To remind new mothers/pregnant women that people are just being POLITE

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Have seen endless moans threads over the years on MN from mums-to-be and new mums outraged over people's comments and questions.

Am I being unreasonable to remind them that people are just MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION?

There is really only a finite amount of things you can say about a newborn baby or a pregnancy and people are feigning interest half the time - they are NOT being rude or nosy when they say:

Ooh your bump is big/small

Ooh your baby is big/small

I think you are having a girl/boy

Do you want a girl/boy?

Are you going to breast feed?

When are you going to stop breast feeding?

When is he/she starting on solids?

What are you going to call him/her?

YANBU

Honestly unless we're close I don't care that you are pregnant or how long for. It's something to say.

I have zero interest in cars, but someone says "Hi I bought a new car" then I have to say "oh yes? err is the mileage good? does it have leather seats? I mean I'm bored already, but surely two questions is the minimum I can get away with and still be polite.

As for the stuff about loaded questions on feeding I didn't know anyone cared about that until I came here. Why on earth do they?

Maybe next time I'll just say "So?"

*MissBattleaxe, that's interesting as it's not my experience at all.

But she is definitely NBU to point out that the comments are just chat, to which no importance should be attached.

Which is fine, but once it's been pointed out that many people find the comments are upsetting or irritating to many, to continue to use them is an interesting choice.

ineedtogetthisout i can see why you would find these questions very difficult and why they would affect you in a much more significant way than most. im sorry for your losses.

it is often the case that we have no knowledge or understanding of people's backgrounds when we're making small talk. i would imagine that for bereaved parents like yourself, even the commonplace "Do you have children?" churns up painful emotions. i assume this only happens with strangers, though. while not on the same scale at all, ihad ds1 three years after my mum died, and i found it difficult when people who didn't know me so well asked about 'granny'.

fwiw, i dont think yours is the type of situation the op was talking about; on threads which i have read, a lot of posters were simply complaining about what seemed to me to be fairly innocuous enquiries, as they felt they were intrusive/patronising/rude.

allboxedup it would not bother me. im pregnant at the moment. but i do have a bit of a belly when im not. it would not offend me if someone thought i was pregnant... as long as they gave me their seat on the bus.

but i can understand it would offend people. but then if someone said that to me and then i said im not pregnant i should think they would feel bit of a prat

I don't get why not being interested or invested in the answer makes saying something that someone finds upsetting better!

I'm trying to think of a comparison. If a colleague buys a new house you don't generally say that's tiny/enormous or cheap/expensive. You ask questions to feign interest like does it need much work or does it have a garden

I didn't mean someone who thought you were pregnant ghostspirit - I just meant a day to day comment on your unpregnant body. That really wouldn't bother you?

Backonlybriefly

What are you implying with your question about leather seats - that the car buyer is flashy? And what if they were vegetarian? That would be horribly offensive.

Asking about the mileage is surely stealthily suggesting the car is an inferior second hand vehicle? Are you calling them poor?

God you are so offensive

I guess we don't agree though as you think it would be ok if you were pregnant - I just don't think there's a difference.

There will be as many pregnant women who want to chat about their pregnancy. I know I liked it. Good grief, being interested or making polite small talk is not synonymous with being judgemental.
We could ignore the fact that the woman is obviously pregnant but that could cause offence to some as well.

I think there is too much offence taken in this world. If pregnant women don't like the questions or remarks they should say so to the person concerned rather than complain about it on mn.

allboxedup is that not the same thing :/ but anyway no it would not. lives to short

There was a thread the other day. Something like "why is no one taking an interest in me being pregnant?"

I don't know. I think mistaking someone for being pregnant and saying to someone they look huge are different things. I wouldn't find someone making a mistake rude but I would be offended by someone feeling they could pass judgement on my body. Fine lines but I think there's a difference.

Yanbu, but it isn't always as simple as that op.

When I was first pregnant people kept constantly saying my bump was small, not only that but that I must be going to have a small baby, was I sure that I was really 7 months, that made me worry, it was too much.

It also annoys me when people ask questions then don't like the answer.

