To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

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Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

YABU, all those questions are rude!

I totally agree. I always try to be thoughtful, to the extent that I mentally tie myself in knots sometimes with the effort of not saying the wrong thing. But I accept not everyone is like me, which is a good thing I reckon! Sometimes people will say something crass but 9 times out of 10 there's no malice behind it, and I think it's better for the soul just to let these things slide rather than stew over them.

The only times I've taken offence at innocuous remarks is when one acquaintance took the trouble to tell me, in my first pregnancy, how much bigger I was "not just on your bump, but everywhere" (I had put on about four stone through a serious chocolate habit). And for the first few weeks of my youngest daughter's life, people were always telling me how tiny she was. I know they didn't mean anything by it, but I was really worried about her weight gain anyway.

"unfortunately they aren't always received as such, which makes them impolite."

That's what I was aiming at saying, and clearly not quite managing.

The intention isn't rudeness, though the effect might be; for whether something,s rude and how rude is highly subjective for many of these comments - just like another poster said, I've had "you're looking well" taken as an insult.

And I do think that intrusive comments happen life-long, but there are times when we might be quicker to read criticism into it. So just as you come to realise the sorts of comments that worried the heck out of you in your first week at work, leading you to think you're incompetent, they regret hiring you etc etc, were no such thing; so do comments on pregnancy once you have a baby, comments on babies once you have a toddler, comments on toddlers once you have a school child etc etc etc

Though rootypig's list should, of course, always been borne in mind, and it's nice to see old-fashioned etiquette advice being so well received on this thread.

I find it rather sad that in general, people don't think about how even small talk makes the other person feel; it feels like the hallmark of an increasingly individualistic culture.

I find this remark ironic, because what I am interpreting lately is that smalltalk is on the brink of dying out because everyone gets so offended by anything that its working out to be easier not to talk to strangers about anything! especially pregnancy.

There are so many rules being attached to smalltalk these days ( and nowhere more so than AIBU on Mumsnet) that I'd be surprised if the trend didn't lead to smalltalk itself being rude.

I actually find smalltalk quite difficult these days because in my head I am thinking "can I say that?"

Smalltalk oils the wheels of society. You might be the only human contact the friendly but tactless old lady has had all day.

If someone means well but is accidentally a bit rude, cut them some slack because you have probably accidentally offended someone once too.

Don't let's turn into a silent cold shouldered society because we all got too precious about what could and couldn't be said. If we invent too many rules, smalltalk gets too hard and we won't bother and then there will be threads about how unfriendly people are these days.

And people will only talk to each other on digital devices. And nobody will interact. And it will be sad.

There. I've finished now.

I can see why the "are you having a boy or a girl?" might be a little strange if you hadn't found out, that would have put me on the back foot a little as I was quite against finding out at the scans and that question pre-supposes that everyone finds out. Maybe "do you know what sex the baby is?".

YNBU however as long as You keep your hands to yourself I don't give a damn. Same as, as long as you don't start moving my pram hood down or leaning into my carrycot I don't care. I cover my babies up so they're no disturbed Once whilst out shopping j have someone push my carrycot hood down, take his blanket down and rub my ds1 saying he's cute don't. Touch. my. babies. Especially when they're sleeping I don't ransack your shopping trolley or your bag so don't do it to me

If you're not that interested, why ask? Just because a woman is pregnant, she doesn't cease to be a person with other things in her life. 'Congratulations! when are you due? , do you know what you are having?' end of baby conversation, move onto work, hobbies etc that you would talk to anyone about! No need to string out a conversation into unwanted comments on peoples shape or parenting choices!

I know what you mean. Many of us are very sensitive when we have babies and that can lead to our misinterpreting a question or comment that is well meant.

Otoh there does seem to be a surprising amount of judgement from others at this time and that is upsetting. From the "you look way too small to be 38 weeks" to the "could you just not be bothered to bf?" to "why do you think your baby is so small?" That last one was from a Dr by the way. It's not the end of the world it's just upsetting at a time when judgement is the last thing you need. I try to stick to open questions when talking to someone with a baby like "how are you feeling?"!!!

Excellent post MissBattleaxe

Bump touching, omg you are so massive (actually I'm not) this will be dc no? Really? Was it planned?you look knackered, your getting older though, many other comments that basically mean you look like shit! It does get very annoying especially on a weekly basis there is only so many times that you can answer politely! Yes I'm pregnant but it's not my only topic of conversation & I would rather not have false interest from random people who then insult you!

OP - YANBU

I agree that people are just making conversation but I also agree that these are intrusive comments.
I also agree that there are many social situations where people just say the first thing that comes into their heads.

Thing is, if nobody ever picks up on it, then it'll continue to be perceived as being acceptable, even when it isn't. LittleBlue has it summed up really well.

