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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

199 replies

paperlace · 11/01/2015 07:58

Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

OP posts:
diddlediddledumpling · 11/01/2015 09:36

YANBU and i agree completely with your reaction to those threads. i read them and thought, Jeez, overthinking or what?

then i remembered what pregnancy and baby-having does to your brain and decided to be gentle. unless theyre still raging about it 6 years later, in which case they are loons.

seaoflove · 11/01/2015 09:36

Apart from gender speculations, those questions are nosy at best and intrusive at worst.

"How are you? When are you due?" is a polite question. Commenting on the size of the bump is unnecessary, and asking whether she'll breastfeed is none of your business.

BlinkAndMiss · 11/01/2015 09:37

YABU - I hate being asked questions. Pregnancy isn't something that most women can hide and keep private because the bump is there for all to see. It's still private and personal though.

Questions about due dates are ok, but the rest of it is just intrusive. I'm sick of being asked whether I want a boy or a girl - how the hell am I supposed to answer that one? Say boy, then find out it's a girl, people will always think I actually wanted a boy which then makes me uneasy around them. Feeding questions are just rude as are questions about baby weight. I went to a funeral about 3 weeks after I had DS and 2 older relatives asked me how much more baby weight I had to lose. They also told me that if I'd stuck at breast feeding then it would have come off faster so that was a 'shame'.

The only acceptable question is 'how are you feeling?', the rest are just nosey. It's none of your business!

LittleBearPad · 11/01/2015 09:37

To be honest OP I wouldn't open with anything in a work context that was pregnancy specific.

If you'd ask Bob from accounts 'how are you?' then do that. It's an open question and allows the other person to answer as they wish.

If they then want to rattle on about their pregnancy whilst rubbing their big/small/whatever bump they can (I never did - I was at work so wanted conversations to remain professional not personal.)

BlinkAndMiss · 11/01/2015 09:38

And I don't need reminding that these people are being polite; they're not being polite, polite would be to ask how someone is and then leave it at that.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 11/01/2015 09:38

Couldnt agree more op....its just small talk and unless you know person to have a malicious agenda just think they want to be nice and say something and do not have the list of things that will offend you....

If small talk leaves you in tears, you need to look to yourself not the person on other side.

MagratsHair · 11/01/2015 09:41

Ha when I was pregnant I remember my last day before I went on maternity leave & I saw a colleague in the staff restaurant who eyed me sideways & said 'That'll hurt coming out' with a nod :)

It didn't bother me at all, neither did bump touching or any comment as people sometimes don't know what to say but wish to be polite & fall back onto cliches. They are not at all interested in my pregnancy as it doesn't affect them & they will not be interested in my new baby for the same reason.

Pregnant women can be a bit 'I am a sacred vessel' sometimes imo

LittleBearPad · 11/01/2015 09:42

Being polite would actually be not making small talk but giving a shit and having a proper conversation.

bexster5 · 11/01/2015 09:42

You are right in that people are only trying to be friendly or polite (hopefully!) But I found those questions and comments extremely aggravating. People can be rude even though they mean to be polite. Think lazy prejudices... Perhaps people should think of some other stuff to say, as one poster has put, "you look well" or non-loaded questions such as "are you having a boy or a girl?"

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2015 09:43

That said, I don't think I was ever offended by any idiotic comments in pregnancy. I do remember a number of people dropping in my estimation after they asked about my sex life and contraceptive choices (was it planned?) and what I was planning to do with my boobs. But yeah, I mosy just thought they were slightly ignorant buffoons.

Bonsoir · 11/01/2015 09:43

They aren't being polite. They are being thoughtless.

Skatingfastonthinice · 11/01/2015 09:44

I disagree,. small talk is what polite conversation is all about. Nothing that shows you are actually engaged and interested, just light, fluffy, forgettable chit-chat.

Skatingfastonthinice · 11/01/2015 09:45

Or you could just smile and ignore the pregnancy completely, in the way that you would a poisonous wart on the end of their nose.

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2015 09:46

Yep, but if the small talk makes the other person feel a bit rubbish, then it's not terribly polite.

When pregnant, I was surprisingly capable of making small talk about things not related to pregnancy.