When they ask what hospital I'm going to give birth at, when I say I'd like a home birth they tell me I'm being irresponsible and putting the baby in danger.

When they ask if I'd like a boy or girl then don't like the answer. Tell me girls are better. How I'd have a friend for life, how I should have one of each.

The questions aren't always just polite small talk but end up being intrusive or unwanted opinions.

I think everyone feels slightly differently but I think if you wouldn't say it normally then don't say it just because she's pregnant.

Mistaking someone for being pregnant is a mistaken observation rather than a comment on size (or maybe just a comment on size/shape)

Pyjamas if you feel questions are intrusive or unwanted I hope you tell them so, otherwise how are they to know?

Actually I think my rule of thumb would be if you wouldn't say it about my boobs don't say it about my bump/body/baby. Just ask about something else!

I've only skimmed this, but I see no reason at all why I should be expected to be grateful for inane or intrusive questions and unwanted touches simply because I am carrying a child. Like many women, I remain the same person with the same professional standards/goals and the same boundaries whether or not I am pregnant - if you would not normally feel called upon to comment on changes in my appearance or my choice of contraception, or to put your hand on my stomach, feel free to continue not to do so when I am pregnant. If I am a colleague you see on a daily basis, etiquette does not require you to remark on my pregnancy every time we pass in the photocopier room. And if you touch my bump, I will take the opportunity to pat any part of your anatomy that suggests itself.

I'm with you OP. I think pregnant women/ new mothers should be grateful that people are taking an interest. They'd have something to say. If people sat there stone faced

Holyterror I agree that people should not touch any part of anyone's anatomy.

but can I ask all pregnant women if they would rather their pregnancy was completely ignored by others as would seem the case judged by many of the posts on this thread.?

No they wouldn't, Lighthouse. I don't see why anyone needs to be more interested in me if I have a bump or a baby than without. Some people on this thread seem to think that being pregnant or pushing a baby is some kind of invitation to inane or intrusive questioning, as if all rules are off in those circumstances.

Most women who are posting on threads about being upset or offended by over interest in their pregnancies are simply having a lighthearted rant. It is not as if we are getting stroppy with people who ask these inane questions repeatedly? We recognise they are just showing interest, why should we not be allowed an anonymous outlet on an Internet forum.

But it is not polite to pass comment on someone's size or ask personal questions about conception, feeding and birth plans unless you know them well. I have had many people who have never spoken to me before come up and ask me very direct personal questions. Pregnancy is not a happy, exciting experience for everyone, there may be issues that the mother is dealing with and would rather not have to dodge questions on. If she has brought up the pregnancy then fine, but if not a simple "how are you feeling?" or sticking to other topics is surely more appropriate.

but can I ask all pregnant women if they would rather their pregnancy was completely ignored by others as would seem the case judged by many of the posts on this thread.?

I don't have a problem with it being ignored at all, I'm still able to process other information or chat about other topics. I'm still me. I'd just rather that, if people have opinions, they keep them to themselves. General chat is fine, chat about how I'm feeling is fine, pointless remarks about my size are not. If you feel compelled by forces beyond your control to mention size every time you see a pregnant woman, I'd prefer it if you could just ignore my pregnancy altogether.

God there are some grumpy, unsociable people on mn these days. This is such a first world problem.

Christmas, I honestly don't much mind if people occasionally say 'How are you feeling?' or the like, before moving on to something else, but I'm a bit baffled by the thinking that seems to be of the opinion that not talking endlessly about someone's pregnancy is somehow 'rude', like not offering a heavily pregnant, obviously tired woman a seat on a crowded tube or something.

I liked being pregnant, but did mostly think about other things for nine months, and when I was at work, I was just thinking about work, as usual. Pregnancy didn't turn me into some kind of self-obsessed monster who thought any passing conversation should centre on my reproductive state! I preferred it when colleagues just acted as usual, genuinely.

HolyTerror you are not of more interest if you have a bump.

Not to me, not to most people (especially when you've had pregnancies yourselves and known 8 billion pregnant women).

People are being kind by acting interested and excited for you.

We are not all dying to know everything about your pregnancy and the 'instrusive' questioning is courtesy and kindness.

Why can't people grasp that fact?