks and baby names with strangers - why is it a 'sad world' if others don't feel the same? Does every pregnant woman have to put aside her own preference for not discussing her state all the time, and to keep her collegial relationships on a professional footing, aside, and grin and bear it?

HaHa ghostspirit you are so right.

It wasn't that personal but just lots of questions. We were in the same team and I guess I struggled to talk to before. I also was a year away from ttc so I guess I was curious from that point of view. I think o probably just continually asked, "so, are you all ready for the baby" for 6 months!

christmaspies I think that sounds fine what you've described. There's always going to be extreme points of view but I think most people are saying don't make personal comments not don't talk about pregnancy ever. I think some people are getting offended at the idea they might be offending others

Holyterror perhaps conversation guidelines need to be drawn up?

christmaspies, see, I think those questions are ok particularly as you're asking fairly neutral and open questions, rather than making observations about a woman's size or asking what she's planning to do with her boobs after she gives birth, or whether she's planning to use her vagina to expel her child. Which as shown by many on this thread, some people see nothing wrong with and feel they deserve some sort of medal for 'showing an interest' in a pregnant person, regardless of how weird the question might be.

Jassy I suppose I'm a bit because when I was pregnant I was never subjected to the remarks that some posters are complaining about. Not from strangers or colleagues at any rate. Now my fil.....that was a different story...

Yanbu I think some people look to find offence.

People say my bump is big or small all the time. Either way I couldn't care less, and appreciate people are just trying to make conversation.

Maybe you just know really defeat people, Christmas.

The OP itself included comments and questions about breastfeeding, bump size, baby size - though I'll admit steered clear of the awful 'was it planned?'

Sorry - but what are people supposed to say. Quite often I would have preferred to say nothing but the PG person obviously expected some response. No response is considered rude too.

The only question I found annoying was "Was it planned?"

The problem isn't that people are making small talk it's just that once you're pregnant, that's all people talk about. Please, please just talk about the weather once in a while.

I've never been asked if mine was planned, I can't believe someone would actually ask that! I don't mind any of the other questions, I think it's nice that people take an interest

My boss asks every pregnant woman if it's planned and if they're happy about being pregnant!

I didn't mind comments about me being big (I was very obviously huge) but it did get irksome when people started telling me not to go into labour with them from 6 months. The argument with a random person that I really did have 3 months to go was rather surreal. Also the bad leg argument over my waddle as I hadn't hurt my leg.

Generally second time with Ds1 in tow, I didn't get many comments and I missed them a bit.

There's no need to say 'your baby is big' or 'your baby is small'. I constantly get 'Oh she's very small for nine months, are you sure you're feeding her?'. No, actually, I leave her to fend for herself and pick up the crumbs when we're done eating because I'm a shitty mum. Of course I feed her! What a stupid question.

YABU.

As for 'Was it planned?'. Try 'Is the dad still around?', 'How are you going to cope being a single mum?' and 'Are you moving back in with your parents?'. I wouldn't have minded but generally my boyfriend was there at the time, and we've moved in together two hours away from any family!