Skatingfastonthinice · 11/01/2015 09:49

Smile and ignore then? Ok. I can do that.
Does it also extend to ignoring their contributions if they talk about their pregnancy and I'm not interested at all? I'll just continue chatting about the late trains or the weather?

MissBattleaxe · 11/01/2015 09:51

YANBU OP. I have also noticed many threads on Mumsnet over the years where old ladies making small talk about pregnancy are heavily slated for what is in fact, possibly ill-informed goodwill questions. There are so many situations in life worth getting angry about that someone making polite conversation and inadvertently getting it it a big wrong is really not one of them

A particular bug bear of mine is something I've seen a few times where someone asks the pregnant woman if they are having a boy or a girl and the pregnant woman angrily replies ( or fantasises about replying) "No, I'm having a BABY").

Several times I've thought that was rude.

Yes, there are polite questions and overly personal questions but a lot of the people are just getting it wrong but meaning well.

I have two children and have been pregnant five times and I have never thought pregnancy was an excuse to be rude to well wishers, especially if they're well meaning and just getting it a bit wrong.

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2015 09:52

Skating, entirely up to you. I find it surprisingly easy to say positive things in response to people talking about their pregnancies.

Are you really that uncomfortable around pregnant people? How odd.

Skatingfastonthinice · 11/01/2015 09:53

'Are you really that uncomfortable around pregnant people? How odd.'

Have you read the thread?

my2centsis · 11/01/2015 09:53

Couldn't agree more! GrinWine

AuntieStella · 11/01/2015 09:54

Whether the chit chat achieves the aim of being polite depends on the skill of the speaker.

I think the OP was wrong to use the word "polite" in the title.

But she is definitely NBU to point out that the comments are just chat, to which no importance should be attached.

For they don't stop at parturition or the end of infancy. But perhaps by then, when this having DC stuff isn't brand new and a source of insecurity, it's easier to get things back in proportion.

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2015 10:00

Have you read the thread?

Yep. I was making a comment on your statement about ignoring the issue if others have raised it, which I thought rather silly. Maybe intentionally so for effect? Sorry if my response didn't come across clearly.

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2015 10:04

But she is definitely NBU to point out that the comments are just chat, to which no importance should be attached.

I'd agree to this - unfortunately they aren't always received as such, which makes them impolite.

I may be a bit sensitive as late last year I had a pregnant staff member in floods because of the well meaning but thoughtless chit chat of others.

I find it rather sad that in general, people don't think about how even small talk makes the other person feel; it feels like the hallmark of an increasingly individualistic culture.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 11/01/2015 10:05

Do people find small talk that hard they have to focus on it? What did they speak to me about before? There is more to me
Than a baby carrier, they don't have to talk about pregnancy!

I have found mothers have been far nicer and friendlier to me- maybe they think we have more in common now or maybe just love talking about babies but feel
They can't to non mothers? Anyway that's quite nice as you can pump them for information. But I don't want random people asking about feeding options to "make
Conversation", no

Bunbaker · 11/01/2015 10:11

No-one ever touched my bump when I was pregnant nearly 15 years ago. Is this a recent thing or do I have friends with better manners?

I also wasn't offended by other people's remarks. I didn't feel that any of them were particularly personal or rude.

I do think that some people just seem to be professionally offended all the time and need to lighten up, although I agree that comments about feeding are just plain nosy.

I had a small bump, but I am tall and had good stomach muscles. I used to get called Posh Spice because you couldn't tell from the back that I was pregnant and had a neat bump. But I wasn't offended.

In the end I was small for dates and had to have many scans, but other people's comments still didn't upset me. I didn't have the benefit of the internet at the time so I couldn't wind myself up with worry by looking stuff up all the time.

I never make personal comments about work colleagues pregnancies BTW. I just ask how well they are keeping.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 11/01/2015 10:11

YANBU - people get upset at the slightest question. But remember hormones are rife so it can't always be helped! I remember when DD was born and family came to see her my SILposted a status on facebook saying "welcome to the family BabyIsChippy!". This made me cry Blush because she is related by marriage (but had split from DB by then) and I thought "how dare you welcome her into the family, she is family and you are not, it's not your family to welcome her in to". I cringe now looking back at what a tool I was to get upset over this thank god I didn't post it on MN