To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

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Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

I've had 2 kids and the only person who patted my pregnant belly was MIL. Now I'm wondering why - whether I seem standoffish or scary.

The "you're MASSIVE" comments used to piss me off because I would get the comment shouted to me across the office nearly every day, followed by people laughing. I was convinced I was going to have a big baby and took larger baby grows to the hospital. (even though my measurements were correct) I was also asked if I was having twins, and if I was sure I only had x weeks to go etc...when DD was born I got lots of "she's tiny" comments, that didn't bother me too much...

Yes skating - it's 19 years since I was pregnant and I don't think we were so prone to take offence.
The nicest comment I received was from a woman at the bus stop, complete stranger, who beamed at my bump and said "what fun you're going to have!"

The comment that DID annoy me, after the birth was "Is she good?" I know they meant "is she easy" but my baby was pure and innocent - how could she be anything but good? If she cried in the night that was not "naughty"!

And the tiny comments weren't always polite conversation as they weren't always made to my face. She was pretty much always in the 50th centile, so not that tiny really...

YANBU. I do think it's quite precious. I moved back to the UK at 6 months pregnant, and really noticed how uncertain people were about mentioning it. I was literally the elephant in the room. The avoidance annoyed me more than the annoying comments, especially when someone said 'so, you're... are you... um -- so, any plans, in the next few months?'.

You can't say anything universally benign to a pregnant woman. Half the so-called safe suggestions on this thread would make me rage. You look well? I DON'T LOOK WELL. You are a patronising liar.

Personally, I'd prefer it if small-talk was illegal and we all stood around like Mr Darcy, quietly judging each other, but inane conversation is here to stay. I don't see why we need to make it worse by overthinking every single fucking comment.

YANBU.

So someone says your bump is big/small. That would send someone into panic overdrive? Really? People have said that to me in all my pregnancies. I've had confirmation from my midwife that all was well and if I was worried I could call her, no? Also I'm aware that strangers say all kinds of shite so I just wouldn't take it to heart.

I think according to MN nobody should leave the house EVER and nobody should ever speak to anyone just in case it offends.

YANBU. I have three DCs and hearin other women moan about people asking them about their pregnancy/baby is fucking annoying.

If no one asked anything there'd be threads about all the insensitive bastards who don't want to talk about baby/bump!

I was pregnant with my first when I was a teacher in a community school with an entirely Pakistani/Bengali intake and most of the mothers spoke very little English. It was also a community school, and we home-visited every month or so.
The patting, the advice, the joy and delight in my pregnancy broke down all sorts of barriers and made it so much easier to waddle in and communicate at a universal level.

YANBU

I don't care about other peoples pregnancies. I rarely give a shit about their babies. I generally am completely apathetic about their toddlers.
I usually stand there realising that I ought to say something because I don't want to be impolite and ignore this important part of their life.
I think I usually say the right thing but from some of the comments I hear being moaned about on MN I'm not sure.

The flip side is that in not really caring about their pregnancy I'm usually pretty ambivalent if they misinterpret my attempt at being polite as some insult to the fullness of their bump.

Things you can reasonably say to a pregnant woman (some of many):
you look well/marvellous/splendid
how are you feeling?
how is your pregnancy going?

If you don't know her well enough to say these things^^, then you need not say anything.

Yes, people say oh you're the size of a whale! or are you going to breastfeed? without a second thought but that doesn't mean it isn't rude.

Oh, and when I had my PFB, I understood that all the 'Ohh FAT baby' 'FAT face' comments were a compliment, and that the local prem baby unit was stuffed with babies from their community that really weren't fat or healthy or potentially even going to survive.
It's horrible when every conversation is an unpredictable minefield.

Before I ever had kids, I knew you asked:
How are you feeling?
When are you due? (Ooh lovely, a Summer/Winter/Spring/Autumn baby)
Will you find out if you're having a girl or a boy, or do you prefer a surprise?
Have you much left to organise (if conversation is going on)
And at work, sometimes, when will you take maternity.

Baby born:
How are you feeling?
What a gorgeous baby! What a lovely name!
Compliment their clothes or some such
Are you getting much rest?

Asking if a baby is planned is RUDE, it's not polite simply because someone can't think of something else to say. To be honest, I really wasn't pushed what anyone said to me and didn't even care about bump touching, but I don't think the questions in your OP are actually that polite. I do agree perhaps the people asking them really don't care much about the conversation and aren't that interested in the topic, but that is not particularly polite, is it?

Hurrah! Well done, a list of safe queries.

YANBU! Is there such a thing as pregzilla?!
Some people need to get a grip! I'll just not bother mentioning anything at all to the next pregnant person I speak to. And yes I. Have been pregnant and people actually showing an interest in my pregnancy didnt bother me.

That is a truly excellent list, duplo. Brava!

YANBU. I have 2 quite close together, and when I meet new people, it's amazing hoe many say "oh wow, was that PLANNED?" It's SUCH a personal question, but it always makes me laugh, because I think it's one of those things that just falls out of your mouth before you realise what you're saying. I don't actually mind answering either, but I've always liked a random conversation with a stranger.

YANBU. Only on MN are women offended by these comments I find.

It's been many years since I had my babies and I ask these sorts of questions because I'm really interested in how things have changed. Breastfeeding for example, I got no support whatsoever and I love it when a new mum tells me it's going well.

Perhaps this is because I found pregnancy and the baby stage all consuming and I couldn't speak about anything else

Rootypig

Sorry, you can't say 'you look well'
Apparently that is snide code for 'you look fat'

Excellent list . I shall get it laminated

The worst thing anyone ever said to me in 4 pregnancies was when I returned to work after a threatened miscarriage. A woman said, "Its usually best to let nature take its course. Probably something wrong with the baby if you are bleeding." After that anything else was a plus.

Maddening - I may not have been clear. The OP is talking about starting a conversation, not responding to a topic. If a colleague asked if I was thinking of going on a diet or breastfeeding my child... I'd think none of your business. The OP now mentions she's s manager struggling to make small talk with pregnant employees. In that scenario, anything more than how are you feeling is completely unprofessional.

On the whole I'd rather someone made a comment and got it slightly wrong than didn't make the effort to chat at all though. At least they are engaging with you. Then again I'm also happy when cashiers chat to me in supermarkets and from other threads it seems as though I'm in a minority in that one.

Great list from Duplo...

I was depressed in 3 of my pregnancies, and found this kind of small talk really difficult. Clearly some people don't mind it, but lots of people do, so you do need to be considerate when approaching someone.

But Eve you say people went on and on - it's actually a few people making the same remark. It's just an obvservation.

So if I walked up to someone and said 'Christ, your nose is enormous!' it wouldn't be rude?

People just aren't that interested and just say the first thing that comes in to their heads!

I think you've just defined exactly why it comes across as rude rather than, er, thoughtful.

Also with the small bump comments - it's often meant as a compliment that you have not put loads of weight on.

Well, that's just fucking stupid and ignorant.