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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

199 replies

paperlace · 11/01/2015 07:58

Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 11/01/2015 11:38

People don't really know or care if you are big or small, it's just what people always say when faced with a pregnancy bump!

It's still a comment about someone else's body though and most of us know that people don't really enjoy having their body commented on and it's politer to keep your thoughts about it to yourself. I don't know why this ceases to be the case because you're pregnant.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 11/01/2015 11:40

Yanbu

I never minded people making daft comments. On a twins forum I was on, they had an ever-expanding list of Annoying Things people say. I always (well, NEARLY always) found it sweet

However blokes shouting 'oi SLAG are you pregnant or just FAT' and the one who flobbed on me on the tube served to put daft but well meaning comments in perspective iykwim

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/01/2015 11:41

I wouldn't have been offended by being asked if it was a boy or a girl, it would just strike me as a weird thing to ask but that might be because most people didn't find out in the days when I was pregnant and for those that did it still tended to be regarded as a private matter. So it's not something that I would ever ask anyone else. I'd rather be asked that than not talked to at all though.

I just think that what comes through overwhelmingly to me from this thread is that a lot of people aren't getting enough practice at social chit chat and we should all be doing more of it, trying not to take offence if anyone gets it a little wrong and noting the reactions of others so we get it better next time. The world would be a much sadder place without it.

AllBoxedUp · 11/01/2015 11:43

YABU - there are loads of things you can say that don't directly reference someone's body and size. If you wouldn't normally comment on someone's body shape, why do it just because they are pregnant. I think those comments are the rudest. Comments on baby size are insensitive too.

Bunbaker · 11/01/2015 11:44

Far too many mumsnetters take offence far too easily. I don't believe that in RL most people meet as many rude people as so many mumsnetters do. I don't get rude remarks made to me all the time. Either I am thick skinned or don't take offence as easily.

Examples

Bonny - to me this means pretty. To many on MN it means fat
You look well - to me this means you look well. To many on MN it means you look fat
You look nice today - to me it means you look nice today. To many on MN it means that you look awful on other days

Lighten up people

christmaspies · 11/01/2015 11:45

op no I don't thibk you are bu. I think the world is becoming more and more unfriendly and people are taking offence where none is meant.

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 11/01/2015 11:48

YANBU - I have been pregnant twice but now I do find myself asking (or wanting to ask) the same questions I found quite annoying! It really is just polite conversation.

Though I do draw the line at the old 'was it planned' as even now I just find that really rude! And I try not to comment on size of bumps as when I was about 22 weeks a colleague said to me 'oh my god you are HUGE, my friend is due next week and you are bigger than her!'. I mean, what are you supposed to say to that? Hmm

BathshebaDarkstone · 11/01/2015 11:49

I hated "he's hungry" when DS1 was crying. Also "has he got a cold?" - he's got cystic fibrosis. Also in a baby changing room, "I see you've had him circumcised". No I hadn't! It made me very worried about the look of his penis. Shock

Bunbaker · 11/01/2015 11:49

Or do I have the sort of face that prevents people from making anything other than friendly comments to me?

(I am no oil painting)

Bittersweetmammaries · 11/01/2015 11:55

As a 5'1" 41 week pregnant woman with a huge bump, it is annoying when people rub it at times. I just try to laugh it off though. It all depends how it's done. I didn't mind the lads at work making a joke out of it and measuring it against their beer bellies, but the colleague on the Christmas do that kept coming and pressing my belly button in and running off giggling I could have slapped.

The worst thing I have had said was by another work colleague that I shouldn't be having a child if I wasn't going to raise it myself and I was being selfish expecting my parents to look after it while I worked. Even though my parents have been looking forward to doing this for as long as I can remember. He just wouldn't accept this and I went home crying later that day. The worst thing was that he started this in front of 2 other women and they just let him carry on. He's tried it again this pregnancy but I was expecting it this time and told him to fuck off. Since then he's turned in to one of the belly feelers and been lovely!

AllBoxedUp · 11/01/2015 11:56

I actually think the baby comments are worse though. I had a colleague tell me I just looked fat when I was pregnant and I laughed it off but the constant stream of people telling me how tiny DD was when I was worried about her weight wad upsetting. I know people who have been similarly worried about the small bump comments too.

Why not ask about baby stuff instead - there's enough of it to talk about. Have you got a buggy etc. If you're not really interested anyway.

JennyBlueWren · 11/01/2015 12:00

Is it polite for people to touch my bump though? I don't like bump touching!