If I think a friend/relative is pregnant, I may say to them "you're looking well" but until they've made an official announcement, then it's not my place to ask further questions. I don't necessarily know the circumstances leading to the pregnancy, or whether the mother to be is happy/sad/conflicted. Therefore I let them lead the conversation.

As for uninvited bump touching - that's a no-no. I must have a 'touch me an die' face as when DD was a burgeoning bump nobody tried to lay hands on me. :)

"I can see why the "are you having a boy or a girl?" might be a little strange if you hadn't found out, that would have put me on the back foot a little as I was quite against finding out at the scans and that question pre-supposes that everyone finds out. Maybe "do you know what sex the baby is?"."

See, I didn't find out the sex of my first child before birth but I can't imagine being offended by that question in the slightest! I would just say "I don't know". Then usually people would say something about how nice it is to have the surprise, or whatever.

I also disagree with another poster that politeness is all in the effect, not the intent. Politeness is all intent. It's perfectly possible to be polite and try to say the right thing and inadvertently say the wrong one.

This thread is actually increasing my belief that some people guard their right to be offended far too zealously.

If you say "How are you feeling?" The person might reply. "It's a pregnancy not an illness! "

then they have the kid and are offended all over again when people might want to touch it

Maybe I am just an unfriendly Londoner but I think it's no-one else's fucking business to comment on my bump / baby.

In just the past few weeks I've been asked if I am having twins (no), if I am carrying a lot of water (no) am measuring a little small actually 36cm at 38w, how am I going to cope with a lively toddler and newborn (urm millions of people do), how are my finances (WTF)

People just seem to lose all social boundaries when it comes to pregnant women?

What may seem like a harmless comment your bump is big / small {or} your baby is big / small could actually be very offensive.

A simple "you look well", or "lovely baby" is sufficient if you feel you HAVE to make a comment.

I think it's probably just safer to ignore the pregnancy totally and ignore any pram with a newborn in.

Jobs a good un. People can't whinge then. Oh wait..........

Some people forget their manners though. I'm pretty reasonable (despite having slept poorly for months) but being told "are you sure you're allowed to eat that" for the thousandth time can feel a bit patronising.
My in laws asked me when was it conceived because we think we've worked it out. Needless to say they hadn't. That pissed me off and I said something like "im
certainly not discussing that!"

I think a lot of posters are overreacting and being a little unfair.

I'm pregnant right now, and will happily make small talk about the pregnancy. But if you make a comment like "You look ready to DROP!" when I'm only 32 weeks, I'll reserve the right to feel like shit. That happened to me when I was expecting my daughter four years ago and I've never forgotten it.

Fact is, I wasn't measuring large, I just carry babies way out in front. I was struggling to come to terms with the horrific stretch marks I was getting, and was frankly worried about another eight weeks of growth. And I wasn't even spoken to kindly or with a smile, and this wasn't someone I knew, it was an assistant in Boots.

But I guess I'm not allowed to find such a comment out of line or hurtful, because I was just being professionally offended

Some people may just be making small talk but this isn't always the case. I had loads of people (including strangers) ask whether I was going to breastfeed and every one of them followed up the queation with their (entirely unsolicited) opinion on my feeding choice. That's not being polite, it's not small talk, it's rude and intrusive. Most people acknowkedge that feeding is a very personal decision so why is it acceptable to put someone on the spot like that?

The "oh my god, you're MASSIVE" and "are you sure it's not twins? Hahaha!" comments didn't really offend me, I just found it a bit tedious and unnecessary. If it really isn't intended to be rude and it's just "making conversation" then I don't really understand why we have to discuss my bump at all. Can't people think of normal things to talk to pregnant women about? Presumably they would have done so before the pregnancy.

Regarding the questions you listed OP yanbu if they are taken in a one off conversation. They become a tad annoying when you hear them from the same people everyday, I had the same person tell me I will as tiny one day and huge the next, but still, not a huge deal.

Where it does become annoying is where you are repeatedly told you shouldn't be eating something, or, as one delightful person told me when I got a chocolate bar from the machine at work, that I'd find it hard to lose the weight afterwards so shouldn't eat chocolate. I also had lots of people ask if I was going to find out the sex and when I said yes would tell me I shouldn't.

I think what happens is that everything gets lumped into one and people just get fed up with all the questions.

Exactly Mrs Wolowitz. This is what I was trying to say earlier about people actually not being very interested in your pregnancy but trying to be polite. But some people can't see past themselves I guess.

These comments are rarely if ever meant to be offensive, so why can't people just put irritating comments down as harmless and not take it personally?

Taking it personally is what makes it precious. People don't really know or care if you are big or small, it's just what people always say when faced with a pregnancy bump!

"A simple "you look well",..."

I swear, I have honestly been told off for saying this to another woman because she interpreted it to mean that I thought she'd put on weight.

Ha FindoGask see there really is such a thing as 'professionally offended', it's not just a Mumsnet thing!