To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

[paperlace]

Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

I really dislike it when people comment on how big my bump is. I don't find it polite conversation and I've never attempted it with a pregnant woman myself. Contrary to popular opinion, this is still my body and remarks about it are still personal remarks.

But Skating 'safe queries' is so precious!

Maybe the safest thing is to ignore that the woman is pregnant at all then if they are so bothered by polite pretend interest - then they would REALLY be offended!

None of my questions in my OP included anything instrusive like whether baby was an accident or any health related/relationship related questions they are all pretty bog standard questions and observations.

I don't think questions about feeding are loaded as per a pp. We create too much angst about it ourselves - we think people judge and perhaps some people do but the majority don't give a shit and are just being polite/interested/showing solidarity.

And saying "people aren't really that interested" what are you on about? If people aren't interested and don't care, why are they asking? YAWN

I'd make conversation with someone that I didn't know well, but tbh, it wouldn't go any further than telling them they looked well etc.
I wouldn't ask any of the questions mentioned in the OP.

If it was a friend, we would be talking about everything and anything, as usual.

I know it's just being polite. But if people are seeing you as a whole person rather than a womb on legs, wouldn't they sometimes make polite conversation on other topics? Pregnant women are capable of having opinions on stuff that's been on tv, current events and all sorts of things that you speak to non-pregnant people about. If someone's small talk becomes solely focused on her baby as soon as her pregnancy is known it does betray that they don't really respect her as a whole person. Not irritating when it comes to one-off convo with hairdressers etc where it's not necessarily an ongoing relationship, but very irritating in colleagues who you see every day and who seem to categorise their co-workers as "people, who I can chat with on all sorts of subjects" or "baby-production mechanism. Must only talk about babies"

Maybe the safest thing is to ignore that the woman is pregnant at all then if they are so bothered by polite pretend interest - then they would REALLY be offended!

Not at all. I find it perfectly alright when people engage with me as they do when I'm not pregnant rather than as a walking incubator.

Unless you have been present when certain things are said to certain women, you have no right to judge or police their emotions regarding the situation or judge them for their reaction.

Yanbu

After reading many recent MN threads I am now scared to even look at a pregnant woman, let alone actually speak to her. I would be sure to say the wrong thing; because anything said seems to be rude in one way or another.

Yes! What ThinkIveBeenHacked said!
When I was pregnant, I considered getting a card printed out with the answers to the repetitive questions. Please talk to pregnant people about other things. They do still have brains.

Because they are being POLITE Royal.

It is POLITE to assume that a pregnant person is going through the single biggest event of their life and that it means an awful lot to them and therefore it would be rude not to make a passing comment and ask how they were, have a brief conversation.

Those comments may not be in line with what precious people think are acceptable but it's just trying to show you care or are interested.

Is that really so hard to understand?

So people aren't interested? So shy feel the need to comment?

The size of bump comments are rude and in the case of an iugr baby for example likely very upsetting.

The feeding questions/comments are none of their business, can appear judgemental and where a woman has not been able to bf/chosen not to likely to make her feel like shit.

If you have to speak to a stranger (something that you likely wouldn't do if she wasn't pregnant) why not just ask how she is? Or just don't ask. Especially as you freely admit you don't care about the answer.

'But Skating 'safe queries' is so precious! '

Are you saying that MNetters aren't?
The last time I was pregnant was 20 years ago, and parenting seems to have become a far more delicate and worrying area for so many people that I read online. I am constantly relieved that I didn't have the internet back then, or Dr Google.

Yes Glibert, of course we know that - you have the initial brief conversation about the pregancy then on to normal convo.

I have several pregnant women working for me at any one time as am manager in huge company and believe me I don't want more than a 10 second chat about their pregancy, I want to have a conversation about what's in the news, TV shows, and moreover get on with work!

In my experience it's the pregnant woman who turns the conversation back to babies all the time, rather than the other way round.

So approaching a stranger to talk about their health is polite now? Not please/Thankyou holding a door ect?

Really? Would you ask someone with an oxygen tank how their breathing was that day? If their illness was terminal? Just to be polite? I know that's an odd comparison but it is also sometimes good manners to mind your own business.

'I just see the hands come out and know they are about to dive for my bump. I would never walk up to them and start squeezing their stomach '

I used to pat people back, as if was the usual greeting in their culture.

OP did you really start this thread to complain about pregnant women being prescious. On the back of some threads you've read about pregnant women being upset!?

You didn't think that generally there's a huge backstory/it's not black and white/your comments could all be either perfectly innocuous or horrendously rude depending on tone of voice/precious relationship with the person saying it.

Nice

Yanbu paperlace. It's often just bog standard phrases that people trot out as part of polite conversation with nothing deeper than not wanting to offend by not acknowledging a pregnancy.

People of course are free to take offence and reply how they wish but it's not meant as anything more than a passing remark most of the time.

I don't recall anyone ever touching either
of my bumps, or being bothered by that sort of comment, so my first reaction is to agree that people are just showing interest, but on the other hand I can see how they could create worry and concern and I wouldn't say those things myself, there are better ways of doing it.

I wish people did that, paperlace.
But honestly, in my case they really didn't! They'd only speak about pregnancy related things, drove me nuts. I wouldn't have minded if they'd done as you say, initial chit chat then on to interesting subjects.

YANBU only questions to avoid asking are

How are you going to feed the baby? (unless close friends)

Was the baby planned?

Bump touching by strangers is odd but I never had it happen during two pregnancies and don't know anyone else who has, must be one of those things that only happens on MN

YABU. Your point is that it's small talk. Sure. But why is small talk about women's bodies acceptable, when in any other context it would be deeply personal? why are intrusive questions about the way you're rearing your child acceptable?

Because conception, birth and child rearing are the virtuous, moral aspect of the public ownership of women's sexuality.

I know where you're coming from OP.
Problem is you can't do right for doing wrong. Even if you do just the usual 'not long now' or you're looking fab there's always someone who's offended. I've even done the not mentioning the pregnancy at all in the past and the person I'm talking to does the big belly rub and brings it up themselves.

What do you do.. you literally can't win

I don't really understand what's wrong with a simple "how are you doing?". From that, you should be able to gauge whether further remarks/queries are welcome from you.

Umizoomi - yes you do hear people enquire about other's diets etc and comments on weight loss and excercise, there are people quitting smoking and they often have conversations where they are asked about how they are doing, coping etc and what technique they are using - it is just general chat and taking an interest.

That being said - the uninvited random comments are annoying.