I don't mind questions but when a colleague asks me every day if I've been sick or had any cravings yet it gets a bit repetitive. Especially as they don't discuss anything non-bump related with me!

duplodon · 11/01/2015 12:00

I reckon people make the mistake of assuming people generally feel as strongly about things as they seem to on AIBU. Yet AIBU is visited and commented on most frequently when people are already feeling pissy. It's Grumpy Old Women. I bet many of those who are on here stating their offence are probably not generally that bothered, it's all a bit skewed.

FindoGask · 11/01/2015 12:01

"but the colleague on the Christmas do that kept coming and pressing my belly button in and running off giggling I could have slapped."

Well, that person was clearly an arsehole. I don't think their actions are covered in the remit of this thread. I don't think anyone would have blamed you if you had slapped him/her.

ghostspirit · 11/01/2015 12:01

i think its a shame that people have to walk on egg shells. when trying to strike up a conversation. i would hate for someone to have to relay in their head what they can say to me before actually saying it. i like people to think they can say what they want without worrying.

ineedtogetthisout · 11/01/2015 12:02

Its not precious to be upset at all the questions. For me personally they are very difficult.

"Is this your first baby" - No it isnt , two of my children died, so I either have to explain that to you or deny their exsistance.

"Your bump is huge" - Yes thank you, that was one of the things medical professionals were concerned about when I was pregnant with my son which led to me being induced early and him being operated on at two days old and dying a few weeks later.

"Your bump is tiny" - Yes, I was also tiny whilst pregnant with my daughter, this was due to complications and she died at two weeks old.

"Do you want a boy or girl" - actually its the very least of my concerns.

I wish people would think before asking such things, it makes life very hard.

BumWad · 11/01/2015 12:04

YABVU

Questions like that piss me off.

Fuck off with assessing my bump. It's none of your business. And don't you dare think you can pat it.

And it's none of your business what I'm having or my feeding methods. Just fook off.

iLikeDirt · 11/01/2015 12:06

I agree and didn't mind most questions except one person in particular who repeatedly exclaimed how small my bump was, every single time she saw me. At the time I was measuring small and being sent for extra scans so was worried and she did not need to say the same thing every time she saw me.

I also don't like people asking me how long I plan to breastfeed because, in my experience so far, the only people who've asked me this have a negative attitude to breastfeeding. Of those, one seems fine with it now, one is better, the third thinks I need to get that baby on a bottle asap.

AllBoxedUp · 11/01/2015 12:06

I think you can find something rude and be irritated by it but not take offence as you realise the person is just being thoughtless. I don't think anyone is flouncing of at every comment.

I did talk to my colleagues though about how I think being pregnant doesn't mean it's a free for all to comment on a woman's body shape and size.

I actually think it's ok to make a comment along the lines of your bigger than last time I saw you as it's not a judgement or a comparison to anyone else.

ghostspirit · 11/01/2015 12:08

oh i have just thought of a question that would offend me... do they have the same father :/

AllBoxedUp · 11/01/2015 12:09

ghostspirit would you mind if someone told you that they thought you were enormous when you weren't pregnant?

pictish · 11/01/2015 12:09

Yanbu overall. I got all that and it went over my head...I wasn't offended or annoyed by it, as people were, as you say, only trying to politely express an interest. They're not actually invested in your reply.
It's just something to say.
I think a smidge of getting over oneself is sometimes appropriate.

AllBoxedUp · 11/01/2015 12:10

It's basic manners to have some restraint in saying what you think!

jemima1988 · 11/01/2015 12:12

YABU when asking how you are going to feed your child, regardless of the answer you get judged.

I choose to bf my baby when I told people this who asked people pulled their face and made rude comments that made me feel uncomfortable

on the other hand people who choose bottle feed get comments like aren't you going to try breastfeeding? don't you know it's better for them?

either way no matter what response you give you can get comments that make you feel uncomfortable

KarmaViolet · 11/01/2015 12:13

YABU. There's a lot women are expected to put up with under the guise of "just being polite" / "it was meant as a compliment!" / "can't you take a joke?"

It is perfectly possible to be polite and make small talk without being intrusive. How about

You're looking well
That top really suits you
How are you feeling?

And once the baby arrives

What a lovely baby
Can I make you a cup of tea
I hope you're managing some rest
How are you feeling?

Or try for the same small talk you would with a non pregnant woman. Women don't stop being people just because they're pregnant. Weather, news, television, whatever. DD is 8 weeks now and although I like the "what a lovely baby" comments sometimes I just want an adult conversation where I don't discuss nappies, feeding or sleeping.

Some of the highlights of preggy questions included "Are you planning a vaginal birth" (from a virtual stranger) and LOTS of people complimenting me on "managing" to lose weight for the first 5 months. I had hyperemesis and I was terrified it was harming the baby as at one stage I couldn't even keep water down and ended up in hospital. But I was meant to be pleased that I could fit into my jeans Hmm

I wasn't rude back to people though.